Full context: every year, my partner and some of my family members go on a snowmobiling trip in Canada. Almost all of my family members are functioning alcoholics. My partner is not an alcoholic. Historically, these trips have been booze fests, which has always worried me because it seems that drinking all night then snowmobiling the next day is a recipe for disaster, but I’m not a snowmobiler and not a drinker and do not attend these trips, so I don’t know. My partner has said that the pressure to drink is intense, and even they feel the need to "keep up."
One of the friends who goes on this trip is struggling to overcome his alcoholism. It was very bad, to the point where the shakes would wake him up a few times a night and he had to go drink to get back to sleep. He’s been sober off and on for a while, but is generally really struggling to stay sober.
This year, the drinking has been a little less intense (a handful of drinks for everyone every night) but they still have bottles of booze everywhere. They found out that the friend who is trying to remain sober ended up drinking, and when my partner told me this, I said that people shouldn’t be drinking around him because the pressure to drink is intense, and the pressure to go on this trip is intense.
We got into a huge argument about this. I know the friend’s problems with alcohol are his problems, but with how much he struggles, I’m sure that his only option is to not go on the trip, for which everyone will give him shit and complain because of how they split the rental house. They have done this before, when he/other people have not gone. When I mentioned to my partner, who agrees the drinking is excessive up there, that maybe at least they should not drink so this friend could have a sober buddy, my partner said, quote, "I don’t want to be the outcast for not participating."
Am I an asshole?
NAH, in my opinion.
It is really incumbent on the recovering alcoholic to police his own recovery and to do what HE needs to do to stay sober. He should probably avoid this trip, despite the social repercussions.
You’re right in that friends who do want him there should consider his struggles and support him, too.
I agree with you, but if the group doesn’t want to curtail the drinking then the alcoholic should not go.
(I’m a recovering alcoholic myself, and if I had been in this situation I’d skip the trip.)
NAH. As someone who has a problem with drinking, you can’t alter the lives of others to accommodate him. He shouldn’t have gone on that trip and he probably knew that before he went. I don’t go on booze fest trips with my sisters but I’ll pick them up from the airport. I see what you were trying to do but him relapsing was nobody else’s fault or responsibility. He needs to get help and know his limitations.
I’m a recovering alcoholic. This friend is making a choice to still hang out with drinkers. When you quit drinking you have to distance yourself from any drinking friends.
They’re all on this trip to have fun and drink. They can’t be expected to change that for their friend.
It sounds like the friend isn’t serious enough about quitting alcohol
On one hand I agree, but in my personal experience, I have a hard time with that answer.
My nephew has a drinking problem, and it’s messing with his life. Everyone on his fathers side are big drinkers including functional alcoholics, and others not functioning as well. The whole family is tied to this lifestyle and while I understand my nephew makes this choice he also wants to hang out with his family.
I do not understand how “friends and family” see someone struggling and not want to help, or even undermine the progress. Are those really friends?
Gonna go NAH. It’s nice that you care and want to help this guy stop drinking, and you’re clearly coming from a good place. But it’s also on him, not everyone else, to control his drinking. If he can’t handle the pressure of being around drinkers, he shouldn’t be around drinkers. It’s not fair to demand everyone else not drink just for him, and it’s not fair for one person to get all the pressure so they can play ‘sober buddy’, either.
Honestly, the drama of backing out of the trip will probably be easier to handle than the drama of not drinking while on the trip, especially for the one trying to get sober. Instead of trying to police your partner’s drinking on this trip, or the whole groups, you should be hoping this guy backs out or staying out of it entirely. The only person you get to control is yourself. Plus, asking your partner to not drink to support the friend is basically asking him to have a miserable vacation so someone else can also have a miserable vacation. You can’t control whether anyone drinks on this trip, not your partner, not the friends, not the hopefully recovering alcoholic friend. If he relapses again, that’s because he doesn’t yet have the willpower to resist the temptation. And, if that’s the case, he needs to avoid being around big drinkers for a while.
One of the things in recovery is you can’t ask other people to alter their lives because you don’t drink. So what if they get shit for not going. It’s worth it to stay sober.
NTA- I would say this is a tricky one.
I do think people should try to help people who have been addicted but there’s also an element of managing your own triggers too (for example, you can’t walk into a bar or pub and demand they not serve alcohol because you’re a recovering alcoholic.) And so if he knew what these trips were, he also should have just not attended.
All that being said, if they hold this event every year and pressure every one to drink heavily to the extent that someone is an outcast for not joining in – everyone who encourages that behaviour is an asshole. I also googled it, and under both Canadian law and in most US states it is illegal to be drunk whilst driving a snow mobile in the exact same way it would be in a car. (Apparently some US jurisdictions even have a specific ‘SWI’ law!) And so anyone doing that is also the ah!
YTA for falling for the trap that anyone except the alcoholic is responsible for their drinking. It does come from a good place but misses the boat completely. What happens if your partner is their sober buddy and the alcoholic drinks anyway? Is he responsible for that?
YTA,,, you are completely correct that it’s a horrible environment for that friend. It’s debatable whether or not they should make it a sober trip or if he should just not attend. But what isn’t debatable is, you do not have authority to tell them what to do on these trips especially considering you do not even attend
My judgement is because you “got into a huge argument over this” with your partner. That’s not fair to your partner at all. They don’t have control of other people either.
Nah – but the one struggling with sobriety knows there’s non alc beer and spirits these days? Right? Yes they will still get ribbed for being sober but can still participate and have something that scratches the edge of that itch.
YTA friend doesn’t have to attend the event. If an alcoholic can not handle being around drink then they should not put themselves into them situations. The world isn’t going to accomidate them unfortunately
NTA. I am a social drinker / retired binge drinker. I also am a snowmobiler.
Depending on how old everyone is… It’s hard to be the sober one in the party friend group. Family addicts are worse.. As I got older and chilled out with the drinking, i can understand it’s awkward and tedious to be the sober one in a degenerate group period. If your partner feels pressure, they should just carry a drink in their hand. I’d go to the bar with friends and switch to a Coke/pepsi and that help alleviate the sober-anxiety just having something to hold and sip.
With being the sober buddy.. if they give a shit about this friend, it should be no question. The guy can’t sleep without a drink, this should be a warning and a wake up call. If all of their friends would abandon them for being sober so their friend doesn’t literally die from his liver giving out one day, then those people aren’t friends. But I think it’s also fair if said friend doesn’t go on these trips in the future if they feel awkward or pressured to drink and they can’t handle it.
The sober friend has a battle and being surrounded by alcohol would tempt anyone! But, it is his problem and not the groups problem. We all can’t be changing our lives because someone can’t control theirs. We just can’t. We all have crap on the table, and triggers, and we can’t have the world stop and accommodate us. I wish it could. I think the sober friend will just have to not join the group anymore. I know its not fair, but that event is literally built around alcohol. I know when I quit drinking, my friends changed too, slowly, I just wouldn’t be able to join the old friends anymore, that lifestyle wasn’t mine anymore.