My dad has always been quite self centered and I have basically been designated as his therapist since my parents divorce when I was a kid.. Despite him being the one to leave, he didn’t handle it well and got into a horrific singular vehicle drunk driving accident when I was 11.
It was awful, but he managed to get himself together enough despite his injuries and start a semi-successful business. It was his entire life and his singular focus. All the while telling me constantly how it’s important he focuses everything on this to pay for my college. This business lasted for maybe 5 years before poor accounting and hiring practices (criminals on craigslist) caused it to fail. He did not save a dime of money when it was going well and has never had a savings account in his life. So, there was nothing to fall back on and obviously no college money.
Fast forward, it’s been 10 years of him couch hopping with different family members. The effects of his injuries are progressing and he has burned every bridge that was once available. He is currently living with the last bridge. He has not ever had a job of any kind in this time and still is determined to build back that business, because of his pride. I cannot get him to get on very necessary government resources, because of his pride. He’s told me I should understand him not helping pay for my upbringing and college like he promised, because his dreams are most important.
I am still playing therapist and still anything going on in my life is not of interest to him. I cannot go a week without talking to him without him flipping out on me about how I am “just like everyone else”. He is constantly asking for money and to move in. I do not have the resources to be funding the life of someone who can’t help himself not because he is unable yet but because he won’t before it gets to that point.
I work full time plus a lot of overtime and cannot do a 3 hour phone call at 10pm on a Tuesday every week. I live several hours away now in a rented one bedroom apartment, so I cannot let him live with me. Not that I feel that it is safe to do so with his anger issues.
I have finally gotten myself into a stable enough position where I can’t afford to do a couple of courses a semester to start working towards a degree. I was recently accepted into college and he did not care at all about this news. Actually changed the subject immediately.
I am having to save and cut back anywhere I can to afford this, and now he’s begging me to pay for him to move out somewhere. Am I the asshole for not giving him more money? For not jeopardizing my living situation, my 2 year marriage, and a shot to finally get a degree and progress into a career?
I feel crazy with guilt, because I like to think of myself as a person who will help family when they need it. But all I want is for this burden to go away and I feel awful for it. Am I an asshole? Am I reasonable? I don’t know.
NTA and make sure you dont tell him where you live so he cant just show up one day and force his way in!
Its time you cut contact with him and focussed on yourself and bettering your own life.
He sounds like a total narcisist in my opinion
NTA he will bleed you dry and then blame you
NTA, I have one like this. Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person it just makes you not his parent. And you aren’t his parent he is yours. This isn’t a healthy dynamic so stop letting the phone calls go that long and don’t give him any money or leeway to move in
You are the NTA, but he certainly is. His dreams are not more important than yours. He is not a Father. He is a soul sucker. Don’t let him drag you down with him.
NTA – but also:
INFO: Can you note any standout dad-things your dad did that were positive? Went to all your school events despite the time, played a bunch of ball with you as a kid, helped you move into a place, gave you a lift – anything?
Conversely, did he actually successfully provide parenting to you? Your summary reads as if he never had time (or interest) for you – is that the case?
Because, uh… wouldn’t that mean that this family member you’re worrying about being there for, refused to be there for you?
NTA, you should consider NC. He sounds toxic. He doesn’t sound like he will change. It sounds has led you on with failed promises your whole life, and likely still owes back child support. I am so sorry that he isnt what you keep hoping a Dad will be. Please dont let him use you
NTA. Stop being his doormat.
“No” is a full sentence.
Cutting contact is the best option. Don’t talk to him, don’t answer the phone, just don’t.
You are the daughter, it was his duty to provide for YOU not the other way around. His failure to do so is your cue to stop letting him doing this to you.
You have a family, a degree you’re working on.
Your father is a grown man, it is NOT your responsibility to provide for him.
He made his bed – it’s on him to lie in it.
NTA your father sounds exhausting stop being his therapist if he wants a therapist he needs to pay for one. You said he told you “I should understand him not helping pay for my upbringing and college like he promised, because his dreams are most important.”
Then I would be saying the same back to him that you now need to concentrate your dreams and unfortunately they don’t include helping him achieve his. You don’t need to go completely no contact if that’s not what you want but let him know what sort of relationship you want with him and it could just be the odd phone call but you need to protect your relationship and your future.
NTA. He is a leech that will suck as much as he can out of anyone. People like that will try and guilt trip, and play victim if they don’t get their own way. You have to put your foot down and stop giving him money, while not letting him move in. Focus on building your life with your partner.
NTA
As you have stated, he has refused government help and treated people so badly that they won’t let him live with them. He chooses to behave like he does, that is his choice. As it is your choice to not put up with his rants, whining and begging.
When he calls, tell him you only have 30 min to talk then you are hanging up. Stick to it. Tell him that you can’t afford to house or send him money, you don’t need to tell him why, he doesn’t need to know.
Look up Grey Rock communication. Go low contact. Quit feeling guilty over his choices in life. You didn’t make him do anything. You are not responsible for where he is in life, only he is.
Look for therapy to unpack why you feel how you do about the situation he put himself in.
Don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
NTA.
Gotta fall back on a cliche that is cliche because it’s true: you should never light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. And that’s true even when they are wonderful, loving, supportive people, which your dad is not.
Your dad is demanding you give him money at a time when it will cause you a significant setback. He’s demanding you give him money when there are other resources available to him that he’s refusing to use.
Why is taking money from his struggling child acceptable, but taking money from the government hurts his widdle fee-fees?
When someone has torched all of their other relationships and burned all of their bridges, you can pretty safely conclude that the common denominator is the problem: themself. Not you.
Mine telling me he agreed with the current immigration policies was the last straw for me and I’ve been less stressed about him since then.
I went no contact, and honestly it sounds like you should too. He sounds like he is literally attempting to ruin your life after he ruined his. It’s hard to get back on your feet when you have no resources, but he’s also actively refusing them. You can’t fix his life. He’s your parent. If anything he’s supposed to fix yours and he’s just making it harder and emotionally exhausting by making you worry about him because for whatever reason we care about them even when they’re utter shit. They’re like drug addicts though. They won’t get better unless it’s something they want. And until then, he’d only drag you down with him. NTA
STOP. Do nothing for him. It’s probably best if you go no contact with him. I am sorry but he is not a good person and you owe him nothing.
You must never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Please put yourself first. Do not let him continue to suck the life from you. Please.
I wish you all the best.
Edit* Sorry NTAH