Hubby & I have been married for over 30 years and for the most part I’ve done the majority of the housework. When kids were in the house, we all had chores. Now that they are gone, everything has fallen on me. Even mowing the grass. I didn’t mind it because up until the beginning of 2026, I worked a lot from home and could keep up with everything. Now, I’m in the office 5 days a week just like him. He still assumes that I’m gonna take care of everything. He claims he doesn’t hear the washer/dryer going off (even though it’s about 10 feet from his recliner). Tonight I pulled a small load out of the dryer that were all his clothes and slid the basket right beside his recliner. He had to step over it to go to the bedroom. I asked him if he folded his clothes and he claimed he didn’t see it. Thats impossible. WIBTA if I left the basket right where it is to show him that he lied about seeing it when he gets up in the morning?
imagine how much we’d thrive if we didnt constantly settle for incompetence
NTA
That is weaponized incompetence.
I’ve been married almost as long as you and have done similar roles. My husband works outside the home so I take care of most of the household stuff. It works for our family dynamic.
However when he is home, he helps do stuff. Assistance means that chores get done faster and we have more free time together.
Since you are both working now, he needs to step up.
You should divorce this man because he clearly doesn’t care about you and takes advantage of you by making his life easier at your expense. You’ll do a lot less work when you don’t have to do his as well.
NTA For god’s sake, stop doing his laundry! Tell him he is a grown up and can wash and fold his own clothes, you have enough to do. Then stick to it.
Time to have a convo with him about doing his part. The duties should be shared.
100% to all of this. Why does he ever have clean clothes if he’s going to behave like this?
But the first step is to call him on his bullshit. “I’ve tried to subtly suggest that you could actually pull your weight around the house, but the fact that you stepped over the laundry basket shows that you’re determined to be lazy and a bad husband. So I’m done looking after you like you’re a little baby – until you can prove that you can be a decent partner, I’m not doing a single thing for you. Enjoy cooking your meals and doing your own laundry and taking care of yourself. And if you can’t manage to be a decent partner in a pretty short period of time, I just may end up speaking with a lawyer.”
YWNBTA but I doubt you will accomplish anything. Subtlety never works with people who are deliberately oblivious.
Seems like it would be more productive to just put your foot down and tell him you are going to stop doing everything.
Stop doing all his chores. Stop washing his clothes. Stop cooking for him. Demand he take care of himself. YWNBTA unless you keep putting up with his shit then you’ll be onto yourself
NTA. Weaponized incompetence. Leave it where it is.
NTA but seriously woman, what does he add to your life? Imagine how peaceful and pretty your own place could be without an additional grown dependent adding chores and mess to it.
NTA and after 30 years, kids are gone, how cool would it be for you to live YOUR OWN LIFE and not have anyone else to take care of but yourself?
Hes played this game before, and won every time before so now he knows it works. Weponised incompetence is a vicious beast if you dont know what to look for.
Until you change something nothing will change.
If you haven’t already, sit down and have a blunt conversation. Lay it out like you would for a child.
If you want to continue living your life this way stay exactly where you are. If you want change you have to be willing to have uncomfortable conversations with clear consequences. Then hold them.
You deserve better op.
Darlin it’s long past time for to stop doing his laundry! Just do yours. Time for some hard realities.
‘Honey, now that the kids have moved out and I’m back to working in the office we will need to revisit the household chore allocation. I’ve started a list of tasks so have a look and add anything I’ve forgotten. We can review and equitably reassign tasks for moving forward on Saturday before we head out for brunch.’
Learned helplessness meets weaponised incompetence meets contempt = your husband’s attitude towards you and the home you share.
Are you sure you want to stay married to someone like that?