I (28F) have a friend named Alex (29F) who I met through work a little over 5 years ago. Recently, Alex has been wearing me out. Here are some events that happened:
1. Recently our workplace coworkers have changed (high turnover) so Alex now often looks to me for friendship. She is constantly always wanting to make plans or will call me just to talk for an hour on the phone. I don’t mind being available to talk or to hang out when I’m free but she is not the only person in my life. I have a husband, family, and other closer friends that I need to prioritize.
2. When Alex does want to hang she only wants to hang out for a whole day. Getting dinner is not enough for her. It’s like we have to have an activity and then go out to somewhere for dinner, drinks and dessert after. I’ve tried to say let’s just meet for coffee but she will wait until I have another free day to hang instead.
3. Alex’s old car was having issues. Instead of listening to advice to buy a reasonable car and pay some debt off, she brought a brand new luxury car. Alex was also tired of her parents. Instead of listening to advice of waiting a bit, paying down debt, and looking for a reasonable apartment, she immediately moved out to a *very* expensive apartment.
4. Alex has a friend named Caroline who likes to have a luxurious lifestyle. Since Alex moved out, she has been unable to keep up with Caroline’s lifestyle. They were supposed to go on this shopping trip but Alex then had an unexpected expense, couldn’t pay rent, had to ask her parents to help her out, and now has no money for a shopping trip. She’s been shit talking Caroline because Caroline told Alex that she just needs to budget. Alex told me Caroline "just doesn’t understand what it’s like to be a real adult who pays their own bills" because Caroline "comes from money". I don’t know Caroline’s upbringing but Caroline once told me she moved back in with her dad after her lease ended and bought a used car to save money. I find it irritating that Alex is complaining when she had to same opportunities to make the decisions that Caroline made.
5. This past year, Alex went to get help for her mental health and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and got placed on medications. She had lots of issues with the medications (ineffective, side effects, etc.) and quit them all together. I tried to tell her that she wasn’t giving the meds enough time but she was adamant about it and stopped taking it.
I’m just tired of Alex. It *feels* like she has no accountability of her own actions in life. I’m not sure if this is part of her bipolar or not. She ignores my advice, constantly complains, and I want to cut her off from being my friend but I feel guilty because one time she had told me that she "felt like everyone keeps leaving me."
AITA if I just told her how I felt about the friendship? Am I being unnecessarily harsh and unsympathetic?
Just start slowly backing out of the friendship. She’s too needy and making bad decisions. If she calls you out on not being available/present, then kindly and carefully let her know you don’t have the bandwidth for her due to your ACTUAL family and friends. NTA
NTA. If you want to save this friendship in any capacity, then you better step back and build some boundaries for your own sake of mind. If she cannot take any advice, then you’ve done your duty as a friend. If she wants to drown herself it debt, don’t let her drag you down with her. Also, she doesn’t sound like a good person anyway
People can’t grow if they dont know. If you just ghost her she doesnt learn. Let her know everything youve said here and thats why your cutting back on your associations. She can either be an adult and work on the issues, or be the same and blame you. Either way, you’ve got your own to worry about.
Nta
NTA. Get firm with your time. You have taught her you are available any time, and you aren’t. Manage your phone time , and be firm about getting coffee only, get up from the table and leave. Encourage her to go back to a doctor and talk about side effects. She’s nit going to process the other things.
INFO: have you mentioned that these things upset you in the past? If you’ve explicitly established behavior upsetting you and it continues that’s different than her maybe just being oblivious. It still sounds like she needs help from someone other than you.