I’m (32f) in a situationship with a great guy (37m) who would like if we could be something more. What is the best thing for him?

I met this guy 8 years ago on Tinder when I was just looking for casual dates and sex. The sex was amazing and we also had a great time together outside of sex, but I ended things with him when another relationship got serious.

We reconnected recently after I left a 4-year, sex-deprived relationship and was looking for sex. We’ve been seeing each other for 8 months now. Sex has been even better than last time, but this time we also developed an emotional connection. I told him from the start I was grieving a relationship and I mostly texted him for sex, but he quickly fell in love.

He’s lovely, considerate, attentive, treats me like a princess and does all the things I always wished my ex would do. I feel very loved and I love him, too, but not in the sense that I want a romantic relationship. Outside of sex, we don’t really have a lot in common. I get bored/frustrated with his interests, he’s not really into mine, and we have different values.

We’ve talked a lot about what we want and I’ve been very clear that I don’t want a serious relationship. He’s said he’s ok with that, but he’ll sometimes say things that sound like he’s not (saying he wants to marry me, have a kid, etc.). Whenever I feel like he might be hoping for more, I have that talk with him again.

Over the holidays I was reflecting on my last relationship and I noticed I had this pattern with my ex that I’m repeating now. With my ex, I would say that I don’t want to be in the relationship anymore, but change nothing about my behavior and we’d eventually fall into the same relationship dynamic. My ex told me this was something that hurt and confused him a lot. I saw myself doing the same thing with the guy I’m currently seeing: I’d tell him I don’t want a serious relationship, but keep treating him like my boyfriend.

So when I can back home after the holidays, I told him I didn’t want to do that anymore and that I wanted to change my behavior. I told him no holding hands, no expecting to see each other every day, that we should have more of a friendship approach (we could still have sex, though; he wants it, too). He insisted that he didn’t want to change those behaviors, they were something he enjoyed. I insisted I didn’t want him to confuse things.

We tried to have a different dynamic but in under a week we were back to basically the same thing. Some things *have* changed; for example, we don’t assume he’s sleeping at my place every day anymore. Either he’ll say he’s leaving at some point or I’ll ask if he wants to stay over. I also limit how much we go out to eat because he always pays for that. I’m also going less to his family events.

We still enjoy each other’s company a lot, see each other every day (or text/talk on the phone when one of us is away), sleep together almost every day. But I’ve constantly felt guilty for wanting to stay in this situationship even though I know he’d like it to be something more, but every time we talk he says he’s ok with it. My approach has been to be very transparent and open about what I want and my reasons for that. But I don’t know if that’s enough.

I feel like a lot of people condemn situationships because it’s usually seen as a waste of time for the party that wants something serious, and that the right thing to do is for the non-serious party to end things for the benefit of the other party, who will never end things in hope of something more. So I brought this up with him recently and he said he’s totally understood and accepted that this will not turn into something serious. He even said he’s not in love with me anymore and is looking at other girls again.

I felt relieved but I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, or the thing that’s best for him. I feel like all the cards are laid out on the table and he’s free to make an informed decision. It doesn’t feel right to make the decision for him, especially since I’ve practically asked him to make it and he keeps choosing to stay.

For context, he seems like a really emotionally resilient person. He’s had near-death health issues (and therapeutic psychedelic experiences) that seem to have brought him peace and acceptance regarding changes in life and not always getting what you want. So he seems like he can really manage a situation like this that would be hard for other people. But I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or if I should really cut him loose like people say, even if he wants to stay despite knowing what I want and feel.

I’d love to hear people’s thoughts on what is the right thing to do in this situation. Thanks for reading <3

Edited to add:

Specifically, I’d like to know if it’s ok to continue this relationship or if the right thing to do would be to end things. And if it’s ok to continue, am I doing enough by being transparent and clear or if I should change how I’m handling things?

TL;DR: I’m in a situationship with a guy who’d like it to be serious. I’ve been fully transparent about not wanting something serious and why and he’s very emotionally resilient and wants to stay even though he knows how I feel. I want to treat him right and don’t know if I should end things or if it’s ok to continue, and if so, if I should do anything differently.