Alright guys, sorry for any typos first off as I’m typing this on my phone lol
I (22m) have been NC with my biological father for nearly 18 years.
I don’t know much about the guy. My mom says he was very kind and good with us when we were younger, and that due to his mom, he was a heavy addict who she didn’t want influencing us poorly. She left him to let him get sober on his own, yet he never did. This led to many years in prison, and us growing up without him.
It also led to a few stepdads who weren’t exactly any better. The specific one however is J (38). He wasn’t exactly *horrible,* but he wasn’t great either. He is an actively heavy drinker who constantly picked fights with us kids and would target me specifically since I was born female. He would make comments on my appearance, on my body, how I acted and spoke and overall was a bully to me everyday growing up.
She has left him and is now single, but keeps in touch with both. I don’t really care that she speaks to them (I mean, it’s her exes, who am I to tell her what to do?) but I made it abundantly clear I want nothing to do with it. No updates. Not to be referred to while shes talking to them, and if I’m in the room while they’re talking, to just be ignored or told about it so I can leave.
Not only does she not seem to understand this, but she actively goes against it. I ask her not to tell my bio dad something? She will make sure to specifically bring it up the next time they call. I ask to not be on camera? Suddenly I’m staring at my stepdad. I’ve told her multiple times this is exactly what I didn’t want, but she insists I’m the asshole for acting that way towards them. and that "they’ve done nothing wrong to me, so why can’t she talk to them?"
She also says that my stepdad is the man who raised me, and my bio dad is the one who made me, so they deserve some respect for those things
I have many reasons to want NC with either (which I can explain later if you guys want) but I just need to know if I’m in the wrong for telling her to stop mentioning me?
NTA. I orphaned myself and do not recognize that I have parents. When they can grow up and apologize I may revisit. But I have lovely people in my life who act as stand ins when needed.
“I orphaned myself” sounds so much more brutal than emancipation 🤣
Nta
NTA. I went through something similar, but with my mother instead. “Respect” isn’t owed because someone contributed DNA or was physically present. It’s earned through care, safety, and decency. It’s important parents show all three to their kids if they want to stay a part of their lives.
NTA
Respect is earned not given, So that’s a start.
Considering your mom chose 2 different addicts as partners and is happy to forgive them, she has her own demons to battle (whether or not she is willing to face that). It isn’t up to her to determine who deserves anything from or about you. I am not saying that you should go NC with your mom, but if she refuses to defend your boundaries, you might have to include her in the group that has limited contact until she understands.
NTA your stepdad *does* sound horrible, *and so does your mother.* Boundaries don’t enforce themselves. Change your behavior to get different results.
NTA. I think that because you live together, your mom is too comfortable and likely still looks at you as a minor because there’s no respect for you and your adulthood. No one deserves to know anything about your life unless you want them to. I’d stop talking to her about anything other than the weather. She doesn’t deserve to know if she can’t respect you. Her still being friendly with her ex is likely to stick and the way I see it, she isn’t going to change. You might want to also start making plans to move. I would if it were me.
NTA for your request, but you already know it wont be honored by her. Its long past time to stop expecting her behavior to change, so your only choice is to change your own.
NTA, and it’s time to introduce your mom to the grey rock experience.
NTA- move out asap & go low contract with mom too
NTA
It doesn’t matter what the reasons are, and you have some excellent ones, but it is YOUR choice to go NC.
It does not matter what other people want, they cannot enforce contact and if it was me I’d be telling anyone who passes on information about me that they will be next on the NC list.
NTA for enforcing boundaries against unsafe people in your life. You understand this about dad & stepdad for their substance use disorders. What you might be trash to grow into is enforcing boundaries with your mom who consistently overrides your consent with regard to your dad & stepdad. Your mom’s not demonstrating “safe people” behavior.
Stop sharing information about yourself with your mother. If you live with her, move out. The less information she has about you, the less she can share with other people. NTA for asking her to respect your intimacy but she obviously does not care.