Thus, "Lena" (28F) is my best friend, and I am (27F). Since college, we have been inseparable. We met at \*\*the University of Michigan\*\* during our freshman year, and together we overcame heartbreaks, awful roommates, and far too many late-night pizza orders. Lena began dating this guy, "Mark," 30M, about a year ago. I made a sincere effort to like him at first. However, he would constantly make small remarks about Lena whenever we all got together, such as correcting her stories in the middle of sentences or making light of the fact that she was "bad with money" in public. I didn’t find it amusing. It appeared to be disparaging. Let’s go back to last month. I was invited to Lena’s birthday dinner. Mark organized it. This fancy rooftop restaurant downtown is where we all first met. Everything was going smoothly up until Lena began narrating a story about a trip she had taken alone prior to their meeting. “Yeah, that’s when she was in her ‘main character’ phase and thought she was going to move to Paris and become the next Coco Chanel,” Mark said, interrupting her. Everyone chuckled. However, Lena’s smile briefly faded. I witnessed it. Mark later joked that Lena would "probably forget their future kids at soccer practice" after having a few glasses of wine. That’s when I lost it. "I find it strange that all of your jokes are just insults," I remarked. There was silence at the table. There was silence at the table. "I was being sensitive," Mark said, laughing awkwardly. "No, I just don’t think it’s funny to constantly make fun of your girlfriend," I said. Lena appeared ashamed. She drew me aside and accused me of ruining her birthday and embarrassing her. She claimed that I caused discomfort for everyone and that Mark was "just joking." Since then, we haven’t really spoken. I’m conflicted now. Sincerely, I thought I was defending her. Perhaps I went too far, though? Perhaps I wasn’t meant to be there? It was dinner for her birthday. Rather than confronting him in front of everyone, I could have had a private conversation with her. Thus… Was I the asshole???
**NTA**
It was good you spoke up.
NTA but please don’t let this isolate you from her. If the relationship is as abusive as you describe, isolation is the last thing she needs. If you love her, eat some crow if you have to in order to maintain a communication line so that you can be there when it’s really needed.
I agree, but you’re gonna continue to witness some of the worst behavior ever and you cannot do anything until she is ready.
NTA, and good for you for standing up for your friend. Yes, it was awkward, and yes, it took the focus away from the occasion, but it needed to be said. What he was doing is abusive, and you had the strength of character to call it out. When no one says anything in the moment, he gets to keep doing it and is emboldened to move to the next step in his abuse pattern. Make no mistake, what he was doing is just one step on the path of an abusive relationship.
NTA. Honestly things like these can go either way. If someone is making fun of me at a party, even if it’s my partner, and I didn’t feel comfortable speaking up, I’d love if someone spoke up for me to know they had my back.
Ngl this relationship won’t last and when it ends, she’ll appreciate you for what you did ten folds.
NTA but it wasn’t the best time to call him out, especially if you’ve never discussed it with her. I can see how she’d feel embarrassed at the happening in front of her friends and on her birthday.
A quiet private talk might have been better to start with
Agreed, although his public shaming, cough, pardon, “joking”, also deserves a public rebuke. But instead of “defending Lena” as point of departure, OP could have focused on being sick of hearing only negative jokes and being displeased by the tension this brings to a group. If the defense is that it’s “just a joke”, asking for an explanation of the fun in the joke might also focus on that it isn’t a joke at all.
Absolutely NTA. I shut down my granddaughter’s future husband for pulling this crap. Good for you, your friend is very lucky that you stood up for her. Either Mark will cut his crap and treat her right, or she’ll need to dump him. Either way, it’ll be better for her.
Unfortunately, it looks more like she’ll dump OP and keep the shitty boyfriend.
NTA.
He insulted her in front of you. You don’t have to put up with that, even if she thinks she has to. He sounds like a supreme asshole, and I hope she doesn’t stay with him. However, don’t expect them to see it your way. She will protect him, not you. Just let her know that in the future, you’re going to avoid any events where he’s going to be there.
As a best friend, my response would be to insult him harder and worse until it was clear he felt bad. So she was actually kind of nice about it.
NTA, perhaps justified AH. Not a great place to do so, but I also feel like we have to bring back shame in society, man. He should be embarrassed 100%. But unfortunately (maybe fortunately because WHY does she put up with that?), so was she. I feel like pulling her aside and talking to her about him first would have been the first step before publicly humiliating him, as he deserved though.
Nta. He ruined her birthday. You just called him out. She can’t see it yet. I’d text her “Mark was doing a good job of ruining your birthday before I spoke up. I didn’t wait for him to get to the part of saying how you can’t manage money. Let’s just see each other not with him because you don’t want me to defend you and I hate how he cuts you down.”