Am I the asshole for not inviting my dad’s new partner to our wedding next year?
My parents split when I was 23. We’re Australian, but my dad worked away a lot. When I went to university, my parents and brother moved to America for five years whilst myself and my sister stayed in Qld. Long story short, they moved back to Australia, separated, divorced, and now both have new partners.
My mum’s partner is an incredibly nice guy. He gets along really well with me and my fiancée and has made a real effort with us. He travels to our city for work and visits often. We talk regularly, and when he stays with us he’s respectful, helpful, and genuinely engaged.
After the divorce, my dad went back to working abroad for about four years (Batam/India). He met an Indonesian woman and they’ve been together about as long as my mum and her partner (maybe 2 years most). She doesn’t speak English and my dad doesn’t speak Indonesian. From what I can tell, they mostly just co-exist. She’s stopped working and my dad supports her and her three kids. In the four years he’s been abroad, I’ve only seen my dad for about three weeks total, and for two of those weeks she stayed with us as well. I love my dad, he’s an amazing bloke and I wish I could see him more often, but he’s worked abroad now for over 40% of my life, still I respect him a lot.
We’re having a small wedding, around 30 people. While we would love to include everyone, we honestly don’t really know her. When she stayed with us, we made genuine efforts to communicate, even using translation apps to try and have conversations, but she didn’t seem interested in engaging. She’s quite fussy with Western food and spends most of her time on her phone. When she’s around, it also feels like we lose my dad. He focuses entirely on looking after her and making sure she’s comfortable, which I understand given the language barrier and cultural differences, but it makes it hard to connect with him at all. We’ve tried to open our home and make her feel welcome, but we haven’t felt much effort in return.
Because the wedding is small and intimate, we decided to invite my dad on his own, however, we have invited my mum and her partner, as we quite like him as a person and want to share our day with him. I sent my dad a nice long message, and straight up put the ball in his court, that if attending without his partner makes him uncomfortable, I will happily ask my mums partner not to come. Mum’s partner also knows this, and is more than happy to not come if my dad chooses this.
My dad is now, honestly, much more upset than I expected, he’s usually very level headed. What makes it even harder, is my partners dad passed from cancer around 4 months ago. So watching my dad have issues with our wedding planning whilst knowing her dad would give everything to see us wed, is quite heartbreaking for her.
AITA?
YTA. If you invite a married person, it kinda goes without saying that you invite their partner as a +1.
If his wife hasn’t done anything bad, isn’t going to be a huge disruption at the wedding and wasn’t the reason your parents divorced, invite her and let your dad hover over her if he wants to.
YTA. Invite couples as couples. His relationship is not yours to judge and you’re not making any progress on getting to know her by excluding her and insulting your dad.
Using your fiancee’s dead father as justification for mistreating your living father is a choice…
YTA – Obviously, you can have whoever you want at your wedding. However, not inviting the partner of one of your parents is really a kick in the teeth to that parent, however you want to explain it away. It just is. You are quite entitled to not want her there, but your dad is definitely entitled to feel some kind of way about it.
It’s not the same, but I had a slightly similar thing at my wedding, where my partner wanted to invite his best friend in the world, whom I really don’t like. However, I love my partner more than I dislike his friend, so the friend came…!
You can make whatever decision you feel justified in making, but you’ll have to accept the fallout from that decision.
YTA. She should be invited because she’s your dad’s long term partner. That should be enough to warrant an invite. This seems more like a judgment on your father’s relationship than your wedding invites.
It’s weird line to draw. You’d rather uninvite your mom’s partner if it means you dint have to invite this other woman when you could easily just welcome both of them to celebrate with you
YTA. She’s one person. Do you really not have room for *one* person who has been your dad’s partner for years?
And YTA if you’re willing to let your dad’s emotion dictate if your mom’s partner-who you genuinely like and care for- gets disinvited.
It’s totally understandable to feel distant towards someone you haven’t spent much time with. And she has been your dad’s partner for years. Inviting one parent’s partner and not the other’s – YTA.
I fear the damage is done.
You “might” get your dad there with a big fat apology. If he comes, she comes, and you’re not going to interact with either of them. Is having your dad there worth it for you?
You said you love your dad. He has been with his partner as long as your mom has been with her partner. The “plus one” should be equal for both.
She hasn’t really done anything wrong to you. She’s not causing any problems really.
YTA and very naive if you didn’t think this was gonna be an issue.
YTA. Choosing to forgo your mother’s partner if it means the lady your father is dating can’t come is well.. a choice… you don’t like that he’s with this Indonesian woman and it sounds like you are implying she may be a gold digger or mail order bride.
YTA
If they’re a couple, you invite the couple. You’re old enough to know your father would be upset.
Using your partner’s dead father is emotional blackmail. It has absolutely nothing to do with the situation.
YTA.
No matter how small the wedding is, if parents are invited, all non-estranged parents and their spouses should be invited.
YTA, like her or not you can’t break up a couple. Welcome to the world of divorced parents.
YTA. It’s extremely rude to invite your mom’s partner but not your dad’s.
Edited to add: “Putting the ball in his court” was also a terrible thing to do, because now he’s the one to blame if your mom’s partner’s invitation is rescinded.
YTA.
If it was that you in general dont allow +1, I’d get it. If others dont have +1, but one parent does, the other one doesnt, YTA. If you love your dad, dont judge his relationship (which you seem to be doing and implying a lot of things), let him be happy.
30 people.is not that little that you eill be “stuck” in a “conversation” with her. But it is enough to make your dad feel excluded.