My fiancé has always been close with his mother, but it’s starting to really affect me.
The first time I met her, we went to visit her and stayed in a hotel in their hometown. I felt like the 3rd wheel as they were linked arm and arm walking up and down the hallways of the hotel while I trailed behind.
When he was a stay at home parent, he called her everyday. They would talk for hours sometimes. At this time, she lived in a different state. A few years ago she moved 45 minutes away. They still talk daily, but now there are overnights sprinkled in where he goes and spends the night. It wasn’t really an issue except when I got pregnant with the twins. I worked all the way until I was largely pregnant and then began staying at home. He got a job working for his brother. Now, he stays at her house (brother lives with mom) a few times a week because it was more convenient for him. This left me home alone and largely pregnant. I gave birth a few months ago.
Over the years his mom has alluded to me that she knows private details about our life. She knows about every fight we have. She knows about my health, even womanly health. She will come to me and talk to me about our issues that he tells her about. She tries to give me advice that is always in favor of him. Even if I tell her my side of the story, she always has an excuse for him. Namely, “he has back problems” or “his thyroid issues” as an excuse for why he can’t help more with the kids and house chores. Yet, he has the energy and strength to work on his motorcycle for hours or go racing all weekend.
A few weeks ago she approached me about something that completely blew me away. My finance and I have been trying to spice up the bedroom a bit. She started to talk to me about it saying “isn’t it cool I know so we can talk about it?”
NO! I am so upset he shared such private information about our sex life with his mother. Who talks to their parents in detail about something so personal? Is this normal? That should be between he and I. I feel like he is letting her into a very personal area of our lives that should be between he and I only. When I confronted him, he said “she never got to experience some of these things so she is just living vicariously through us”. WTF, EW!
I am pretty fed up. I have always felt like the 3rd wheel when it comes to he and his mom. They have such a close intimate relationship and I feel like I don’t get that side of him. It’s only reserved for mommy. He will not get off the couch to help me shovel the driveway or start my car when it’s freezing outside and I have to take the twins to a Dr appointment, but when she is visiting, he will go clean the snow off her car and start it for her.
I want to see a therapist, but I don’t even know if it will help. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t live like this forever. Has anyone encountered enmeshed families before?
TL:DR Fiancé tells his mom everything and treats her like his gf and I feel like I am treated like crap.
for the sake of your children and your own happiness, you need to leave. LEAVE. no arguing, no more talking it out because you will never reach a conclusion or compromise in this situation. you need a partnership, not a grownass son who still latches onto his mothers milk.
It’s unlikely any therapist is going to tell you to go ahead with the wedding. You can’t force a ‘mama’s boy’ to disappoint his mother. But you can spare yourself a miserable (and probably brief) marriage by breaking this engagement so he and his mom can be together without the “3rd wheel” around.
It’s either couples counseling or break up. Make sure he knows Mom is not invited.
Yeah, this marriage is probably doomed before it begins.
You’re going to subject the rest of your life to a mama’s boy.
Have you even talked to him about it?
Its pretty dam wild to be discussing your sex life with your mom. And he doesn’t even help around the house.
I wouldn’t marry unless this fixed. This marriage is just going to be the 3 of you, his mom in your inner daily loop and that is exhausting.