Hi, I’m 31 years old going on 32, I used to have a close relationship with an old family friend. She’s in her late 40s early 50s will call her T. I haven’t spoken to her in a few years we used to send holiday greetings via text message every once in a while and slowly lost touch. We’re still friends on Facebook and Instagram and we’re both devout Catholics. I made a religious post on my story and she liked it then she started DMing me about our religion and telling me I shouldn’t wait to find a husband and have kids like she did. A bit of backstory for her is she waited till 37 and she always struggled with finding the right guy until she met her now husband. When she was telling me to find a good man and settle down, I agreed with her. However, I have severe ADHD and don’t always think before speaking. When I told her I’m trying to find the right person and despite how desperately I want a child, I refuse to have one out of wedlock. She immediately stopped responding to my messages for a couple hours. I know she’s a busy mom and wife with three kids however I started overthinking and panicking like I always do assuming I offended her. I told my mom what my last message was and she told me that T had her first born out of wedlock. A few minutes later, she liked my message and never responded again. I haven’t sent another message because I feel so apologetic and awkward mentioning it. It was not intentional, but I feel like I might have offended her. Am I the asshole?
>”out of wedlock”
lolzes
It’s time to join the 21st century, when women don’t need a husband in order to have a child; nor do they all necessarily want one.
Your religious beliefs don’t give you licence to be rude or an asshole, and yet – YTA.
Bit like telling a person to get a move on?
She just said what her views are while responding to a message about husbands and children.
Embarrassing and could be taken wrong way? Yes. But not rude or her being an asshole.
YTA – Contrary to popular belief, some things are better left unsaid.
“I said something rude and offensive to a “friend” and clearly disrespected their life choices, but God told me it’s fine.” YTA
You’re fine. It’s not like your friend is the only person to ever do this.
She told you to not take too long with husband and child and you responded with your own views.
If anything, her saying get a move on was equally as “rude”
YTA. Using the word wedlock specifically is very much weird and made her felt it was personal. Regardless of your intention or beliefs, what you said was hurtful. If you feel guilty, go apologize. Simply saying “I’m more comfortable having a child when I’m married” or “I’m saving for marriage” are much more inoffensive. Putting religion outside, specifically using the word wedlock is honestly outdated, stupid and made misogynisticly to shame women like your friend. You wouldn’t like it if you or your child was shamed, possibly bullied, having offensive remarks thrown at you everyday and possibly even get killed over it would you?
YTA.
You’re absolutely valid for wanting marriage before kids. That’s your personal boundary, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But context matters. You were talking to someone who had her first child out of wedlock, and even if you didn’t explicitly judge her, saying you’d “refuse” to do that can easily come across as moral commentary.
Intent doesn’t cancel impact. If you’re discussing values with someone whose life didn’t follow that path, you need a little more tact. It’s not about abandoning your beliefs, it’s about being aware of who you’re speaking to and how it might land.
You didn’t mean harm, but it was still insensitive. A simple apology acknowledging that it may have come across as judgmental would go a long way.
Eh, I’m an atheist and don’t think what you said was that bad. You didn’t say it with the express purpose to hurt her. You merely stated what your hopes and values for having a child were.
Nta
YTA and religion is no longer an acceptable excuse to be one.
NAH – you have the SAME religion. She may have taken your personal preference as an attack, but who knows? It’s your preference. Could you have said it more kindly? Yeah, but no one is perfect. You can always message again and apologize. She essentially encouraged you do get a husband and have kids, so if she’s offended I don’t understand how. She’d be offended for you taking her advice? 🤔
“ haven’t sent another message because I feel so apologetic and awkward mentioning it.”
YTA for feeling apologetic but never actually apologizing.
This! Why has no-one else picked up on this point?!
Foot in mouth happens, especially when you’re ND. Not apologising for it when you’ve been told it was hurtful is what makes you an AH.
Sorry, the Y T As are bonkers. She clearly understood that you want to have a child with a husband, otherwise, *why would she be pushing you to find one*? Besides, there are perfectly good non-religious reasons to wait until marriage – see how many BORU and RA posts have “getting pregnant with a bf/gf” as their origin story. And even if the reason is purely religious, she’s Catholic too! So the cognitive dissonance is entirely her problem.
NTA
It’s crazy to me people are saying YTA here. (And I’m pretty much one of the most anti-religion people you’ll meet).
But stating what YOU are willing to do isn’t and shouldn’t be a dig at her.
I refuse to eat octopus. Does that mean I’m being an ashsole to everyone who does eat octopus?