We are friends for 6 years and she is over wight all her life, but it got worse these days and she doesn’t want to do anything anymore. I got her a dietician but she doesn’t wanted to prepare the healthy dishes, i did it for her a couple of times but i really suck at cooking and i quit.
I wanted to get her a therapist cuz she doesn’t wanna do anything but it was too expensive. I do her house charts for couple of months now cuz i can see she is depressed and she doesn’t wanna move some much cuz of her weight but i don’t wanna be her maid at this point.
But i love her and i don’t wanna leave her alone with all the things, cuz i can really see she is depressed but she doesn’t do anything for getting better. She gets worse every day and i feat in a year she cannot gonna even move from her bed. Am i the asshole for don’t wanting to help anymore?
You’re not the AH. NAH. Definitely sounds as though she is depressed. I would try to be supportive, but also insist that she get medical help. Helping around the house occasionally is fine but it’s not sustainable to take care of everything for her all the time. Good luck to you both!
Yea I agree being supportive is the best move alongside guiding her towards getting help
NTA. You got her a dietician, cooked for her, did her chores for months. Thats way beyond what a friend should do. You cant help someone who wont help themselves, and youre burning yourself out trying. She needs professional help you cant provide
NTA, and it’s unclear if this is N A H. If she is in a mental health crisis, it’s hard for me to call her an AH. But IDK if that’s the reality or not.
Your post is a tad confusing but what I’m taking away from this is that you live with someone who has severe depression due to, or partly due to, being significantly overweight (or maybe it’s the opposite). You’ve been a great friend by covering for her around the house, for getting her a professional to help, and for attempting to provide meals for her. Those really are above and beyond kinds of things and it’s the sign of a good friend that you did them. You gave her some time and grace to figure things out. But you can’t do those things indefinitely, and if you did it would equate to *enabling.* As it is, you are at risk to see a shift where you become her caretaker more than her friend. If you weren’t her roommate, no other roommate would tolerate this from her.
Sadly I don’t really have any advice for you. IDK if it’s time for tough love, an intervention, or what. It’s possible it would be better for your friendship if you don’t live together…you might need some space from her in order to bring your friendship back to having more balance. There is only so much you can do to love and support her into fixing things in her life. Encouraging her, being her sounding board, etc. – that is reasonable to ask of a friend. Taking on her life’s tasks is not reasonable to ask of a friend.
The most confusing part is i don’t live with her. I am living in my university and she has her own apartment. I had to go her apartment every day. I do it cuz she was all i have when i got nothing. And still, i feel so guilty cuz i cannot help her at this point and sometimes i really don’t wanted to cuz yk she doesn’t do anything for getting better and i cannot do anything for her.
I’m glad to hear you don’t live with her; that would make it much harder to change the situation. Right now you are acting like a paid in-home caretaker. You need to stop doing so much for her. Talk to another friend or a therapist to figure out how to cut back in a way that feels doable.
NAH this is a bit confusing but it sounds like she’s in a mental health crisis, and you want to help but nothing is working. This is beyond you I think. If you are concerned for her, speak to her parents or someone in her family she is close with, and tell them what’s going on.
i feel guilty that much cuz she has nobody. Since high school i was her everything. She has a bad family so she stop talking with them since we go to the college. And she doesn’t have any friends other than me cuz the people don’t wanted to do basic thing for her, and she always asks for it. I do it bcuz i know her for so long and i know who she really is but i also know she doesn’t wanted to heal, she doesn’t wanted to be happy ot gain weight. But sometimes i think she doesn’t wants it bcuz she is depressed and alone and i feel so guilty at those times.
she isn’t being fair to you. This is not your responsibility.
You care about her, so I think you should have a hard conversation with her, that you’re worried for her, and feel that she needs to help herself now. She needs to seek treatment for her issues, and you need to take a step back and not do everything for her. You can be supportive and care and help without enabling her.
NTA. You can only do so much for someone else. At some point, you have to stop pulling them. You don’t have to abandon your friend, but you need to wait for her to come meet you (metaphorically) where you are. Abandon the chores and the cooking. Call her on the phone. Encourage her to come out to get coffee and talk. Plan a walk if she’s up for it. But don’t going burning out on doing for her what she won’t do for herself.
YTA to yourself. You are an adult, she is an adult. You are overstepping all reasonable boundaries. Food addiction is just like drug addiction in the sense that the person has to want to deal with it. You doing all of this is NOT normal or reasonable. And probably making her feel like a loser for not doing what you want.
NTA, but you are to yourself, because you are accidentally helping her to be fat by not insisting that she pull her weight (accidental pun). You are being an enabler.
Tell her being roommates won’t work unless she starts helping.
Don’t ruin your life for her. You can still be best friends while you live apart. Having a new roommate who is engaged with life means you double your social life.