For context, my (28) partner (30) is off of work this week from a very stressful job. Typically, I wash about 80% of our dishes because they work more hours than me and I do it as an act of love so they can have more time to do hobbies/self care/time with friends + time with me.
I want them to relax on their week off this week, but I’m still working and felt like it was reasonable to not resume all my household functioning for us at my typical pace, so I could also spend some extra time being cozy with them.
Today, we got up and had breakfast together and then I left for work at 10am and got back around 2pm. Before I left, they said they would do the dishes and get our dog outside and work on their music today, unsure of the order. I got back, and they had taken our dog out for a frisbee toss and worked on their music. They said they were on a roll so they kept working on their music for another hour or so. Then we both started cleaning (other house stuff because we are hosting a 15 person gathering tomorrow evening). I had a class that I had to go to tonight feom 6-8:30, and worked on cleaning between 3-5:50pm to leave for my class. My partner cleaned from around 3-5pm so they could go to an hour yoga class. They apologized for the dishes when they left for yoga and I said no big deal, they can do it when they get back.
Once getting home from my class around 8:45pm, I expected the dishes to be cleaned/mostly cleaned because my partner would have been home from their yoga class for around 2 hours by that point. Instead, they were laying in bed and the kitchen was an untouched disaster.
I expressed some frustration that they had been saying (at least three times) since this morning that they would do the dishes yet still hadn’t started by 9pm. They also had said they would vacuum the stairs all day, but pushed that to tomorrow. They were super defensive with me saying that they were getting started on the dishes now and they expressed that is was incredibly rude of me to have a conversation about my disappointment about the kitchen being a disaster while they were actively cleaning it. I truly felt so turned around and confused because maybe I am an asshole for critiquing the time they are doing the dishes. I have an early day in the morning, so if we wanted together cuddly tv show time together, we won’t have that anymore because they are doing dishes right now instead of that February activity we have been doing together to slow down. I also prefer the kitchen sink to not build up soooooo much that it overflows into most counters in the entire kitchen. If they had cleaned the kitchen when they originally said they would, this morning or afternoon, I could have been cleaning my dishes as I used them throughout the day and we wouldn’t have a kitchen completely covered in dishes.
I have multiple plans in my day tomorrow and I’m the one cooking for the gathering we are hosting.
AITA for being annoyed at the 9pm dish cleaning?
Female female relationship, right?
what relevance? one or both may be nonbinary if not male as well
They didn’t do the dishes because they didn’t want to. They snapped at you because they still didn’t want to do the dishes. You always doing them means they expect you to do them. Don’t make chores about love languages. Make them a fair trade where everything gets done equitably. And remember you didn’t get that cuddle time because they didn’t prioritize that time. Their music was their priority. NTA
NTA- but it’s all in the way you communicate. A healthy relationship is one where you can come in and calmly express being frustrated and the impact it had on you and they apologize and explain the day got away from them and then you give them grace and you both move on and do the dishes before you need to get ready for dinner.
Unless this is habitual, it’s not a life altering event. Shit happens. Sometimes you fail to follow through even with the best intentions. You’re going to have to make room for that. At the same time your partner has to make room for the impact the failure to follow through causes and try to rectify it.
I’ll never understand why people think it’s normal to have a huge fucking pile of dishes to do every day. It is really not at all difficult to rinse things as you go and during down time in cooking, then finish rinsing and putting in dishwasher after you eat. 5 minutes tops. Leaving it to pile up is not only gross but also makes it a massive chore for someone to dread.
Leave nothing dirty in the sink. The sink should be empty. The only time shit even needs to soak is when it’s been left sitting too long already, fresh food comes right off the dishes and cookware if you get to it right away.
Anyway — NTA, but if you can change the way you both look at dishes you can avoid this ever happening again.
Genuinely! My dishes from cooking get cleaned before I eat. Everything else immediately after. Every time. There simply are no dishes. I cannot fathom letting a dish mountain pile up. It would drive me up the wall.
YTA. They spent 2 full hours cleaning today! I don’t even understand how you can need that much cleaning- i don’t think me and my partner have ever done that except when we were moving.
I don’t think it’s remotely reasonable to expect them to do 2 hours of cleaning + dishes + vacuuming stairs in a single day on a week that’s supposed to be helping them recover from burnout.
I also did 3.5 hours of cleaning today and work and class
NAH, your side is understandable as to why you’re upset, but considering this is their time off from a stressful job and they did do other cleaning and also had a full day of other things, i think there is room for grace. but yes, it’s upsetting that now they are doing them when you could be cuddling. i think maybe some communication on expectations and a reminder of ‘if you get this done before x time we can still cuddle and spend time together.’ just better communication and maybe some grace if this isn’t a recurring problem, but, to me, no one is really the asshole here.
NTA if the kitchen was covered in dishes and genuinely not usable to cook or do other stuff in. Probably still NTA even if it wasn’t that bad tbh, but I also don’t think one day of not doing a chore is a huge deal if it can be dealt with tomorrow. As long as you didn’t actually yell at them or whatever, and just expressed frustration at it, then NTA.
NTA, but it would be better to not complain about the kitchen while he’s cleaning it.