I 24f have this thing where I don’t like to lay on my bed with "outside" clothes or wear shoes that have been outside in my room. I don’t know why I do this, but it’s been a thing for a while. "Outside"clothes to me mean it’s the outfit you wear to work, run errands, etc just anything outside of the house. I have told my family time and time again that I don’t like to have people lay down on my bed with outside clothes or walk in with shoes. Thankfully they have listened to the shoe part…sometimes.
They have always pushed it off as me being too picky and particular. That I don’t need to worry about small things like that. But to me I genuinely hate laying in my own bed with outside clothes and shoes inside my room. My dad comes in and takes of his shoes but then proceeds to lay on my bed because my cat was there. He wanted to hang out with the cat and I simply mentioned "can you not lay on my bed please". To him he took it as me yelling and insulting him that he is considered dirty. I did not say anything close to that and did not raise my voice at all. I simply just stated that I did not like him laying on my bed with "outside" clothes. I didn’t mean to come off as disrespectful or mean. It’s just I feel so annoyed having to tell him almost every single time. I have explained why I don’t appreciate it and I get hit with "It’s not a big deal" or "it’s just clothes get over it".
So am I the asshole for telling my dad not lay on my bed?
NTA.
It’s your bed and your personal space, full stop. Stop explaining or defending it and just repeat the boundary calmly, because the more you justify it the more they treat it like a debate instead of a rule. Your bed is your personal space, and you are allowed to have rules about it even if other people do not share or understand them.
NTA, but remember this someday when you have a kid and you do something they can’t stand and they take that exact tone with you lol
I would hope that my kid feels comfortable enough to set reasonable boundaries with me or anyone else. I think that would be an excellent sign of my parenting.
What tone? Kind and respectful with please despite the adult violating a very reasonable boundary? I would hope OP’s kid, or any kid, has the ability to stand up to rude behaviours by any adult in their lives
NTA. It sounds like you are requesting they respect a boundary, which they aren’t doing.
Whether or not they agree with your feelings about outside clothes, you have to right to express what you feel comfortable with, and that should be respected particularly in your own room.
Are they like this with other boundaries?
You’re brought into this world without a choice, then everyone around you intrudes and violates your boundaries. I feel that.
You’re definitely not the asshole here. It’s your bed, and you’ve made it clear you don’t like people laying on it with outside clothes. You’ve explained your reasoning, so your dad should respect that. It’s not like you were being rude or yelling, just asking him not to do something that bothers you.
NTA your bed your rules. In the meantime maybe you can put a blanket over the top of your bed during the day? Just to give yourself some peace of mind
NTA…
that should NOT be a hard rule to follow. i have the same rules but 10x more strict & a bit more unique, and when people bring the outside grossness onto my bed, it feels AWFUL. especially considering you’re paying rent, you deserve to be respected.
NTA. It’s your room. It’s your bed. That alone settles most of this. Also, this isn’t some wild, irrational rule. A lot of people have a clear mental (and hygiene) boundary between “outside” and “inside” clothes. There’s actual science behind why that feels reasonable. Studies have found bacteria like E.coli,Staphylococcus, and other microbes on clothing after a normal day out.
Public seating (restaurants, waiting rooms, public transit) can carry germs from hundreds of people.
Shoes track in dirt, pesticides, fecal bacteria, and other contaminants from sidewalks and restrooms.
During COVID, public health guidance specifically emphasized that respiratory droplets and contaminated surfaces can contribute to spread. While clothing isn’t the primary transmission route, it *can* carry droplets.
Hospitals and labs require strict clothing and contamination protocols for a reason fabrics absolutely pick things up.
Is every pair of “outside clothes” a biohazard? No. But it’s not crazy to want your bed the place where you sleep, rest, and put your face for 8 hours to feel clean. The bigger issue isn’t hygiene. It’s boundaries. You didn’t call him dirty. You didn’t yell. You made a simple request about your personal space.
When someone says, “It’s not a big deal,” what they usually mean is, “It’s not a big deal *to me*.” But it doesn’t have to be a big deal to him for it to matter to you.
Your bed is an intimate, personal space. Wanting it treated a certain way isn’t disrespectful especially when you’ve explained it multiple times. If anything, the only problem here is that he keeps minimizing a boundary you’ve clearly and calmly stated.
NTA. They don’t have to agree with or understand why you feel this way about outside clothes, all they have to do is afford you basic respect and they can’t even do that. It’s your bed, if they want to lay in a bed with outside clothes on they are free do it in their own space, not yours.
If they visited a shoes-off household would they just walk in with their shoes on and tell the home owner “it’s not a big deal” or “it’s just shoes, get over it”?
I think it’s weird that this occurs often enough for you to have an issue with your dad laying on your bed. My dad has only ever sat on my bed when I’ve been in physical pain and he was helping me sit up or comforting me. That being said, you are 24 and if your parents aren’t respecting your reasonable boundaries, it’s time to start looking for an apartment.
NTA but I suggest having a “daytime blanket” that covers your bed during the day where you and others can lay on the bed in outside clothes. Then at night the blanket comes off and the bed remains untouched. In the morning, blanket goes back on top
Our house has hardwood floors and we’ve taken our shoes off for over 30 years, to not trek the dirt in from outside. We visited someone recently and hubs & I and our 29 year old son all automatically took our shoes off to walk in their house that had beautiful hardwood floors.
I personally don’t worry about sitting on my bed with outside clothes, but if my son or daughter had asked me to not lay on their bed, I never would. Actually, when I read the title I couldn’t understand why anyone other than you was laying on your bed! I could slightly see wanting to pet the cat, but if you have asked your parents to not lay on your bed, they shouldn’t. You’re NTA.