So, I (17) have been planning to move to Sweden since last year because where I live (Spain) the possibilities of studying Medicine for me are quite hard.
Recently (maybe 2 weeks ago), I bought some books to study Swedish and I asked permission to my mother to do that because she (35) controls my bank account since I am a minor, and she told me that it was okay but what I was doing is to create problems myself. The day the order arrived, I stayed at home because I had been feeling really bad those days back, and we were arguing because of that, then, I do not know how but the topic of me moving to Sweden came to the conversation, and she started to tell me that I would not be able to succed and without my family I would get crazy (she always wants to have the last word, and if not, she plays the role a victimist), and she started to try to make me feel bad.
Since then she has started to, not just ignoring me, but also trying to make my family against me.
I already know how is the process of moving to another country because I did it twice (not to Sweden but Latin America), and I know how Sweden works, I am really aware of how difficult it will be and how hard the beggining is going to be, but the fear can not stop me, because if not I will never be able to do other things without her (or my family).
Should I reconsider my decisions? I need others POVs, because like I have said, my family is kinda against me. And sorry if my english is not good.
Edit 1: For those who say that maybe is the fear and anxiety, I can understand her fear becuase I have been visiting a profesional because of my mental health, and maybe it really concerns her. By the way, I am really thankful about your responses. I really tried to do the post as objectively as I can, but if I took a third point of view, they would say the same thing I am saying.
Edit 2: I have almost B2 in Swedish, if this is significant.
Your mom sucks because she is trying to manipulate you into giving up your goals and staying home to “take care of her” for the rest of your life!!! If she actually cared she would be supporting you. This is truly awful and selfish behavior.
Yes,OP i came here to say this as well.
NTA – having dreams and working to achieve them is what you should be doing at this age (and, frankly, at any age!).
Offering moral support and practical guidance is a what a parent should be doing.
Instead, your mother is making this about her own fear and anxiety (likely about losing you, or losing control of you). Don’t let that stop you. .
Good luck!
NTA. You just need a plan and to keep it private. As soon as you are able, take your money and open your own bank account.
NTA. You seem to have a good idea of the challenges that you will face by moving to Sweden to pursue your studies. Also, you seem to have a good attitude towards them.
On the other hand, your mother seems to be having issues with your moving so far away. Instead of encouraging you and offering her emotional support, she is undermining your confidence in your aspirations and decisions to achieve those aspirations.
Good luck to you.
NTA and, from someone who’s been moving around Europe since I was your age, it’s not gonna be as hard or scary as you’re imagining. The first few days in a new place can feel rough, but as soon as you get out and start meeting people you start feeling a lot more sane. And Sweden gets a bad rep for being a bit unwelcoming, but within universities I think you’ll find it a lot easier to make friends. Especially if you find other internationals to hang out with! Taking the opportunity to travel and taking advantage of the EU open borders while you’re young is one of the best choices you can make. Good luck!
NTA. You may find yourself at home in the r/raisedbynarcissists. Suggestion is not a diagnosis of your mother, just a Reddit sub recommendation
NTA….I think moving across to an entirely different continent as a minor is impressive. YOU’RE impressive OP. You have the drive and maturity to understand that there’s difficulties and the grit to not be daunted by them. You’re gonna need that grit for med school love. You’ll probably be isolated for a bit due to the language barrier and cultural differences but if you remain focused on your goals and take one obstacle at a time then you’ll be just fine.
As for your family, I suggest Grey rocking to prevent your plans from being undermined. That means you give vague responses so that they can’t disrupt your plans. “I’m working on that”, “I’ll consider your idea, thanks!” “Plans aren’t confirmed yet” “I don’t know yet.” …..That kind of thing. It is simply an info diet. I’m def getting narc vibes from mom and the best way to deal with narc games is to not play. That means don’t engage and don’t let her tactics get to you.
Also, when you reach adult age get a new bank account at a different bank and move your money. Good luck & hugs from this internet stranger.
Sweden, Spain: all in the same continent.
NTA – there are so many ways in the EU to help with studying abroad and it’s a brave but fun decision to do so! Manipulating you into staying is selfish of her and I get that it’s hard to have family move far away but no one should try and hinder you in your wishes and live in general.
Maybe try to talk to her what her concerns are about you moving to get behind the real reasons and try to find ways to comfort her? For example if she’s afraid you would struggle financially you can tell her about scholarships (there should be a lot) or if it’s not seeing you anymore you could talk about the vacation times and phone/zoom calls. Sometimes it’s just parents being anxious bc they’ve never done something like that and don’t understand how one could successfully do it.
Still, as soon as you get access to your bank account lock her out of it. And talk to your bank about it being for savings and any withdrawals should be at least communicated to you.
I can understand her fear becuase I have been visiting a profesional because of my mental health, and maybe it really concerns her.
Maybe you need help because of her controling behavior and not because something is wrong with you.
You do you, but be wise in how you communicate to her. Me and most of my sibs would always be arguing with mom because we wanted to do things (many that were just our preferences and had no downside). But mom would want to interject and take control or demand we do things her way. Middle brother would never argue with her and agree sometimes or just say OK. And then when her back was turned he go off and do what he wanted and be gone for a couple few hours. And when he came back he’d come in usually smiling saying “hey mom” and the time away would cool her off and the smile disarm her anger. Sometimes he’d also buy her favorite candies and offer some to her as a good gesture of sharing. Mom would just smile at his diplomacy.
So you can communicate with her and maybe say to her “That’s something I’ll need to consider. Thanks mom!”
And leave it at that. If they push still, just say I’ll need time to think it over. Thanks!
Kind of like your leaning their way.
But I think you are right in going to Sweden. Maybe you can try to apply in Spain as an olive branch to them in you at least putting in a good faith effort to find info in their way; on your life plan of your dreams. But you do your dreams and not moms.