So to give some context, my best friend is dating this guy, and he has a big friend group. We often play games together, sometimes go out to bars or whatever, and there is this specific guy that I know has a bit of a crush on me. Now I’ve never dated before, never been in a relationship and kind of have a bit of commitment issues as well as fears when it comes to relationships due to my own upbringing (not an excuse, just offering context).
This guy however just got out of a 5 year long relationship a few months ago, and I’ve been told by my best friend from her boyfriend that he’s lonely and sad. Now I’m not preying on this guy, he seems genuinely nice and we just started to message back and forth for fun. I also am very bad with social cues so I didn’t realize he was actually flirting with me until he practically said it, and now I feel trapped.
I do like this guy, but I’m not attracted to him at all, like physically. It makes me feel shitty because he is nice to talk to, and funny, and it would be great because I already know he’s a nice guy from my friends bf. But I don’t know, aren’t people supposed to be attracted to their significant others? Should I just stop talking to this guy and save him the heartache?
I find this kind of an issue because if I did do something wrong like hurt him, I wouldn’t just never see him again. My best friend and her bf talk to him constantly, I’d be potentially ruining my friendship and this friend group. I don’t want to hurt anybody, but I want to know if I should stop while I’m ahead.
Update: I’ve sent him a message to make it clear that I want to just be friends, will update with his response.
Update 2: MISSION SUCCESS TEAM!! He appreciated my honesty, and still wants to be friends. He said that he was flirting, and was going to bring up the topic soon anyways just to confirm. Thank you all for your advice and your help, you saved my friendship and possibly the friend group!! 🥰🙏🏻
NTA: you can talk to people without being attracted to them. if he makes it weird cause you don’t reciprocate he would be the AH
It’s okay to just be friends. Honesty is always the best policy here. NTA right now. Just be clear with him.
NTA
You might have to speak up and say, “I’m glad we are friends.” The longer you don’t, the more he will think he has a chance.
Nta
WBTAH IF you allow him to keep doing this without telling him you aren’t interested. You need to be honest with him and tell him, set boundaries if you are not interested so he doesn’t build up false hope. If you’re honest, NTA. However, it all depends on how you approach this. If you allow him to continue and string him on without being honest about how you feel, YTA.
How should I bring this up without seeming rude? I obviously can’t tell him “hey I’m not attracted to you”, cuz that would be mean. But I do think a boundary needs to be set sooner rather than later. To all his advances I’ve kind of just been ignoring them, but I don’t want to just stop talking to him completely. He is a good friend, I’m just not sure how to let him down gently.
NTA. Have you been attracted to people in the past? You said you haven’t dated before, so that is why I ask.
I think it’s fair to tell him that you haven’t dated before and you aren’t ready to just yet, but you appreciate the thought.
If he is a good dude, he will back off, even if he’s disappointed, and things will be cool.
If he isn’t, I wouldn’t keep hanging out with someone who thinks you owe him something for talking to him (this includes if your friend’s boyfriend acts this way).
YES you are supposed to be attracted to anyone you date. Each person finds something unique attractive, but if he isn’t it for you, that is ok. Especially if you haven’t dated, never do it out of obligation.
Yes! I’ve been attracted to people in the past, and I almost feel like I have to be attracted to this guy because I do think he’s nice. But maybe I really just want to keep him as a friend? I didn’t know if maybe I was just being shallow, so I wanted to keep talking with him. But I’m now realizing that I might just not want to date him, and that I want to just be friends. I’m still not sure how to let him down easy.
YWBTA if you stop talking to him. Ghosting him would be unkind, unwarranted, and immature.
If you really want to avoid things being awkward and stay part of the group, stop talking to your best friend (who is obviously telling her boyfriend everything) *about* the guy. Talk *to* him instead.
NTA but if you know he’s flirting with you, and you aren’t interested, I think you need to make it clear that you just want to be friends.
NTA. You are supposed to be attracted to your romantic partners, and if you’re not attracted to this guy, he’s not a good choice for a potential romantic partner.
Tell him that. This is the truth, and it’s something he needs to hear. You’re not the A-hole for talking to someone in a friendly manner. Tell him the truth. You didn’t think it was flirting between you, and you don’t want it to be.
It will suck for him for a moment, but if he’s actually the decent person people say he is, he’ll get over it.
NTA, but if the only reason your contemplating dating him is to spare his feelings because you see him as a good person and as a trusted friend-of-a-friend then don’t date him, it will only make him feel like he’s found someone who genuinely feels the same way about him as he does you, while your not even interested in him, if you did date the longer you do it would only make you feel more guilty and the revelation would only brake him once you tell him the truth. Just be honest, before things get serious, you see him as a great guy, you had fun talking to him but you didn’t realise that things we’re turning romantic between the two of you, and you want to make it clear that you don’t see him in that way, you’d like to keep talking strictly as friends, make sure he understands this moving forward so he isn’t pinning hope on you changing your mind.
He may seem disappointed at best if he really is a good guy, but he’ll understand and move on, you don’t owe him a relationship because he’s lonely and your single, maybe your friends might try to sway you to give him a chance if they’re aware of all this but just be honest, it’s not something you want, your being clear and not leading anyone on. You both deserve to be with someone that your passionate about being with romantically.
just saw the update, don’t know when that happened or if I missed it, but you’ve done good, and I hope it goes smoothly, and good luck on your journey with your personal issues.