so me and my bf have been dating for two years and 3 months to be exact. we met young and we’re still young, but we’ve kinda grown together into the people we are today.
in the beginning he was very kind, funny, and more wholesome. he would buy me a stuffed animal if i had a bad day at work. sometimes he’d drive an hour round trip to bring me my favorite meal. in fact, all the stuffed animals i have are 99% from the first year of our relationship.
fast forward to him going to college. i had really bad separation anxiety, and he was busy making friends. we both didn’t do good on making sure we still spoke and had time for each other, and we would fight every night and i’d cry because i felt so alone. i wasn’t very mentally stable sometimes, the change really impacted me.
now i am totally fine, and ive been fine for months and months. i can handle things better because i decentralized him.
the past year he doesn’t show love no more like he did. i like being surprised with small things that are cute and pretty. i like cute and pretty things that are meaningful. i didn’t have a lot growing up.
we got into a bad fight last sunday, i packed up all the stuff he gave me and cried. i was ready for it to be over. i was tired of feeling so small to him and not mattering. he pissed off my dad one time and refused to ever come around my family again. he says he would try to fix things but never did. he tells me he’ll try to remember to do things that make me feel loved and appreciated but he doesn’t. our time together consists of sex, watching tv, and eating. i get good morning texts. that’s all he’ll do for me.
it’s so crazy because when we’re sexual he’s all about me and he finishes inside me because he wants me pregnant or whatever it’s his fetish, but when i want flowers or to be taken on a proper date it’s no effort.
he doesn’t really speak to me much. he says he hates talking over the phone in all ways because all i do is fight with him. most of the fights we’ve had is me trying to express something and he takes it the wrong way and blows it up.
he puts no effort in how he looks anymore. i always made sure i look decent and not like i just rolled out of bed. is hair is long and unflattering. his clothes are stained. he doesn’t spend time doing anything productive. he doesn’t add anything to my life is how i feel sometimes. i can do so much a man can.
i am the complete package i think. i dont feel cocky, but i just know that i am valuable.
he’s my best friend, but i dont think he loves me. in that big fight we had sunday he told me that after i did all that crying stuff when he started college that it made him more apathetic towards me. i broke up with him. he couldn’t accept it. i’ve never heard this man cry and have a panic attack or even express how he cares for me like that. (this happened over the phone call) and after he sees me in person again it’s the same ole same ole.
i really am unsure and honestly conflicted and have mixed feelings i don’t understand this man. please help. i’m sorry if i rub anyone the wrong way.
It’s unlikely that he “hates” you, he’s just moved on from the stage of life he was in when you met him and now he has more grownup things to have to think about. It’s also not unusual for college students to become overwhelmed to where they don’t have much mental/emotional space in their heads for grooming, or catering to a romantic parter. You did the right thing in breaking up with him, the mistake was in apparently taking him back if you weren’t prepared to settle for what he’s currently doing, and not doing. What he is now is what he’s going to be at least until he finishes school. So if you don’t like the very low effort ‘dates’ he’s capable of right now you probably should just end this. You’re never going to fundamentally change him back into who he was at 18.
i am a full time student and i work a full time job. i still make time for him, and i make effort because i am the one who plans the meet ups anyways. does that change your perspective?
Why would it change the perspective?
The question isn’t about you and what you do. It’s about your boyfriend and what he does/doesn’t do.
If that is supposed to mean “I think he has time for it,” then that’s fine (although better to be direct instead of hinting at things). But it still means you aren’t getting what you need in the relationship.
If you broke up with him then leave it at that. It sounds like you guys aren’t good for each other and it’s time move on with your lives. End contact and focus on yourself.
I’m going to ask you something that my therapist asked me, and it felt like a slap in the face so fair warning.
Are you actually happy? Or are you just pretending to be?
I was 21 in a nearly 5 year relationship when my therapist asked me that. And it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was not happy at all and I was faking it. As much as it terrified the hell out of me, I left my ex and couch surfed before moving in with my parents again.
But after I left my ex, I started dating a coworker. And we ended up hitting it off pretty well… I’m 27 now, and I married my coworker. Not a day goes by he doesn’t remind me why he loves me and cares for me. We have a dog together! We’re saving up for a house too, and planning to move across the country to start over.
Breakups are scary, and they’re hard, and they hurt a lot. But sometimes, heartbreak due to a breakup is better than the heartbreak you experience from your partner while actively dating them. I would put yourself first. Be single for a bit. And focus on you. Find someone that says holy shit she’s my best friend in the world and I can’t wait to tell everyone I know. Because it’s out there
I’m gonna talk to you like a mom, and I warn you that you’re not going to like it: He doesn’t hate you, but it sounds like the relationship isn’t working for either of you anymore. But if your metric of someone loving you is that they frequently buy you gifts, cry, and have panic attacks, that’s not healthy. Hopefully you now realize just how unhealthy your reaction to your separation was and that you’ve done some work on your strategies to deal with emotions like that in the future.
Now, you’re entirely within your rights to end the relationship if it’s not a good fit anymore. Anybody can end any relationship at any time for any reason or for no reason at all, and it’s not up to him to ‘accept it’ – if you say you’re broken up, then you’re broken up and that’s that. And some of his behavior was very concerning, especially the fact that he *wanted* to get you pregnant when you’re barely an adult yourself, but it doesn’t sound like you actually set a boundary around that. Ask yourself why you accepted that behavior, look into some ways to improve your communication and conflict resolution skills, and take some time to learn about healthy relationship behavior for the future.