This one is a bit silly, I get that. But little things like this keep happening between me and my friend who I moved in with a few weeks ago. We always got along great for years before this, but I feel like this little spats are just really petty and I’m not really doing anything wrong. But maybe I am actually the AH, because stuff like this keeps happening and I’m getting sick of silly arguments. I am open to the fact that I might be the problem and maybe I’m just not a good roommate.
So for context. I moved in with a long time friend (we’ve known each other 3 years). I’ll called her Abby. This is the first time I’ve ever lived with a friend, I’ve always lived alone or with family. I have followed the chore chart she made, learned all her rules about shoes in the house and outside clothes on the couch and even learned how to help give emergency medical care to her dog who gets sick sometimes. I’ve totally made mistakes, but I’ve always been honest when I made one and tried to do better. I’ve even done my share of things when I’ve been sick, with only a few days that I was mostly in bed where I didn’t do my share of the kitchen. We order food pretty ocassionally because its expensive, and lately I have paid more often. I don’t keep track of what she owes me because I trust we will just go back and forth and buy when we can afford it. She says she keeps track, but I do feel like I pay much more often than she does. I haven’t said anything, because I know she is tighter for money than I am, so I just let it go.
The actual question is this. I got home today from my last day of uni for the term and wanted to treat myself because I hadn’t eaten all day and the term was just absolutely awful and I wanted to celebrate the end of it with some trashy junk food. Abby’s last class was yesterday so she was at her job, but she works different shifts all the time so I never know when she’ll finish up for the day. I remembered she said around 4:30, but she regularly stays late or comes home early because of the kind of work she does. So I just went ahead and ordered something for myself. I knew there was tons of leftovers in the fridge, and also it was 4pm and I assumed she had actually eaten lunch before now like a normal person. But when she got home and saw me waiting outside for it, she asked me what I was doing and I told her my food was going to arrive in 5 minutes. She got upset and told me I should have texted her to ask if she wanted anything first. I said I knew there was plenty of stuff at home, and that I didn’t know when she finished work. She said I still should have and started walking away. I offered to order her something anyway because I would rather just pay for it than have the drama on a night I wanted to celebrate, but she said no and walked upstairs and closed the door. She hasn’t said anything to me since, or even just asked about my day like normal.
So AITA for not asking first?
NTA.
She is your room-mate, not your child, though she is acting like one. You have different financial situations as well and cannot be expected to pay for her food every time you order takeaway.
You are not responsible for another adult’s sustenance. NTA.
Precisely what I was thinking. When was it one roommate’s responsibility to financially fund the takeout habits of another roommate? I don’t even pay for take out for friends unless they pay me first, only exception being if I’m treating someone but this is explicitly agreed upon beforehand.
Nta. She wasnt home and you had no idea when she would be home
You are NTA for not ordering your friend food. You both need to realize that you are adults living together, no different than if you had separate apartments in a building with a shared living space. There’s no reason you should have to ask her when ordering food.
Small Y T A for the bulk of the text you wrote that has nothing to do with the conflict being discussed.
NTA. It would have been nice to text yes, but you arnt obligated and your not an AH for not texting.
I think you are maybe too intertwined? This feels Codependent for a roommate situation somehow. Room mates dont often always order togeather or eat together. I sounds like she is dictating a lot of the relationship?
NTA NTA NTA NTA – sorry but capslock and repeating are how I feel inside right now.
Abby is not the final arbiter on all things roommate. She does not get to just dictate roommate etiquette. And she does not get to determine if she pays her fair share of takeout orders.
You count too and you need to start advocating for yourself. Keep track of what you pay for. Make some damn rules of your own. And let her know, “Sorry but I have picked up the tab the last 4 times so if you want takeout, you’re going to need to pay.” Or even, “We are both responsible adults who can get ourselves fed so I am going to order food without you sometimes. If you can’t handle that then we may need to not live together anymore. I can’t handle stress from something as simple as ordering food.”
And if the only way Abby will behave with you is if you capitulate to her every whim then you are in a bad situation. You get to have your own preferences like not paying for Abby or wearing outside clothes in your living room (shoes I kinda get as that is pretty common). And taking a break from the chore chart when you are sick. And I would revisit that chore chart because Abby sounds like someone who would take advantage of your kind and trusting nature.
NTA you are not her secretary.
Expecting you to text every time you order food is silly especially with leftovers and not knowing when she’s done work. She is clearly overreacting on a night you wanted to celebrate. Keep splitting fair and shell chill.
NTA. It’s not your job to keep tabs of her working hours or check up what time she finishes. Especially when you pay more often than she does.
NTA, don’t forget you are friends living together, not a married couple, you share the home and you share chores, but I believe that each person is responsible to feed themselves, even if she was tight on money that really is not your problem. You do your part that you are suppose to. What would she have done if you did not live there? She is unreasonable.
The fact they have a rules chart and your walking on egg shells is enough to say NTA. Find another roommate, the quick answer is this isn’t going to work unless you take a hit on your pride, happiness and well being, which you should do none of.
Why on earth would she expect you to order food? Even if she was home, you don’t owe her food. Honestly, you sound like a pushover and I suggest to work on that
NTA
So you live under her rules and you pay more for everything… Sounds like a great deal.. for ABBY. You don’t owe her food. It’s probably time you set some of your own rules and boundaries: don’t pay for anymore food for Abby. Don’t try to anticipate what Abby needs if it’s different to you. Don’t buy groceries for Abby. Abby can take care of her own sick dog. Check to make sure Abby’s chore chart is actually fair. I get the feeling you are used to bending over backwards to please others, and Abby is used to people doing what she wants. You are just roommates, you don’t have to feed her.
Your friend/roommate sounds exhausting. She wasn’t home when you ordered, and you had no idea when she would be home. Chances are good that she could have come home in several hours, by which time whatever you ordered for her would be cold, congealed and totally yucky. Could you have texted her? Sure, but that means you would have had to pay for her food and risk not being reimbursed. If she wants take-out, there is no reason she can’t order her own – and pay for it herself.
Meanwhile, it sounds like your roommate is very inflexible. She made a chore chart??? How old is she, twelve? Is she laying down all the house rules unilaterally? Do you get any say in how the household is run? I see in my crystal ball that there will be stormy times ahead for the two of you unless you can speak up for yourself, and your roommate can lighten up about everything. Good luck.