yes. i know that the title looks already vile and someone might say that if i dont see anything wrong here, then i am an idiot. well, lets add a bit of context here and i am sorry for my english in advance, since im not native speaker.
so as it might be seen in the title, she is not just a friend to me and im not just a friend with her either. we are interested in each other, but we are scared of relationships due to our past experiences.
we usually talk a lot, especially on calls. we discuss various stuff, tell jokes and act silly all the time. of course we flirt a lot too and when she flirts with me, she chooses her lines with condifence to the point when i just staying silent and blushing. oftentimes, i can be able to find myself strenghth to flirt back – in this case, she usually starts acting annoyingly resistant and pushes me back by belittling my words and my place in her life, denying my shots iykyk. that is also part of the play and its fun too — in other words, i just dont take it seriously and she also keeps herself beside me despite her words.
well , in the end — it seems like i either shot myself on a knee with my bad phrasing or it just doesnt work on the opposite direction.
the thing is that when an opportunity to do the same came to me, when she was asking why wont i be affected by her flirting anymore — i told her that its because she is just an internet randoe i happened to meet irl. i thought because of the jokester atmosphere it is clear that my words are fake and i dont actually mean it. i just wanted to jokingly belittle our relationship as she usually does herself…..(now i think i overdid it and chose wrong phrasing).
i remember she didnt really say anything besides that shocked but silent "oh", then our convo flowed into some other topics until she didnt abruptly hung me up saying something like — its all for today.
later she said that what i said made her really upset and made her reconsider our bond as a whole. i was apologizing for the entirety of the next day, telling that i didnt actually mean it and we somehow came to compromise, but something is telling me that she wont forget this and will be reminding me of it every times she sees a chance….
it looks like a silly story maybe, but i dont want to be seen/be as/a toxic person , especially since i never meant it when let that phrase come out from my goddamn mouth. i wonder was that overreacting from her side or am i really that toxic (i want to know and work on myself if that’s the case)
i want your opinions, thanks in advance…
so AITA for saying this?
ESH. The thing you have doesn’t sound very healthy and it should stop or change very significantly. It’s ok to not be ready for a serious and committed relationship, but if that’s the case you should be honest about it to yourself and everybody you’re attempting to date.
I get a feeling she wants something more and probably is hurt by your lack of response when she’s flirting and trying to show you her feelings. The belittling of your relationship that she does is most likely a defence mechanism that stems from feeling rejected. It probably hasn’t been a real joke and now that you’re saying something similar she feels even more rejected. It’s not a good way to communicate for either of you.
If you want to try to save this thing both of you need to be braver (especially you) and start talking how you actually feel. Stop stupid games. Don’t belittle your relationship or her significance in your life as a joke and if she does it you need to tell her it’s hurtful. You should discuss what you both want from this situationship. Start reciprocating her efforts more.
Apologizing isn’t enough, you need to actually open up.
If you want different things or aren’t ready for a serious relationship it’s better to let things fizzle out, preferably by having a real heart-to-heart and breaking up. No ghosting.
These are probably teenagers and if that’s not the case they shouldn’t be dating anyone until they grow up.
ESH. You both seem to be too immature to be in any relationship.