Hello! I (26F) just recently had to euthanize my dog yesterday. It was hard, he was old and I had him since he was a puppy. I’ve been distraught. This Saturday we have a family dinner planned that’s been on the books for over a month and we don’t get to see each other that often. I’d be stoked to go except my sister (35F) is insistent on bringing her dog. She just recently got the pup back in January. He’s cute and great don’t get me wrong, and the original plan was for him to go anyways but after what happened I can’t bring myself to go to dinner.
I feel bad because we I haven’t seen some of my family in a long time and it would be nice to have additional support during this time. I thought about asking my sister to leave the puppy at home, but unfortunately I think she is projecting her lack of children onto this dog and gets very emotional about the topic. I just think it would cause drama that I can’t handle while grieving. Additionally she’s been posting and sending me pictures of the dog even though she knows what I’m going through and I find it super insensitive. Additionally, my sister and family will guilt trip me for cancelling unless I have a good reason – planning to just tell them I’m under the weather and turning my phone off.
WIBTA for cancelling? I can’t tell if i’m overly emotional from grief or if she really is being insensitive. TIA!
YTA-you need to communicate, and your lack of it makes you responsible.
nta. your family likely won’t understand but if puppies are a trigger for you right now there’s nothing wrong with avoiding that situation.
though you could probably do a better job communicating with your family as to why, rather than expecting them to correctly interpret exactly what headspace you’re in right now
It’s okay to dip out. You deserve to grieve in peace.
NTA. Are you “overly emotional” right now? Maybe. I would could it as the right amount of emotional. You certainly aren’t an AH about it. She would be the AH if she insisted right now.
YTA
Your sisters dog is as important to her as yours was to you.
You absolutely have the choice to not attend because you’re grieving but you don’t have a right to ask your sister not to bring her animal when it was already pre planned. It’s definitely an AH move to attribute your sisters love for her dog as “projecting” because she can’t have children. This is a massive double standard that it was okay for you to love your dog but then crap on her for doing the same thing.
NAH. You’re grieving. You are certainly overly sensitized to what your sister is sharing, given the source of your grief. You are also perfectly valid in your desire to not see a cute puppy right now, at the dinner or on your phone. That’s not overly emotional. It’s where your emotions are right now, and that’s human and valid.
If you haven’t already, it’s time to tell your sister that you need a break from dog things for a while. I always like to say a season, because it’s a vague but also significant period of time. If she can’t respect that, she becomes the A-hole, but based on your post, I don’t think you’ve really explained it to her yet. You do need to explain it to her, directly and without sugarcoating it. She probably thinks she’s being helpful, sharing cute dog stuff while you grieve your dog.
You don’t get to tell her what she can and cannot post though, OP. That’s an overreach. Ask her to stop sending you things directly. Maybe mute her on social media for a bit.
You could ask your sister to leave her dog behind for this event. It’s a one-time thing. You’re grieving and want the family support without the triggering presence. That’s a valid thing, OP. It’s a perfectly legitimate thing to say. Unfortunately, you can’t obligate it. You can put some pressure on if you can get a parent or another sibling to back you up on it, but still, it will be up to her in the end.
There is a lean towards A-holery with your projection onto your sister about how she feels about her dog. And it is projection, OP. You wouldn’t be grieving the way you are if you didn’t care for your dog in similar ways and levels, even if the actual expressions are different. She needs her dog to be there emotionally, while you need the dog to be absent due to your dog’s absence. They are competing and mutually exclusive needs. Your sister might be able to compromise on leaving the dog at home, this time, since absence isn’t something you could compromise on, but the feelings for the dogs are equivalent, present and absent, and it would be edging towards cruel to insist she miss out on her dog because you have to miss out on yours.
You have my internet-stranger permission to lie about why you aren’t going to this particular gathering, if you don’t want the drama of asking your sister to leave her dog at home. Clean conscience and all. Do a little healing.
Kinda a difficult one. YTA if you ask your sister to not bring her dog, but you’re also NTA if you decide not go bc of the doing being there
NTA, It’s too soon for you and that’s ok. But personally I wouldn’t cancel, I would be honest and say “I really want to see the fam but I’m having a really hard time right now and need some accommodation.” She can leave her dog home one time. If she complains, Tell her she’s been very insensitive so you don’t really have to worry about her feelings because she’s certainly not worried about yours and she made that very clear. If she can’t be understanding and your parents are in her side, and no one seems to take your feelings into consideration; Don’t go. But definitely be honest and speak your truth. Lying and not setting proper boundaries will never help correct the behavior. You’ll just find yourself in a similar situation again where you’re continually forced to betray yourself.
Thank you. My family never really let me bring my dog around because he was bigger and his breed has a bad rap (retriever/pit mix). He was the most gentle and kind creature though, never barked or begged just kind of laid down and loved to cuddle. My sister got a smaller dog and now everything we do is dog friendly.
Nta… My dog died very unexpectedly on Christmas Day and it’s extremely heartbreaking for me to be around any other dogs right now. I’m just overwhelmingly sad that my sweet Lu is gone. It’s okay to not go… you don’t have to necessarily lie either. You can just tell them you’re not feeling up to dinner but you hope to get together soon. After the dinner, perhaps you can also mention to your sister that you think her pup is adorable, but you’d like to take a pause on receiving pics of them daily as it’s hurting your heart.
I went to a store the other day and my sister pointed out someone else’s dog. I didn’t look, because again it makes me sad. She then went over and pet it and I continued on minding my business. Then she came back and told me about the dog and how much it was like mine and how she didn’t show me the dog to save my feelings. Obviously, it still hurt and I was upset but we just moved on with our shopping day because I knew emotionally I couldn’t handle any more chat about dogs.
i’m so sorry for your loss. it’s hard but the grief shows just how much we loved them.
NTA. If you’re not up to don’t go.
YTA
Sorry but life doesn’t stop just because your dog died. You are getting upset by your sister sending you pics etc but have you actually said you don’t want her to? She isn’t beng insensitive, the plan was to bring her dog why should that change now? Grief is hard but you have to continue on with life. Nobody is out to get you, they aren’t doing this to hurt you. You could cancel but you will still have to face that puppy at the next family dinner and it might bring up all the feelings you are having right now. You did the right thing for your dog, it’s wonderful as a dog owner that you can allow them the relief of death when they can’t have a happy healthy life anymore. Maybe meeting this puppy will be hell on earth but maybe you’ll be lucky enough that he brings back happy memories of your own dog and you can get some relief knowing you did the absolute best for your dog and you let him go when he needed to go.