I met a woman when travelling to the Philippines 5 years ago, and she got pregnant accidentally during a short visit. I decided to be a good guy and sponsored her for years, coming and sending money, and tried to have a relationship. Bought her land. Bought property there. Spent a lot.
Later I tried to live together for a long time, sacrificed my job, stayed for 5 months and we broke up. She was very jealous and dramatic. She left with a child, and it hurt me a lot. I then came back and begged her to reconcile, we stayed for 6 months, I spent more money and she we had less conflicts.
Then I went back to my 1st world country and did a citizenship for the child. She visited me with a child, and somehow convinced me to apply for partner visa.
We are together for 2 years now, and she is constantly dramatic, and trying to leave me. This time I was a bit jealous, I caught her flirting with work colleagues. I tried to explain that it’s not necessary to ask a work mate how did he get home and sending him hearts. She did got angry, guilt tripped me that I am a cheater in the Philippines, so she can do it here now, and I am bad bad bad, overall not her type, and she wants to leave, has no feelings but scared that her visa will get refused.
If we had no child, and if I wasn’t scared she would sue me to take my assets (I am rich, 20 years older than her, and she is poor) – I would definitely left her and then notify the immigration. But I also feel very sorry for her and our child. She won’t accept that child is better to stay here. She is trying to take the child with her, even that she has very poor conditions to come back to.
I offered her options to reconcile – take a break, go on holidays, move out of my home and rent 50/50 so she doesn’t feel trapped with me. I also offered her to go back to her country and living in her village, so maybe her relatives will help her calm down. I offered to build her a nice house, with my money, but she refused. She said she doesn’t want any control and hates to be in my frame, and wants to earn here for her own house and doesn’t want to ever see me again.
Sometimes she is in a good mood and she tells me she loves me. Then when I ask her – what for – she says because I am smart and useful. She is basically waiting for visa, and enjoying rent free living, plus I am looking 24/7 for our toddler. She has a shift job and works until midnight sometimes. Or night shifts. Which started making me unhappy and I asked her to quit and focus on family, I earn a lot and we can afford to live. She refused. She said she needs a job as an escape from me.
Basically, she has all the red flag you can think about, except not caught seriously cheating yet.
I lost sleep and developed serious health issues.
Every time I am trying to work it out, she calls me a nagger, leaving, searching for a room.
But I am still a bit scared to ruin her life by sending her back.
YTA. The fact that she works nights to escape you, even though you are financially secure, speaks volumes.
YTA, take responsibility.
ESH – you speak about your child like a bargaining chip as opposed to a human being. You do not have an obligation to stay in a relationship with your girlfriend if you are unhappy (and I would argue that you probably shouldn’t for everyone’s sake)…but you can’t keep the child from their mother indefinitely, or refuse to support them, just because you’re feeling some type of way about your baby mama. Ratting her out to immigration is a weird solution to jump to and will complicate your family structure. Have you tried therapy?
This is above reddits pay grade. Get a lawyer and therapy and work through this. Good luck!
Did you run a DNA test on the kid? I wouldn’t trust her at all.
I should
You have just as many red flags. You’re no prince. You played the game of FAFO and now your stuck. By all means, send her home and she takes her child with her. You can then travel back and forth to see your child while providing child support.
YWBTA. Look, I’m not defending her here, there are red flags on her end that aren’t great. But, perhaps you should’ve thought about that before deciding to hook up with someone during a trip. Now, she’s the mother of your child, and if she gets deported then that’s entirely on you to a) provide for the kid in the first place no matter what, and b) explain to the child what happened to their mother.
It’s a shitty situation to put kid in, and I think I’d suggest you seek the advice of a lawyer on how to deal with this in a way that causes the least harm to everyone.
What the actual fuck. If this is real it’s an utter dumpster fire. ESH.
And just to say it – y’all need to break up yesterday. It’s never going to work or get better. Try the best you can to be in this kid’s life, but ultimates she holds the cards there. But whatever happens next, I can assure you that the child is better of growing up in the Philippines than in your current home environment. It’s all dead and over. Put a stop to it and work hard to try to offset the impact on your child. Figure it out fast. Get a therapist.
Yes
It’s actually much worse but I can’t mention certain topics here.
This has to be bait….right? Right??
You’re the red flag here.
You’re 20 years older trying to control her with money. And because she would rather work night shifts to become financially independent from you, you’re trying to f her visa process.
Knowing that you would probably also lose access to your kid. Your kid that you keep referring to as “a kid” or “the child”.
You sound like a walking red flag and your money can’t fix that.
You’re rich. Get a lawyer. Figure out your options.
YTA. Passport bros have the weirdest drama