I (25f) recently started dating a guy (30m) I’ve been friends with for 2 years now, although the relationship part here is irrelevant, I think. We’re both single parents, I have a 2 year old that I have full custody of since birth, he’s recently divorced with kids aged 4 and 6 and he has them two days a week + every other weekend. We both work full time and study.
Lately he said he’s been feeling down, that work and lack of free time and all the commuting are getting to him. I did offer some emotional support, but it’s been going on for a while now and I’m the kind of person who automatically offers solutions when I see a problem.
Yesterday we had a conversation about what he might need, and I insisted that I think he needs to find ways to spend time with his kids that involve things he will also enjoy, and I gave some examples of things I do with mine: we go on a bike ride to the beach and get some pizza, we pack a picknick and go to the park to feed ducks, we build lego and read books, make cookies etc.
At a certain point he become annoyed and said that it sounds like I’m implying that all his problems stem from things we could easily fix with his attitude (which, I kinda of do, that’s my general approach to life), and that’s not what he needs right now. He said that I don’t get it, because his situation is different, since he has two kids and they’re older and of different ages so it’s more complex, and he doesn’t live in a big city like I do so there’s less stuff to do, he doesn’t enjoy what they do, and what’s exhausting him is the constant responsibility etc etc.
In retrospect, I see that I could’ve come off as a little pushy and judgemental, I did immediately apologize for that and said that I didn’t mean it as criticism and only wanted to offer a solution and I’ll stop if he doesn’t want me to.
It was late and bedtime for kids so we ended the call there but I’ve been sitting with it since and I still feel like I’m right and his reaction was unwarranted. I also feel like telling me I "don’t get it" when he has a "2 days a week + every other weekend" custody, while I’ve literally been with my child alone 24/7 (daycare aside) since the day he was born, and have had 0 evenings and weekends to myself, was a bit infuriating and I’m starting to think he’s the one who doesn’t get it.
Am I the asshole and really not seeing his side of things here?
TLDR: I (25F +2y) tried to help my boyfriend (30M +4,6yo) by offering practical solutions to his burnout surrounding time with kids, but he felt I was being dismissive and implied his problems were just an attitude issue. I apologised, but I still feel his reaction was over the top, especially since I’ve been a full-time single parent with no breaks, while he has partial custody. Now I’m wondering if I was actually in the wrong or if he’s the one not seeing my side.
NTA, your boyfriend is a shitty dad, and he doesn’t like being called out on it. That’s why he got mad.
NTA – call me paranoid but I think he may be hinting that OP take on the burden of caring for HIS kids during his limited parenting time 🙄
My immediate thought also. NTA
NTA.
You held up a mirror to him. He didn’t like what he saw and decided to blame you instead. Is he the kind of guy that refers to his custody time as “babysitting”?
Stick to your guns. He’s probably going to start showing other unenviable traits, and you’ll need to decide if he’s worth the time to help him get a clue.
NTA. Looks like the reality of carring for his children finally hit him. He needs to put his big boy pants back on and realize you meant well and tried to help him
I think you need to really think about what it means to date someone who’s outlook on life is negative. That doesn’t already do those fun things with his kids. This screams there’s a reason why his wife left. And it’s most likely because he’s a miserable person, who will make you miserable.
Nta.
“What’s exhausting him is the constant responsibility”
Dude only has his kids about 12 times a month! What an…ugh. I feel bad for those kids.
NTA. He’s exhausted from “constant responsibility” from a standard visitation schedule? This is a GIANT red flag. It’s an indication that if you move in together, he will pawn all work and responsibilities off on to you. Girl, RUN!!!
3 words:
Don’t be a fixer.
Find someone that’s already fixed and you each make each other stronger. That’s it
NTA but OP it sounds more like you’re dating a guy who isn’t that interested in parenting his own kids for the few days a month he gets them. Is this a guy you want to really invest in, and possibly, in future, co-parent with? With the attitude he has as a part-time dad now?
I dated a guy who would put me first all the time. Super sweet. Really nice guy.
But he would cancel events with his kids to be with me. As a single mom, I hated that.
I had to eventually break up with him. I tried to tell him I can still be a priority but he HAD to never cancel on his kids. My boys dad did that and it was devastating
I parted ways, I wasn’t going to be the reason for that.
Huge respect to you for doing that
Men aren’t forced to understand accountability the way women are in today’s society. Then when they are forced to face it after a divorce they do exactly this. They check out. Even if it’s just part time accountability. Wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t bolt soon. Bolt as in “peace out school/work/kids/family/gf , I need to go find myself in Tijuana”.
Have you talked to his ex? There’s a reason they divorced. Unless it’s bc she woke up one day and finally admitted she was a lesbian, you may have some hard truths to face about your current partner’s previous behavior patterns and integrity. Was she basically a married single mother bc he weaponized incompetence to the point where he “babysat” his kids so she could shower and expected her to fall at his feet in awe of the magnitude of the favor? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
NTA. He’s actually saying to your face as a single mother with sole custody of a toddler who can’t be left unsupervised like ever that “what’s exhausting him is the constant responsibility”.
You have your kid 24/7/365 sometimes 366 and he has his kids 106 days a year which is 259 kid free days. Het gets a minimum of 3 days a week kid free, sometimes 5. I get that he has two but he has a co parent as well and older children in school who are that much closer to being a bit more independent- dressing or feeding themselves, etc.
His attitude does suck. He probably wasn’t much help parenting before which is why it is so hard now.