My best friend and I have been close since childhood and consider each other sisters. I have always been the fun "Aunt" to her now teenage daughters and we have always had a close relationship.
Recently her seventeen year old came out to me and made it clear that besides her own best friend I was the only other person she has told. She also told me that she was afraid to tell her mom, my best friend, because she knew she wouldn’t accept her. She told me that from a child she had felt like her mother hated her because she never fit the mold of what or who her mother wanted her to be. There was so much information in that statement that I was temporarily stunned into silence. I have never seen or heard anything that would make me think my friend felt that way about her daughter; however, I do have reason to believe that it would be very difficult if not impossible for her to "accept her".
I have a strained relationship with my own mother and have made it a point to let my daughter and "nieces" know that I will always love and accept them and be there for them no matter what. I know that is why she felt comfortable telling me and I don’t want to break her confidence or make her feel betrayed. I know having a strong support system in life makes all the difference and I want to be there for her through all of life’s up and downs… At least she will have a parental figure to help guide her. But I’m afraid keeping this will ruin the lifetime friendship between her mom and I. I don’t want to lose my friendship either.
For the moment I am keeping my mouth shut and encouraging the teen to talk to her mom but I feel like a total jerk for not telling my best friend. AITA?
NTA: You’re playing an important role as a trusted adult in the life of a vulnerable young person. Ultimately it’s not your information to share and there is no guarantee that if you did that the mom wouldn’t be upset and suspicious of you anyway.
especially if you know the mom won’t take it well, you risk causing harm to the child by telling her.
And it isn’t a “harmful” thing – she is not sharing she is into drugs, or dating a 40 yr old, or something that might put her in jeopardy. This young girl is just learning who she really is, and this secret should be kept in confidence.
Especially since the truth COULD be harmful (getting beaten, kicked out, sent to conversion camp etc).
NTA you can’t tell your friend. If you wanted to prioritize your friendship with your friend over being a safe space for her kids then you should have done that earlier so her daughter wouldn’t have confused in you. It would be horrible and manipulative (even if unintentionally so) for you to create a safe space until the things shared became so important to keep from your friend and that’s when you change the rules and share. It would also really fuck up that kid, how would she ever really trust someone again?
And also, like if your friend eventually finds out, and then also finds out you knew and is mad at you for not telling her so she could reject/exclude her daughter sooner – that feels like a level of immoral behavior on your friend’s part that you should be siding with her daughter even if it ends the friendship. What if she finds out and kicks her daughter out of the house (a huge percentage of homeless teens are kicked out by their parents for that reason), would you give her kid a safe space to stay or take your friend’s side?
I had never thought about it this way. I created the safe space for a reason, to offer support if ever needed…mostly because that was something I had very little of myself as a child. I don’t believe it would ever come to this, but if it did then yes, I would absolutely give her a safe place to stay.