Hi, I need some advice or something about porn. I just need to get my thoughts out. Please don’t shower me with negativity. I’m feeling so frustrated about myself and this whole situation.
I (F27) am considering leaving my relationship, the main reason being my boyfriend’s porn use. I don’t really have a problem with porn. However, I’ve been struggling with the way my boyfriend is using it. He’s the type of guy who searches for girls on Instagram, uses porn sites that collect OF girls, and uses Reddit to find pictures of girls that he can then do a reverse image search on to find more. To me, this feels like more than just using porn casually. It feels like time investment.
In addition, I’ve wanted more sex in our relationship and wish some of this time would be spent on us having sex instead. Yes, I know, maybe he has a porn addiction.
Anyway, in today’s world porn is literally everywhere, on every platform. Every porn site has OF models on it. You can’t escape it. I kind of just want to be that person who doesn’t care about this, because when I think about it, it’s a modern way of using porn. I’ve been asking myself if this is just how “everyone” is using porn nowadays and if it’s easier to just go with it rather than fight against it. Maybe I would also care less about it if I were satisfied with our sex life. But I’ll be honest, I’ve always found this a bit difficult when dating. I know if I started dating again I would probably just have the same issue with the next guy, and I really need to figure out how to deal with these thoughts.
I don’t know what to do, and I wish I could just not worry about this stuff. Any advice? Anyone been in the same situation?
There’s a difference between occasionally using porn as wank fodder and investing so heavily in it that it clouds out other things, including IRL sex with your actual partner. He’s probably crossed the rubicon from casual user to porn addict. So if you see other redeeming qualities in him and he’s willing to admit this and get into treatment for it maybe you can salvage this. But if he’s going to choose his fantasy world over being with you then you’ll have to leave him.
Don’t know what to do, if you have doubts, run!
Setting your boundary as regards to porn doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game – you can certainly set boundaries like ‘I don’t stay in a relationship with someone that chooses porn over sex with me’ or ‘I don’t date guys that use their social media primarily for porn’. Wherever you need to draw the line, that’s what you set for your boundary, but it’s important to remember that boundaries are for you and that you are the one responsible for enforcing them. When it comes to someone else’s behavior, all you can do is express your feelings and make a request, which they’re able to deny. Try to sit down with your boyfriend and discuss this – let him know what effect his porn use is having on you and ask if he would be willing to cut back. See if y’all can find a reasonable medium that you’re both happy with – that is, if you want to keep the relationship. If not, then go ahead and make a clean break of it, then with your next relationship, you can have a discussion about porn and where your boundary around it lies early on.
Your boyfriend sounds on the extreme end. Like he has a porn addiction.
It is fairly easy to find someone to date who does not have an unhealthy addiction in their lives if that is what you want.
If I were you, I would not date him. Like you, I also don’t care much about my partners watching porn. Although I do care about other values, like them having a life, depth of conversation and thought, being ambitious / productive, etc. I assume his addiction (like most addictions) reduce his bandwidth or abilities in the areas you value.
Don’t settle for less. There’s so many people in the world it’s possible to find someone whose values align with yours!
This is not universal. If you leave him, you can definitely find guys whose habits are more average or on the lower end of the range