Hello guys,
So Me ’28M’ been dating my girlfriend ’29F’ for about 5 years now, which most of the relationship was online, we only meet for few months a year, because each of us moved to a different city than the one we ve met in,
i love my girlfriend, she is sweet, smart , caring, and genuinely a good person, legit someone you would wanna spend the rest of your life with and want to have kids with, but here is my issue with her, i am kinda of a curious person, i like to do things constantly and i like to learn new things mostly, the time after work and before bed i ve always used it to work on a project, read a book , or start a new hobby, or this sort of things,
however my girlfriend needs me to text her constantly and stay in touch until we fall asleep, and that happens to be the time i spend on my shenanigans,
In our first year of the relationship, i agreed with her that we can text 1h before bed everyday, it worked fine for me , but she was constantly mad about it, and wants me to speak to her more and give her more attention throughout the day, then i was like fine she is the love of my life after all , and i did what she wanted for the rest of the 5 years we ve been together, and during that 5 years we broke up once for about two months , and in that two months i managed to learn a new programming language, design and code a video game, read bunch of history books, basically achieveing in two months more than i did in 5 years, then we got back together and i just went back to doing nothing, and after two years or ao from that two month break up , we didn’t talk for two weeks or so, and i managed to co other a 15 page comic book with my brother, and now we didn’t speak for a week and created a and printed board game that i am currently testing and balancing with a group of friends,
You must be thinking, why wouldn’t we just talk over the phone instead of texting, so we can talk while i work a project, unfortunately she doesn’t do phone calls, because of some reasons she has , and she can’t compromise on that
Also you would think why wouldn’t i text her while working on something, unfortunately i tried that but i cant seem to do two things simultaneously i get carried on i stop replying for 30 min or so and she would get mad or sad
I proposed to her that we do an activity together multiple times , one of her choice , whether it is learning a language or a skill that would further her professional carrier or anything, but she refuses, and i genuinely feel like a worthless waste of air when i am not learning something, that’s how i always valued my existence and being stagnant literally suffocates me
What made me bear all of that is knowing that its a temporary thing only and when we would ve living together i wouldn’t have that issue and we would be hanging around talking while each of us is doing their thing , but after the last week i started feeling like she held me back for all those years and she is holding me back further
So i need your advice , especially people who ve been in the same position as me, is there something i could be doing? or is every relationship just like this ?
So I guess my main question is..do you have any plans to move to where she is or vice versa?
Yes we were planning to get married within 2 years or so
So is the plan to move just before the wedding? It doesn’t seem like this current form of communication is working for you. I don’t know think it’s good idea to continue on like this. But do you think things would be better if you were living together and didn’t have to rely on texting and could be around each other and do some activities together.
From what I’ve read maintaining relationship sounds like more of a chore to you. Getting married will only occupy more of your time with her not make more then for your hobbies and activities.
You should really live with this girl, it at least be in a “normal” relationship before getting married. Online relationships have very strange dynamics, and only having seen people for a few months does not give you a real idea about what it is like to live with them.
Because she isn’t going to magically get less clingy just because you get married – you’re going to have less time when you live with her. Not more. Not is she suddenly going to want to spend time learning. If anything, once she gets married, is expect her to be less motivated, based on what you have said here.
When you live together will she be interrupting you when you want to learn a be programming language? Or if you want to read, can she entertain herself for a few hours every now and then?
It sounds like you want some space and to grow as a person, while she just wants your life to revolve around her.
Why? You don’t even enjoy spending more than an hour of quality time with this girl. Do you think you’ll spend less time together when you’re married?
re: the title, then break up. it isn’t any more complicated than that.
Every relationship is definitely NOT like that
You strike me as someone who doesn’t see maintaining the relationship as an enjoyable project in itself. I’m not sure why, but it seems as if you view texting with your girlfriend as more of an obligation—something you *have* to do—rather than something you *get* to do.
Maybe you have grown out of this relationship. It happens. It’s nobody’s fault, but staying in a relationship you view as burdensome is selfish. It isn’t showing her how you really feel. She deserves better than someone who’s simply going through the motions to appease her, and you deserve someone who makes you want to text with them for hours
That’s the point, i don’t wanna text for hours with anyone ,
That’s fine. You don’t need to be with anyone if you don’t want to. But you need to leave this girl; not because you dislike her, but because you love **the idea** of being in this relationship more than you enjoy actually being in it.
You’re only texting with her to appease her. The whole thing is honestly kinda hollow and selfish. If you told her how you really felt about texting her, if you showed her what you just wrote here, she’d leave you—and rightfully so. But you don’t because you don’t want her to leave. You don’t want to be alone. It’s a selfish decision to stay.
But she’s a person too. She has needs and desires too. She deserves someone she doesn’t have to beg for attention. She deserves someone who doesn’t reluctantly text her out of obligation.
Please please quit wasting time with this girl..she is not the one for you, and neither is this weird arrangement you have.
What do you mean exactly by weird arrangement, would you be kind enough to explain?
Your relationship is 75% on line and she wants a bunch of attention…but doesn’t talk on the telephone.. you have zero time for personal expression and activities unless you are broken up. Do you realize how dysfunctional this entire situation is?