Throwaway account here.
As a quick background, I (M52) was married to my ex-wife (F47) for 6 years. We have one daughter (F18, who I’ll call Millie for ease) together and we generally have a "fine" co-parenting relationship. We only communicate when it relates to Millie, and it’s always to the point and almost standoffish. I tend to have Millie from Thursday evening to Sunday, and my ex has her for the remainder of the week.
Whilst my ex remarried about 10 years ago and had another kid, I have mostly stayed single. It’s not for want of trying but due to work commitments and just not finding the right person, I’ve never found anything settled. I’ve managed to build myself a very solid career (think high six figures) and, as such, most of my spare income goes on Millie. She certainly isn’t spoiled and I still ensure she does her fair share of chores, works hard at school and is kind and respectful to all those around her.
As her 18th birthday was coming up, I decided to do something special for Millie; your 18th is a significant milestone and I wanted to get her something I knew she’d remember. During conversations with her, I dropped in hints and eventually managed to find out about her car preference. As such, I purchased a car worth about £30,000, which she was incredibly excited and grateful about. I’d never seen her so happy and she thanked me endlessly. I told her to look after it and to enjoy herself.
When she returned to her mum’s two days later, I got a raging call from my ex about the car. She told me how selfish I was to buy her such an expensive gift knowing that she’d never be able to get something so expensive due to her income and it was a deliberate attempt to play "favourite". I laughed this off and said that there was no intention to play "favourites", and I just wanted to get my only child what she really wanted for the day she turned an adult. My ex went on about how her other child would be jealous about how Millie gets such nice things (not my problem) which she can’t afford and that she had saved to buy Millie a necklace. I told her I knew Millie would love it, is an adult who understands there are wage discrepancies, and she should be happy that her daughter is getting a present she wants, rather than turning this into an attempt to argue with me.
After the call ended, I spoke to my dad, who said that he understood my ex’s perspective, and I should have at least informed her of the car and made it a "joint present" or allowed her to contribute a car accessory or insurance. I still feel that this was my present, and there is no obligation to communicate with my ex on what presents I buy my daughter, and I know that Millie is aware that I have more disposable income, it doesn’t mean she loves me more or that there is any "favourites" going on.
So, AITA?
NTA your daughter is 18. You don’t have to agree coparenting anymore.
NTA; however I do think it would have been worth telling her about the car ahead of time. I don’t think you are TA for not doing it – but it would have been a “nice” thing to do.
You don’t have to do shit for her mother. Point blank. NTA.
How your exs other kid feels isn’t your problem, that’s an issue she took on when marrying someone else and effectively starting another family. She needs to learn to manage that the same way millions of other people do. If you were married no one would call you an AH for buying your kid a car, so why should it be any different just cause you’re split? Is the kid meant to suffer because of this? NTA and tbh now your kid is 18 you shouldn’t really have much future dealings with her mom now anyway.
NTA because it was a nice act for your child. But yeah, for a purchase THAT large, probably would’ve been polite to give your ex a heads up. Not required, but I’m not surprised she reacted that way
Wouldn’t that be NAH? I don’t think the ex was an asshole in this situation either, depending on how “raging” she actually was on the call.
NTA.
Why is your ex wife trying to compete with you for Millie’s affection?
>My ex went on about how her other child would be so jealous about how Millie gets such nice things ans she had to saved to buy Millie a necklace
Why does your ex think the feelings of her other child is your problem? If y’all are raising Millie as you described (not spoiled) then I have no doubts that she is grateful for the necklace.
Parenting isn’t a competition and it’s weird your ex wants to compete to be Millie’s “favorite”. You have the income and got your only child a car so what’s the problem
NAH. I can see both sides. This gift isn’t some sweater or a jacket it’s a 30k car. A little heads up would have been nice.
He is not married to her. No need for a heads up. They can lead their lives the way they want. Kid is an adult at this point.
NTA
Sorry to hear about your ex wife. But this in no way makes you the asshole here. You’re an adult, your daughter is an adult, and you’re allowed to buy her anything you want at any price.
NTA. I’d be delighted if my ex bought our son a car for his 18th birthday! When you co-parent you have to put your ego aside and concentrate on what’s best for the child(ren). Your daughter is happy and that is where the focus should be
My thoughts exactly! Even better if he also took on the insurance and maintenance costs. That would be a huge expense off my plate.
NTA, BUT… I agree with your Dad. It would have been courteous to inform your ex. It’s an extravagant gift and you’ve made her feel ”less-than.”
Sometimes a little communication to prepare her is all it would’ve taken.
I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that there was no malicious intent to one-up her. But you’re on Reddit over-explaining and looking for validation, so maybe reexamine your full motivations.
“ there is no obligation to communicate with my ex on what presents I buy my daughter” yes, this. NTA.