Hi! I’m F20 and my bf is M23. I live with my dad since I was 13 (I lived with my mom but choose to move to my dad’s place because we are/were really close). For the last 2 years I’ve been studying full time in a bigger city, 30km from where I live, and my bf lives in that city.
Now I’m in vacation, and I spend my time helping my dad with work when he needs help, and doing my own things when there’s no work to do (our work is based on demand so sometimes we have nothing to do, and sometimes we work through the night to finish jobs because there’s so much work to do).
I work from my bedroom, and he works alone at an "office" (which is basically the outbuilding of our house). So, even though I’m in vacation, we only see each other at lunch and at night.
Now that I’m in vacation and I can’t see my bf frequently, I try to spend a full day (9am to 10pm) with him at least once a week or once every two weeks, and I tend to prefer going to his city because he lives alone, but my bf tries to come at least once a week to my city too. We spend almost the entire day on the phone when we’re not together.
Me and my dad spend a lot of time watching videos/movies/tv series together, normally from 6pm to 9/10pm everyday (and sometimes the full day at weekends), and then I go to my bedroom to sleep or talk to my bf.
But my dad apparently is feeling abandoned or something. Today we had an argument on which he talked about how I spend the entire day locked in my room, that I don’t go to his office to see him, that at 9pm (which is apparently too early for him) I leave him to talk to my bf, etc etc.
AITAH? I don’t know, it doesn’t sound like I’m abandoning him or something. I’m just spending a normal amount of time with him everyday, but for him it doesn’t seem enough. Should I spend more time with my dad?
tl;dr: I spend the evenings with my dad, and the rest of the day at my bedroom working when needed/doing my own things/in the phone with my bf. Am I not spending enough time with my father?
Is it not normal for an adult to spend more time with their boyfriend than their father?
Also, you have been spending time with your father. I think maybe he is incorrectly wording the issue as not enough time, when perhaps he wants to be doing something else with you during the time you watch movies.
It’s also entirely possible he’s upset that you now have a boyfriend and are an adult. But spending 3 to 4 hours everyday with a parent is more than some people would offer.
NTA, OP.
Your dad needs to stop treating you like his companion and find a gf. Or a bf. Whatever. You’re not his partner. NTA.
Is this one of the more serious relationships you’ve been in? Sounds like your dad is going through an adjustment and feeling neglected. But even if he feels that way, it sounds like you’re spending significant amounts of time, and really conscious of making sure you do so. Definitely NTA.
NAH. He wants to spend more time with you. And you’re grown up with a bf you also want to spend time with. I think both your needs are valid.
Maybe suggest doing other things together though, besides just binging shows / videos / movies. Not a lot of opportunities to talk while watching TV.
NTA it’s normal you’d want to spend more time with your bf than parent, especially at your age. If your dad wants more time with you, he could take a day off work and plan something fun.
NTA this is part of growing up. Your dad needs friends.
NTA
You are an adult with an Significant Other. You SHOULD be spending more free time with them. The amount of time you are spending with your dad is overly generous given your age and status.
I am not saying your Dad is TA so much, but he doesn’t rate and NAH here because he is fully aware that adult children fledge and are supposed to have lives of their own.
You are not his emotional support and loneliness protection pet. You are his grown up child who is moving into the next stages of your life.
To be fair to OP’ father, its not uncommon for parents to feel this way when their children start becoming adults.
My parents felt like this when I was around 17/18 and staying out till late with friends or being away for the whole day on weekends. Its part and parcel of growing up
Dad is getting empty nest syndrome and doesn’t want to be alone. He needs to find more companionship. Tell him to take up a hobby. You have a right to a life outside of him.
NAH. Some parents adjust to the transition to adulthood more easily than others. You are each entitled to your own feelings about it.
NTA – It’s normal for people your age to start drifting away from their parents, and spending more time with friends and significant others. Sounds like maybe your dad is having a hard time letting go of his little girl. And it could be that he was excited for your break because he thought he’d get to spend more time with you.
Talk to him about it gently. And maybe plan some days during your vacation where you and your dad spend the day together. But don’t feel guilty about spending time with your boyfriend.
Could your boyfriend come to your city and help you and your Dad? If you’re serious about this guy you want your family to like him. You could do more little things for your Dad, like open the door to the office and just say I love you, or a random hug. It’s hard getting older lol.
NTA at your age I had moved out to a city 4 and a half hours away from my parents and only saw them for Easter and Christmas. Your dad has unreasonable expectations, you’re an adult and it’s normal and healthy to not spend all your time with him.