I (21F) visited my boyfriend (22M) in another state for his birthday. We’ve been dating over a year and long-distance for 6ish months. He’s on the east coast and flies back every now and then to visit me and has also met my mom before. She said she really like him and they text every now and then for bdays/holidays. I’ve also met most of his family in person or over FaceTime!
The problem is, my mom is rlly strict + traditional. I had a 10pm curfew until 21, couldn’t get rides from friends until 18, and even now, she expects me to ask permission to go out (not just tell her) and sometimes says no. She thinks it’s “trashy” for a girl to travel for a boy or stay at his parents’ house, even though his family directly invited me. She’s refused to let him stay at our house and insisted he get a hotel to be “gentlemanly,” even though he’s a broke college student (her exacts words “if he really loved u, he would”).
When I first mentioned the birthday trip, she was extremely against it. After multiple talks, she said I’m 21 and can do what I want, but I wouldn’t have her support. In mid-Jan, I told her I planned to leave the first week of Feb. She said okay and wanted to tell my dad (they’re separated) about my boyfriend and the trip; even though I felt like she was holding it over my head, I asked to tell him myself first. After that, she gave me the silent treatment.
The morning of my flight, she exploded and said I blindsided her and treated her worse than a stranger. While I do agree talking to her was the right thing to do, my mom is not an easy person to talk to when she’s upset and I figured I DID already tell her that I was planning on leaving this specific date. I know I’m not able to get out of that on a technicality and that showed her that I am not mature + she has legitimate reasons for being so strict, but I was so sick of her overreaction everytime I tell her something she does not like, that I figured it was better to ask for forgiveness later (it was my first and probably last time of attempting that strategy lol)
After the trip I tried to apologize and talk it out. She said I “forced” my boyfriend on her just by saying he’s important to me and I wanted her to like him. She then said I’m easy, desperate for male validation, even as going as far as flying across the country for sex. Since then, she’s been ignoring me.
My boyfriend’s mom offered to reach out to clear the air, but I think that would make things worse. I love my mom and know her strictness comes from love, but I feel micromanaged and trapped. I understand I should have communicated the exact dates more directly, but I also feel suffocated by how controlled I am at 21. My boyfriend has flown out to see me three times, and meeting his parents after a year together doesn’t feel unreasonable. I love my mom and know she’s strict out of concern, but I also feel micromanaged. So, AITA? Any advice on how to proceed would be great!
NTA.
That “if you want me to treat you like an adult, you have to act like an adult” BS is for 14-year-olds. That is, it’s not BS if kids *are* 14, but you’re 21 FFS.
Assuming you still live in her house, letting someone know the dates you’ll be leaving and returning is fairly common courtesy for any housemate. But since you say you *did* tell her, her claim that you “blindsided” is simply untrue.
Is this a joke? Of course NTA and your mom is the AH. This is an insane level of controlling from your mom. She should have backed the heck off as soon as you were 18. I don’t even see what the problem is here. You told her you were going to see your boyfriend in early February, and then you did that? The only immature thing you’re doing is bowing to any of your mom’s wishes.
You’re an adult. You don’t have to tell her all your plans. You can live your life the way you want. Save up some money and move out as soon as possible! Don’t let her guilty trip you.
NTA. Your mom is manipulative and controlling.
Girl you need to move out this is cray NTA
you are 21. Stop listening to your mom. NTA
I don’t think her strictness comes from love OP it comes from control and emotional abuse. You might want to consider going low contact. Nta
NTA. “Traditional” parents are just the worst
>I love my mom and know her strictness comes from love
No, it doesn’t. And neither does the silent treatment she gives you, which is a form of abuse.
It took me years to recognize that these things, even from our parents, aren’t about love. It’s about control, codependency, and adults refusing to do the work in themselves so they don’t subject their kids to abusive shit like the silent treatment.
>She then said I’m easy, desperate for male validation, even as going as far as flying across the country for sex. Since then, she’s been ignoring me.
Yeah, OP, this is straight up abuse.
NTA but your mother is. You are an adult. If she can’t let go, you should work in setting boundaries and getting out of her house asap.
OP your mom is just controlling, AND a bad Mom. Her job is to teach you how to walk out into the world on your own, she’s only teaching you how to keep orbiting her world.
For reference- my parents are super strict southern Baptist and I stopped asking permission at 19. Also, move out.
NTA. She is being emotionally abusive with her silent treatment. And she’s treating you like a child who can’t make adult decisions. She’s also stuck in a very traditionalist mindset, and probably doesn’t want to think of her “little girl” growing up or god forbid, having sex. IMO, you’d be better off finding your own place (with roommates) and doing your own thing, but I understand how it can be hard to support yourself if you are going to college.
Her strictness comes from a need for control. The sooner you can move out and take full control of your own life, the better it will be for you. And you really need to learn to recognize what control looks like so you don’t later find yourself under someone’s thumb again. NTA
Move out move out move out move out move out. That’s my only advice
***”After the trip I tried to apologize”***
\—Validating in her mind that she is owed an apology when it is the other way around.
***”Any advice on how to proceed would be great!”***
\—You can’t change your mother. Your can only change your reactions to her. Move out, live your life unapologetically and put her on a low info diet.
NTA. Your mom sounds horrible tbh. It’s one thing to be strict, it’s another to give silent treatment and call your daughter “easy” for having a boyfriend at age 21!