My son (16M) is a junior in high school. He has good grades, is involved in leadership at school and in the community. He is a thoughtful and hardworking kid. He is looking at a competitive (but realistic) university and has started working on his application essays even though they aren’t due for months.
Recently, he spent hours handwriting drafts. He eagerly shared one with me and it was genuinely funny, thoughtful, and very "him." One of his essay ideas focuses on a leader in the program he hopes to be admitted to. Apparently, he’s looked up to this person’s work for years and finds their career inspiring.
Recently, a friend asked how our son was doing. We shared his college hopes and the essay topic. This friend said he knows someone high up at the university and might be able to arrange a meeting with the program director. An informal visit, campus tour, etc. He was clear that this would not influence admissions. Our son would still need to qualify and apply like everyone else. He said not to tell our son, in case he couldn’t make it happen. We obliged, thinking it would be a nice surprise if it worked out.
Well, the meeting is a "go."
When we told our son, he was excited at first, but then had second thoughts.\* He said accepting the meeting would feel like nepotism and that it goes against his values.\*\* He feels uncomfortable getting an opportunity other applicants wouldn’t have access to.\*\*\*
I can understand that perspective. At the same time, I see it as networking. This wouldn’t guarantee admission, and he could just as easily make a bad impression as a good one.
He’s currently refusing to go. I admire his integrity, but I also don’t want him to close doors unnecessarily. Not to mention, this friend made phone calls to arrange this opportunity, and I feel guilty that their time and resources may have been wasted.
AITA for encouraging our son to take the meeting?
(posted with son’s permission)
\*My son said I must clarify that he would have to send an email to this director that included he was connected to a person high up in the university in order to secure the meeting. This person will also likely have a say in his application process.
\*\*Son says because he feels the meeting isn’t based on merit, but on this connection as he hasn’t talked to or had any interactions with the person offering the opportunity in years.
\*\*\*Son says and will likely have a positive impact on his application.
This is how the real world works though. Nothing is exactly fair
NTA. Pure meritocracy is a myth! There is nothing immoral about taking advantage of connections like this one.
Fair is a concept for children and stupid people.
Two people in a room can’t agree on what fair is.
He can operate in the world as it exists or in some fantasy land.
Sounds like he has his shit together and works hard, nothing wrong with capitalizing on an opportunity.
Nobody is an asshole here, you’re trying to make things easier for your son and your son has impeccable integrity in this matter. I’d say if he doesn’t want to do the meeting then don’t do the meeting, if you explain to your friend why I can’t imagine how they would be mad
The reality is the world runs on networking, and who you know. And AI is making it even more important – given how easy it is to fake things with AI.
NTA at all.
NAH. People voting NTA are saying that the son is an asshole for sticking to his principles and I can’t agree with that, but he is being foolish. Everyone else he’s competing against to get into the school will be taking advantage of as many opportunities like this that they can get, so he’s just handicapping himself for no reason.
Agreed. Having this opportunity is such a privilege, and the son should take advantage of it. Everyone else will be taking any advantage they can. It’s not dishonest – it’s how you play the game. College admissions, like job hunting, is a numbers game.
Once you’re in, nobody cares how you got there. That’s when you really have to start proving your value.
NTA: Sometimes it really is who you know. Doesn’t make it fair, but doesn’t always make it wrong. Him (son) asking for the meet and greet isn’t the same as a friend offering a possible tour and to say hi to the director.
I hope he realizes that EVERYTHING is based on interactions and that “not going” might just tank his application.
NTA. This attitude is going to lead to him ignoring opportunities. He needs to remember that he still has to earn his spot. Just because he gets a meeting does not mean that will just be given the spot.
I understand your son’s discomfort, but I would encourage him to take this opportunity.
It’s only nepotism if his spot is guaranteed without question.
When I was in college, someone I knew from a prestigious organization reached out to me. I declined.
I have often thought about this error.
NTA
NAH
Your kid’s reasoning is understandable and admirable. And you as a parent are doing what you’re supposed to by trying to get your kid exposed to people in the field they want to advance in. People overuse and misunderstand the term “nepotism” these days, this hardly qualifies and it’s absolutely normal for young people interested in a field and a school to meet the people that work there in that field.
Now, I’ll preface this next bit by saying that you should back off if your son puts his foot down. Certainly, assuring him that networking and nepotism aren’t necessarily the same is something you should keep discussing in the future, but you don’t want to try to make him do something he’s strongly against at this critical phase of his life…
Try to instead present the meeting as a discussion about the field and potential career paths in general, and less so about the school itself. He can ask about the department and it’s facilities (and he should), but he should also ask the person about current changes in the field, what type of work he might expect to find after graduating, any non-field related courses he should consider taking to give himself a more well-rounded knowledge and skill set, etc. Ideally, he should have spoken to someone in the field about that by now, and if he has then you can point out that previous discussion probably didn’t unfairly shift things in his favor either.
Ultimately, I get where your kid is coming from, but he’s also gotta realize that nepotism isn’t as simple as this. And if he’s planning on going to graduate school, these are exactly the types of meetings he’s going to practice holding, because at the grad level the individual department plays a far greater role in deciding admission. Whereas for an undergrad, admissions is usually a separate department that doesn’t account too much for what a person at a department has to say about a candidate unless they’re writing a letter of recommendation. Long as the kid doesn’t slip the guy a couple hundred bucks during their meeting, I doubt he has anything to worry about.
NAH. Your sons feelings are valid. And in fact could take him far in life. But you’re not an asshole as a parent for trying to set this up for him.
NAH – yet – but with a couple of caveats.
Your son comes across as a person with very strong values and a keen desire to do what is right. That’s admirable, and should be encouraged.
You say it’s not nepotism. You say that meeting the program director and having a campus tour will give your son no advantage. I am unconvinced by that, because you also say “I see it as networking”. Networking by its very definition is making connections that you hope one day will give you an advantage.
Ask yourself this: if you genuinely believe it would give him no advantage in the admissions process, why is it bothering you so much that he wants to decline it? Why would it matter? So I wonder if you are lying to yourself here because that’s what you want to believe.
But I am not closely acquainted with the university entrance system in your country, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt.
If you truly believe this is not nepotism, if you truly believe that the invitation to your son is within the spirit of the rules as well as the letter of them, then you were not wrong for explaining your reasoning to him and for encouraging him to go.
But if you’re being less than honest because deep in your heart of hearts you hope it WILL give him some kind of advantage, then you need to stop right now, and respect his decision not to go. You will be the asshole if you don’t.
Similarly, if you keep harping on and on about it after he has made his final decision, you would also be the asshole. You may still think he’s wrong, but you have to allow him the right to decide for himself.
Not for the first time, I am grateful to live in a country where university admissions don’t depend on how convincing an application essay you can write, how well you come across in an interview, how many extracurriculars you did, which sporting teams you were the star player for, or how many judges or politicians or faculty deans or captains of industry you personally know. For the overwhelming majority of university undergraduate degree courses in my country, none of those things is relevant. They certainly are for job applications later on, but not for university admission. No one includes an essay with their application or goes for an interview. With rare exceptions (such as performing arts which require an audition), the only things our universities care about are how good your high school grades were and whether you obtained those grades in the specific subjects that are prerequisites (if any) for the degree. Ass kissing is not only unnecessary here, it will get you nowhere.