This one is a long story, I had a friend, best friend, only friend (I can’t stress how important that is, they are the only true friend I’ve ever had in my entire life) and somewhere along the way after about 6 years of being friends I developed a crush on them, didn’t say anything, watched them go through several relationships, then out of nowhere they say they like me, a dream come true (I actually vividly remember they asked me first if I was into them, and I was so worried that they would think it was weird I wanted to die) so we got together, and then they left me, like they did everyone else, to them it was just another in a long line of flings, but for me… it was everything. My only friend, my only love, gone. Blocked on everything, cutoff from the only support I ever had.
Couple months later they show up again, we’re buddies now, back to the way it ways, they pretended as if it had never happened, like they hadn’t ripped my heart out. Because to them it was never a big deal. But I missed them, I needed them back so I let them back in. And they again, and again and again. Every couple of months. I was only considered when they had a breakup, or a fight with other friends of family issues or whatever they wanted. But when I needed them they were never there, never.
To me they were my best and only friend, I never did anything without thinking of them, ever. But they hardly ever considered me. And I know that I’m a hard person to know, I’m aware I’m terrible and that’s why I have no one else, but I thought I had this one person that understood me.
Now the important part
About 2 maybe 3 years after we broke up (i don’t even know anymore) We hadn’t spoken for months but I reached out near my birthday, and we had been on pretty good terms. Then I had a very bad thing happen (they still don’t know about it) and I had nowhere else to go so I called my dear friend, and no answer, but a text message, a conversation, where I realized I sounded stupid again and again begging for the attention of someone who clearly couldn’t care less about me. So I apologized and I told them that I no longer needed anything from them. This was an action made in severe emotional distress, and I sorely regret and believe I could’ve done better, but it didn’t matter. That gave them the reason, they’d already gone months without speaking to me so then I didn’t hear from them.
A year passed, I reached out a couple times, they told me they missed me and asked to meet me, I couldn’t bring myself to. I was finally healing, they’re mad about something I said a year ago while upset about what they’d done four years ago. And I was finally starting to let go, it was so painful for me to even be their friend because I was still heartbroken, I feeling that was not shared and could never be remedied. They’ve moved on, new relationships, new friendships, I haven’t. I’ve been alone this whole time. For years I’ve been alone. So i decided to stay that way.
Fast forward a few months to today, they followed me? Odd, I check their profile, they uploaded a video, talking about that incident, the one where I said some slightly rude things. As a trend, the culmination of my pain and suffering over the last decade, in a trend. And the comments flooded with people I once considered to maybe be friends, telling them they didn’t deserve the way I treated them. Maybe I am, I probably am. But I’m still alone. And I’m starting to think it’ll be that way forever.
I want to know their side, their telling of these events, what was important to them, not how they’d tell me, but what they’ve told their friends. I want to know. And I want to make right whatever hurt I’ve caused them, because I care. This whole time I’ve assumed they don’t give a shit about me and what I do, but maybe they do, maybe I hurt them. And that’s destroying me.
What am I supposed to do?
Girl, no. You’re grieving, and you’re grasping for anything that allows you to believe this was anything other than you being used by this person.
You strike me as someone with very low self-esteem. You’re desperate to see this person as someone other than the person who used you when you were convenient to them. They didn’t post that video to help them cope with a loss. They posted it for clout. They posted it for attention, which they got. It wasn’t ever really about you, even though it was your story. It was a selfish attempt at using you—again—for some cheap social benefit. It’s gross.
For starters, make a lot more friends if you haven’t already. It’s never healthy to rely on one person to be your one-and-only, and fulfill every social and emotional need in your life. If you hadn’t been so dependent on this friend to keep your world happy and whole, you might have never had to experience the long, unpleasant, bumpy ride you’ve both been navigating for the past however many years.
You also need to learn that when you start feeling anxious and hurt over real or perceived insults by someone you care for, you tend to lash out in rather unfriendly and uncaring ways. If this is a bad habit you can’t manage to change on your own, a few sessions with a professional therapist are definitely worth the investment to help you build and maintain lasting friendships and romantic relationships in the future!
It’s hard to tell whether your friend threw out that post as a virtual life preserver for you to reach out and grab if you want one last chance to redeem the friendship, or if they meant it as a final goodbye because they are all done trying to reach out to you, only to get pushed away again. I think you’re right to perceive that their version of this story might sound a lot different than yours, and I think it might be worthwhile – if you can manage it without getting defensive – to reach out to them and tell them, as sincerely as you have told millions of kind strangers on Reddit, that you never meant to hurt them and you’d like to be friends again, and try to repair any damage you have caused. If that would be easier to send as a (private please!) text, message, or other written communication to make sure you don’t lose it when they respond, that would be fine. I wish you well.