I don’t even know how to explain this story but I will try. I had a friend that we will call M. We were childhood friends and their parents are godparents to my little brother. M started to realize they might be trans and I was the only person who supported them and was there by their side. Everytime i asked if they would like to call them by a new name and new pronouns they refused because they were scared.
Anyways, we started playing LoL and they realized it was a perfect place to be themselves (the opposite gender). I had no problem refering to them by their new name and pronouns in game as that made them comfortable and happy. And i was being supportive. One day we started playing with a guy that we will call C. We played for a year and M and C talked privately a lot. I knew this but i also knew M lied about who they were and were hidding behind photoshoped pictures and never reveled their voice.
Anyways i met up with C and we hit things off. We started hanging out a lot. M told me at one point they blocked C because they confessed to M that they liked them. Once M rejected C, they cried and were clingy and in their words "lame". I was shooked because it did not sound like C at all. Once M realized me and C were getting close they stopped hanging out with me. C and me started dating and M straight up told me they do not want to meet C.
I was hurt. This was my first partner and i was so happy. But i said ok since C thinks, M and my childhood friend are two different persons and not one. Because they wanted to be the opposite gender only online and not in real life. Later into my relationship i learned that C was looking for advice from M on how to get me because they liked me. I was flabbergasted because i taught they like M first and thats why they got blocked.
Well turns out C liked me all along and looked for advice from my "friend" but i guess they got jealous and blocked C and lied to me. The problem is i never told C that M and my childhood friend are the same person and that i lied since the day we met.
I dont talk to M because i am hurt that they tried sabotaging my relationship before it even began and that they let me feel like the second choice after them. AITA for not telling my boyfriend the truth and should I? It doesn’t effect my relationship since i dont talk to M but i still feel guilty.
NTA. This is one secret that is M’s to share because it is exclusively his story. M had seen fit to share that story with you; but to discuss their story with others is gossip.
The standard that I try to use in matters like this is that as long as something is someone else’s story, it is up to them to disclose. If that story impacts on you in a negative and severe manner, then its impacts become part of your story and you have every right to share it as you see fit.
While M tried to stop C from getting with you and has even blocked you, I don’t see M’s actions as having had severely negative impacts on you or on C. Give M some grace and let them come out in their own good time. If C learns about this, you can reassure them that it should prove to them that you can keep their secrets as well.
I did not see it that way. Thank you. I felt gulity because C is confused why they lost M as a friend. And honestly i felt it was because of me. I also felt hurt because they stopped being friends with me because of this situation while i have been nothing but supportive. I guess they also felt gulity about their lie.
Feeling bad because of someone else’s actions hardly constitutes severe harm. Suffering an emotional downward spiral that results in the onset of mental illness because of those actions, on the other hand, would. \[Yes, this is an extremely extreme example!\]
We all feel bad from time to time. Learning how to deal with it is part of what becoming an adult is all about.
If M’s blocking comes up, just tell C you are confused about it too. That’s the truth. You don’t need to disclose M’s secret identity unless a situation comes up where their behavior is Harmful to themselves or to others and their secret identity is relevant to that.
Outside of the complications of everything that happened, the most important thing to remember is that it is not your secret to share. Within the queer community it is considered violence to out someone, and that is especially true for trans people who face very real risk when outed. You didn’t start the relationship with a lie; you started it protecting a friend and being trustworthy. Don’t ruin that by sharing something that isn’t yours to tell.
Agree with this!
NTA
M’s decision to reveal themselves is entirely their call. But the fact they were manipulative and basically jealous over your new relationship is somewhat toxic.
That’s not actually being a good friend
NTA. Your perspective is a bit twisted and kaleidoscoped here. One, your relationship didn’t “start on a lie”. You have a longtime friend who may be trans. You were aware but did not disclose this to others because that fact is not yours *to* disclose. It is theirs. So that isn’t lying that is staying in your lane. C is not and never was dating or in a relationship with M. They have no right to know who M is, or is not. Besides, you no longer talk to M so it truly doesn’t impact your relationship with C.
They are *separate*.
Keep in mind sonething important: M was your friend. M is also a person. All persons deserve human dignity. That includes not having their private information shared with others. Regardless of whether M is still your friend or not, regardless of whether they hurt your feelings or did something wrong that ended your friendship, that does not take away their dignity or right to privacy and safety. Life is not tit for tat (or it shouldn’t be). M’s bad behavior while you were first getting to know C- and it was bad behavior, most likely out of hurt and jealousy- does not and would not excuse your telling C something private about M that C does not need to know.
They are *separate*.
Enjoy your new relationship. Move on and let M figure themselves out.