Hey, I think ITA in this situation because I hurt someone unintentionally. I’m 45/m and have been in the fandom since 2019.
I am an admin for a local furry chat for 3 years. In my time, I helped provide structure, making the group a more enjoyable space. We have two sets of chats, SFW and NSFW.
Recently, I discussed creating a marketing guideline template for members who are granted permission to do so. The idea is to show we admins communicate with each other and keep things consistent. One admin (that I’m no longer friends with for over two years) complained that I’m being too corporate and causing members to leave, although our member count has increased.
One member who is an adult, wasn’t active for some time, decided in the SFW chat that she wants to be more social. I was happy she was going to be active again. We are not close, but I never had an issue with her.
Her next message was asking who are all stoners. Since this chat is mixed with adults and minors (as young as 12). I felt this conversation can go in a negative direction. I then DM’d her “I know you want to be social, but could you move the conversation to the NSFW chat.” The conversation had some responses, and I asked in the chat “could you please move the conversation to the NSFW chat.” The conversation ended, so I deleted the stoner stuff and left her first message wanting to be social.
If it was done, in the NSFW chat, they can go hard with that conversation.
The admins were very upset with me for not consulting with them first before performing an action. I didn’t think asking to shift that conversation to the appropriate chat was a big deal. They also thought talking about cannabis is fine as it’s legal here. They also said we advertise bar meets, so why was this an issue? Going to a bar is an event and not everyone goes to the bar to drink. Asking who enjoys cannabis is more personal and can give information that could be harmful to minors. I wouldn’t allow someone to ask who’d be a drinking buddy in that chat either.
The person who asked that question was more emotional than I realized. I got blamed for her being upset over my request and made her feel unwelcome. I’ve been made aware that some admins want my role suspended over this, but the chat owner refused to do this as he agrees that this wasn’t the appropriate chat to have that conversation, but won’t admit it to the group.
I can understand the admins being upset with me for not discussing a situation I’m concerned with first. After this situation, I have told the admins that I want to work as a team and make decisions together. I feel that saying I’m sorry for what happened is going to keep everyone upset and prevent us from moving forward.
I feel horrible for making someone feel unwelcome and giving the admins extra work to deal with.
Friends who know what happened, thought I did the right thing and I’m not responsible for the person’s feelings for asking a reasonable request without being rude.
NTA
The situation blew up, but your instinct that the marijuana topic was NSFW is certainly reasonable. According to a quick search both alcohol and marijuana are usually considered NSFW.
It is also standard for admins to act in the moment independently, rather than needing permission for timely action.
Go back and discuss standards for the community and try to keep things transparent. You certainly weren’t picking on her, you were doing your role in the manner you understood it. People shouldn’t be offended for being asked to consider whether their conversation is safe for all members, especially when the community includes pre-teens.
Honestly, this sounds like the community is trying aggressively to protect the woman over the admin, as perhaps the community is a little thirsty.
Yup, although if a meet up is at a bar that is 18+ it should probably be advertised in a 18+ chat, maybe it would be easier for everyone to understand if instead of sfw/nsfw the chats were called all ages/18+ ?
I agree
NTA. It might have been better phrased (since most people take ‘NSFW’ to mean sexual stuff) as ‘This chat is accessible to minors. Please move to the other one.
I have also been involved with regulating a site that had dual chats – one public and one ‘member-only’, and the term we used was ‘respecting public face’: If you wouldn’t talk about it in front of 13-year-olds, it isn’t public-face. (Software issue took out all chats, which has honestly made my task easier.)
NTA. Your instincts were good and you wanted to make sure the chat avoids the appearance of contributing to the delinquency of minors. I think that’s very reasonable.
Nta. Sensitive items of conversation should be kept between the involved parties because adding topics that are not relevant to the main topic of conversation could actually make matters worse instead of better.
NTA for asking to move it.
But, your guys that you apologizing will keep the bad feelings around couldn’t be more wrong.
In this case I’m not 100% sure you have anything to apologize for, but if you believe you do, always give the apology.