My boyfriend and I have been dating for half a year now and it has mostly been a great experience. I truly feel so loved but there is one thing that has been an occurring theme. My ex and I have mutual friends which means that there have been gatherings where we both are invited to. This has made my boyfriend really uncomfortable as he doesn’t like the fact that my ex is still in my life somehow. The thing is that I have no intention nor have I had any contact/interaction with him after the break up. I only met him once after the break up which was some weeks ago because of our friends birthday party, and we barely spoke.
One thing is that he doesn’t like it (which I can understand) but he reacts in a way where he gets distant and cold for several days when this comes up (if I mention I’m going to an event with this friend group), even if my ex isn’t invited.
This bothered me as it’s not easy for me as well but it’s important for me to be able to spend time with my friends, and the first time we discussed it he said that he didn’t want me to go to these gatherings but after some discussion he realized he didn’t want me to be unhappy with doing so. But it’s still an issue as you can see.
None of us really wants to budge and I don’t really know what to do. Personally it feels like he has some insecurity about this but I don’t know how to go around about it. He also was upset that I kept photos from my time with my exes, but I love documenting things and I’m not exactly looking at these photos to reminisce (and it would’ve taken me years to go through all of them). We did solve this though as he fell to ease about it in the end but I do feel like this is associated with this issue.
So, am I being the asshole for not budging/compromising..?
EDIT: We have been doing long distance since the very beginning, which is why he hasn’t hung out with my friends and don’t really know them that well as these happenings (and his visits) haven’t coincided.
This is not a man worth dating. Time to move on.
Just the beginning of a long series of problems. “I don’t like you hanging out with that group of people.” “I don’t want you hanging out with so-and-so.” “You’re gonna wear THAT? It’s trashy.” “What time are you going out? What time will you be back? Where are you going to be? Just who is gonna be there?” The list goes on.
You feel “so loved” by a guy who is so insecure he wants to limit who you’re around. Riddle me that.
NTA. This guy is controlling. He expects you to give up your whole friend group because your ex *might* be there?
He is super insecure. If you give in, he will keep pushing to get you to compromise more of yourself over time. It’s only been 6 months. You aren’t married, but even if you were, the dude only has to trust you, not the people around you. He obviously doesn’t trust you.
He is literally jealous of a memory in a photo. Then he acts like an actual child when he doesn’t like something you do. Seriously, he needs to grow up, and you should move on.
NTA. You aren’t doing anything wrong. Your ex doesn’t need to be nuked from your life in order for you to be over them.
NTA. RED FLAG. RUN.
He is isolating you from your friend group. Just because you break up with someone does not mean that they cease to exist. His expectations are completely unreasonable.
BF needs to acknowledge that this would effectively cut you off from your friend group and that is non-negotiable. You’re with him now, not the other guy.
I have definitely told him that it’s not even a question for me to stop seeing my friends, and he suggested that I could see them on a more one to one basis but to me that would mean I would miss out on the bigger things.. is that a reasonable suggestion of him..?
Oof. He isn’t telling you what the real problem is. That means he is either emotionally unaware or knows he doesn’t really have a valid justification for it.
He needs to explain what he is feeling and can explore this with you or a therapist or a couples counselor. He can address this, or he can move on.
No not really. His feelings in this matter are his to handle and if you would agree you would just feed into his insecurities and attempt to control you
NTA but why is your current BF not invited to these outings?
It’s weird to me when people fall in love, start a relationship… but expect you to exist only as an object in relation to them. Zero past.
I can understand if a new bf is a little uncomfortable when you and your ex are both part of the same friend group and run into each other from time to time. Notice I said “uncomfortable”. Each time this happens, your new bf should be more comfortable as he observes your interactions with the ex.
However, he’s exhibiting such jealousy and wanting to control your actions. That’s a huge red flag. Plus, is he going to pull this act every time you disagree about something?
I dated some jealous types when I was younger. The only time it got better is if I went along with what they wanted. Well, that didn’t last long!!
People who are this controlling and insecure are usually doing the cheating themselves. NTA
Sounds like loving this guy comes with conditions. That’s not love, that’s a contract.
You had your friends before you met this guy. Sounds like he’s asking you to choose. Choose wisely. NTA