About a week ago, one of my close friends (21f) from high school came to me for relationship advice regarding her 4 year relationship with her girlfriend (who I, 20f, was also friends with in high school but have since grown apart a bit). After talking through her doubts, she decided to go on a 3 week break with her girlfriend to figure out what she wanted for her future. She came over the day after breaking up for some emotional support, and we spoke about how she felt. Later that night, she began getting really close to me and ended up telling me that she was attracted to me. She initiated a kiss and we made out intermittently throughout the night (which for the record was my first experience making out with someone). She continuously asked if I was okay with what was happening and I said yes because I did not want to create any problems in our friendship and I was unsure how to say no to her. I am a huge people pleaser, so being able to stand up for myself and say how I felt uncomfortable in the situation was difficult for me. In the morning, she continuously said that she had a fun and great time, but made it clear that she felt this was an "experiment" she needed to get clarity on her own relationship. She decided to tell her girlfriend what had happened and hoped that her girlfriend would forgive her and take her back. I respected this decision and expected that her girlfriend would be rightfully angry with me. Later I was invited on a call with the two of them and after apologizing for my role and taking responsibility I tried to explain how it wasn’t something I wanted, but I wasn’t sure how to express that in the moment. My close friend (with whom this happened) got angry at me for choosing "people pleasing" and lying to her throughout the night. She couldn’t understand my emotions and began suggesting that because she was in a vulnerable spot I should have "checked her" and asked her if this was what she really wanted. **AITA for lying to my friend about how I felt in the moment? Or for letting this happen and hurting her girlfriend who I was also friendly with? AITA for not "checking her" before this happened since she had just gone on break with her girlfriend?**
ESH.
The thing about people-pleasing is that it doesn’t please good people. It *sucks* to think something is okay and then later have your friend be like “actually I did not like that at all, I just never told you during the time when you could’ve actually done something about it.”
And why would the three of you have a conference call with her girlfriend afterward? Whole situation is weird as hell.
I agree with this take.
I feel for you OP, and I don’t think you are an asshole, exactly. Your friend sprung a weird uncomfortable situation on you that you weren’t expecting and that’s not your fault, and your discomfort and difficulty with saying “no” wasn’t deliberate.
But it’s also not really okay. She *was* vulnerable in that moment, she checked in with you multiple times, and she trusted you to communicate your honest feelings to her, and you didn’t. I would consider that a violation of trust if I were in her shoes.
It’s not your fault that you have people-pleasing tendencies, but it is your responsibility to take accountability for it and work on it. People-pleasing hurts people. It’s a very harmful behavior, not only to you but to others around you as well. I say this being a recovering people-pleaser myself.
The rest of the situation is just weird. It wasn’t your responsibility to “check” your friend. She is responsible for her own choices. ESH.
NTA, but please start practicing saying no. Say it to yourself in the mirror until you are comfortable saying it. I also was afraid to say no when I was young and I feel like I let some take advantage of me. It is a crummy feeling. If you have the opportunity to get some counciling about standing up for your self, please do it. It will save you a lot of grief. Good luck.
thank you so much I am really trying to work on this
NTA. Your kindness was exploited and then you were blamed for it. It’s twisted and not okay.
thank you 🥺
Nta but learn to stand up for yourself. And congrats on your first gay experience
thank you🌈 that’s definitely something I need to work on 🫠
NTA, but do yourself a favor and learn how to say ‘no’.
You’re an AH to yourself.
Set boundaries with people, say no, physically move away or make an excuse to leave. If you let people do what they want with you and your body to “please” then you’re going to end up in some pretty horrific situations