So, I (18m) went through a very annoying situation last night with my gf (17y) who found an old box containing some love letters I used to hide from my mom when I was with my ex. When I saw those letters, I got instantly paralysed because I absolutely didn’t remember their existence or that they were even there.
As soon as she understood what those letters were, she ripped one of them immediately. I got shocked and didn’t know what to feel, because it had been forever since I last read them (about 3 years ago) and just by looking at them, it was like a click in my mind and I remembered all of the context and when I had received them.
And I have to say, even though that breakup was horrendous, I still held memories like those in my heart, because they were part of my story, part of why I am who I am today. Wanting to look at them wasn’t about missing my ex or wanting anything back, I just wanted to remember a part of my own story. If I were the one to find them, I’d be curious to read what was written and remember those moments one last time.
Then, although my gf understood that I didn’t know the letters were there and that I wasn’t hiding them, she proceeded to get mad at me for not making it clear for her to throw them away. She’s a very explosive person, and in that moment there was no way I could feel safe enough to say that I wished I had taken a last look at them.
After she cried and made a scene, she started pressuring me to explicitly tell her to throw them away. Even though it was obvious I was uncomfortable, and genuinely felt sad at the idea of not getting a last opportunity to read them, she insisted on wanting me to say the words. I even said “do whatever you want with them", but she ignored that and kept pushing me to give a final order.
Eventually she escalated it to the point of saying it was disgusting that I wasn’t sure I wanted her to throw them away, I just didn’t want a part of my own past to be destroyed by impulse while I was clearly overwhelmed.
I also took opportunity to start venting that I didn’t feel comfortable being honest with her because I’m always scared of her being too emotionally unstable, but it didn’t take the conversation anywhere.
Anyway, after a while of she telling me how destroyed she was for me being uncomfortable with her taking and destroying my stuff without my permission, she left to her home with ALL of the letters. I messaged her to say that I’d at least wish she wouldn’t read the letters, because she has a tendency of comparing herself with other people all of the time, but mainly with my past partners.
I don’t know what to feel because it’s not like I wanted my ex back or anything like that, it’s just that I have the tendency of really feeling downcast whenever something I have is destroyed or thrown away. And it sucks because I neither wanted her to feel even worse about the situation, nor I wanted to have the letters thrown away without having a last look at it.
NTA. You are so young and if your first instinct is to be afraid of what she’ll do then maybe this is not the relationship for you and the letters are just an excuse
Stop dating crazy people.
I’m not quite following….you are 18 and went through a horrendous breakup at 15? But obviously earlier since you hadn’t read them I forever so you broke up way before that? Are you SURE you are 18?
Yes, I’m 18. I have received the letters when I was 15, and that was also the age I read them for the last time.
Exactly. Either a fishy bot story or a child that’s still a child
nta. even though i’m in a long-term committed relationship, both of us still have mementos and letters from past relationships. some things we forgot about and when moving we found them and mutually threw stuff away that we were ready to part with. we kept the good memories, not because we missed our exes but because they’re part of our past and who we are now.
i’m sure some people would probably criticise us for it, but there’s no shame in knowing your s.o. was loved by someone else at some point. there’s a reason the previous relationship ended. insecurity destroys relationships. if your partner is getting jealous, isn’t communicating issues properly and taking off with your property without permission, you have bigger issues at hand and it will likely get worse.
thank you so much for the insight
NTA
Your girlfriend isn’t mature or emotionally stable enough to be dating anyone right now. Time for a “break” or just a break up. She had no right to minimize your feelings, or take your things, or invade your privacy. It’s intolerable for romantic partners to behave that way towards each other, regardless of their respective genders.
It would be one thing for her to express her feelings about it or to communicate boundaries or expectations, but you’re also free to make your own decisions and she has to acknowledge and live with those decisions.
get the letters back. then dump her. red flags all over her. NTA
Dump. Her.
She’s terribly insecure. I can understand her having a negative emotional response, but her response shows that she doesn’t respect boundaries. If you stay with her, this won’t be the last time she takes something of yours.
I still have love letters from when I was 15. I love having those still. It doesn’t mean I’m still in love with my ex. Your gf is being abusive and will just get worse
Buddy, you need better choices in girlfriends. Don’t dare women who aren’t trustworthy or sane or emotionally stable. Just don’t. You’re too young to collect this baggage. NTA