We have a baby (my first) under 2 months who became unwell and needed to stay in hospital, unfortunately on the day my husband had promised to spend quality time with his older son (11) that he shares custody with his ex. He hadn’t had any one to one time with his older son since the birth of our child, which also happened to be during a holiday and a few days before he was going on a holiday with his mum for 2 weeks. Despite struggling emotionally and physically after my CS I didn’t protest when he asked to go home to spend time with his older son before he went away with his mum. He didn’t even stay any of the nights after the birth until his older son was away (at this point both my parents and my sister was at ours and could watch over him). I never told him how I felt abandoned in the worst time possible as I don’t want to build any resentment or divide in our family. I understand the need to love and care for both his children but I can’t help but feel this was not the time to make things equal.
Now that our baby is in the hospital I’m seeing the same pattern where he is still leaving me and our sick child to struggle because he didn’t keep a promise to his older son – circumstances changed and I would understand if it was something less critical, but when it’s hospitalisation and constant holding /soothing a crying baby as well as no sleep and trying to breastfeed I would have thought he could understand the need to push that quality time for another day. My parents were still at home and able to look after him, although language barriers means no real connection or play time. He spends most of the days gaming regardless, even before the baby was born. I didn’t tell my husband how I felt this time either but I was so exhausted and emotional because it was 24 hours with 2hours broken sleep at most. No sitting down, no lying down, rushing to the toilet or scarfing down some food with the unwell baby in my arms. I’m starting to build resentment and want to confront him. Will I be the asshole for asking him to rearrange quality time with his older son when our baby and I are struggling?
Moreover it was a week of school holiday just 2 days after his promised one to one anyways where he could spend time with him.
Edit : sorry for the confusion! meant his 11 yo was going on holiday with his mum (my husband’s ex)! And there are adults at home to look after the 11 y.o.
Edit 2: eldest spends 50% of his time with us, 50% with his bio mom. He HAS SEEN HIS DAD every day he’s with us. Just not spending complete alone time with dad in the last 2 months during the day. Breakfast and bedtime he’s got alone time with dad. During the day it’s time with dad and at least one other family member – and that’s only when his eldest emerges from long hours of gaming.
Edit 3: despite the slight language barrier with my parents eldest used to have the best time with his step grandad – they didn’t need words to have fun but these days it’s like the eldest is avoiding everyone but his dad. And I worry it’s him feeling displaced but he doesn’t want to spend time with us whenever we try to involve him
Gently, YTA. This is what happens when you have two children, the older child needs a parent too so dad doesn’t stay every night after the birth and one parent will leave the hospital while the other parent stays. You can’t ask him to forget that he has another child right now.
This seems like a misguided take considering the child has a mother that isn’t OP. There isn’t only two parents available in this situation. Regardless, even if that weren’t the case older children generally stay with grandparents when a new baby arrives. There’s no reason OP needed to be alone at the hospital.