A while ago, I was having a gathering with friends on my birthday. I had just suffered a TBI and a broken wrist, so I couldn’t do too much, but still wanted to see my friends. I ended up hanging out with my friends Lilac, Mark, and Red (those aren’t their real names). I’d been friends with Lilac for 2 years, Mark for 1, and Red for 3.
This was the first time Lilac and Mark (they’re dating btw) had really hung out with Red, but they seemed to be getting along. We got pizza and played some games. At one point, Red’s ex Aza (that’s not her name) got brought up somehow, because Mark went to school with her or something. She was horrible to Red after the breakup, and made up a terrible rumour about him that ruined his reputation in our small town for a while.
Aza’s mom had passed about two years prior, and that got woven into the conversation. I then mentioned how Red had made a joke once about how she was like Bambi because her mom died. He and I are both the kinds of people to make jokes in uncomfortable moments. We think the event is horrible and tragic obviously, but tend to make light of things.
I didn’t think anything of it until the next day, I got a paragraph from Lilac saying how she felt like Red disrespected her and Mark and was shocked that Red and I were making a joke about Aza’s dead mom. She said it was immature to think it’s funny to joke about another person’s tragedy. I said "Oh, okay. I’m sorry. We won’t joke about that kind of stuff around you guys in the future. We tend to use dark humour to take the edge off of serious stuff because serious stuff makes us both pretty uncomfortable."
She responded by saying "I don’t know how you both could joke about it even just the two of you. I would never joke about something so tragic. That isn’t dark humour. It’s just immature. I don’t understand how you could find someone’s pain and tragedy funny. Even if you never say anything like that around me again, my trust is hurt knowing you’ve done it at all."
I said, "I don’t find her pain funny. The event itself is horrible. I find the absurdity of a Bambi joke to be funny, like the ridiculousness of it. Do I actually think it’s funny that her mom died? Of course not. I’m sorry we made you uncomfortable though. I’m not quite sure what else to say, since it’s done and I won’t stop making jokes to take the edge off things on my own. It’s the way I cope with serious stuff. I make jokes about my trauma and tragedy as well all the time and so does Red."
She said it didn’t make sense and I couldn’t justify it, and while I tried to reiterate that in no world would I find tragedy and pain funny, she wouldn’t listen, and has since ghosted me and refuses to talk to me.
AITA?
YTA
Yes, you bot u are the AH
Uh….YTA. joking about someone’s dead mom is trash
Yeah this sounds like a classic case where different people just have completely different ways to handle uncomfortable stuff. Dark humor is pretty normal way to cope for some people – you weren’t making fun of the pain itself but more like the weird absurdity around it
Lilac sounds like she took it very personally though. Maybe she has some history with loss that makes jokes like this hit different for her? Either way, ghosting you over this seems bit extreme when you already apologized and explained your perspective. You weren’t being malicious about it
The fact that she said her “trust is hurt” makes me think there’s maybe something deeper going on with her reaction
Dark humor is one of my primary coping mechanisms. You can laugh or you can cry, and I’d rather laugh. My view of dark humor is I’m good to make jokes about traumatic events in my life. And with a few exceptions, that includes things I know my friends have also dealt with.
But unless I’m damn positive they won’t mind (and to me that means I asked them when things were ok and they said they’re good with it) I’d never joke about something they’ve had to deal with but I haven’t.
Are YTA? Probably. But my friends and I share a similar sense of humor.
Rule of thumb you don’t ever make “jokes” about someone’s family member who has passed irregardless of how you yourself cope.
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Yta but only slightly.
Not you r mother, not your joke to make personally. But I’d accept it at “won’t say it around ypu again”. That being said, i do agree that I do find jokes about other people’s issues to be Ah-ish mostly because it’s less funny coming from someone whose life is easy (imo, idk you obvs but from what I assume you dont have a dead mother) and clearly me and this girl agree about not joking about it.
But unlike her I’m not going to break your door down and seek you out in your private moments to check what jokes you’re making lmaoo, maybe just limit hanging around her?
That’s not a sense of humor. That a personality flaw. You should find better ways to cope with uncomfortable things.
Silence is actually a choice you could make. Better than sounding like an insensitive human about someone’s dead parent.
Changing the subject abruptly is also a choice. It feels odd for a moment and then rolls on.
Acknowledging the uncomfortable is also something you could do. It’s awkward but gets it out and done with.
It’s also ok to not know exactly what to say and circle back to the silent option.
YTA
YTA. Without even reading the specifics; the title tells me all I need to know. DON’T EVER JOKE ABOUT SOMEONE’S DEAD MOTHER OR FATHER. EVER.
YTA – the only time it’s appropriate to make a joke about dead relatives is when the bereaved person specifically says it’s okay.
I love dark humor personally but I try to go by the rule that if you haven’t experienced it don’t make jokes about it. That being said I don’t think there’s really ever a good time to joke about someone’s dead loved one unless you are commiserating with them because you’re going through it as well.
So, I’m gonna say YTA, but with grace because you sound young so maybe you’re still sorting out the dark humor time and place thing.
First of all, I’m really more concerned with how AZA feels than Lila feels. Lila needs to calm down. Saying “that was in poor taste” is fine, but a whole lecture is a bit much.
Second-making dead parent jokes is generally reserved for people with dead parents. I mean, I think the joke is kind of funny, but I have a dead mom. I wouldn’t really be offended if my stepsister (who has a dead dad) made that joke about me, but I wouldn’t find it quite as funny coming from my friend.
Essentially, dead parent jokes are a special section of dark humor. It’s more like grave humor. And since it has so much emotion attached to it, you should to be careful if you aren’t in the dead parent club.
Basically,
1. You should take your cue from Aza. If she doesn’t make dead mom jokes, then you shouldn’t either. She may not be ready for them yet. And even if she does make them, she may not be ready for other people to make them. Keep it low key.
2. You need to check in with Aza, not Lila to see if your joke warrants an apology.
3. Lila needs to remember that what’s a tradgedy to her, is reality to Aza. It’s a fact of life that she has to live with every day for the rest of her life. Walking on eggshells, overly pitying her, and making it a huge emotional thing may be just as painful as jokes. Aza needs the space to process her reality however she wants. Sometimes that means tears, sometimes that means happy memories, sometimes that means jokes.
Side note: I realized on rereading the post that Aza was not actually there for this conversation, but I am leaving my comment regardless.