I (F26) have a coworker (F29) who invited me to her birthday party next weekend. It was an invite texted to me 3 weeks before the party. I never responded to the initial invite text nor have I said in person that I would attend. I have, however, responded to her text of her asking which color I’d prefer for one of the crafts we’re doing at the party (me and another invited coworker (F32) have the same favorite color and it’s a joke between who gets to claim it). I told her which color I’d prefer and she said okay. I also did attend the party last year, and while sorta fun cuz we played video games, was kinda awkward since she was a recent hire at the time.
About a week or 2 before the invite text, I had set plans with a few other friends for earlier in the day. While it starts much earlier, it tends to run for 6+ hrs because it’s a business meeting + hang out and dinner. A few days ago I had informed them that I would need to dip earlier than normal because I was expected at this party and I didn’t want to be mean since I think it’s been mentioned in passing she has very few friends. (I don’t entirely remember)
Now, the large local gaming group (100+ members, ~30 consistent) I’m a member of has informed us about an upcoming networking and live show happening the same night as the party, at the exact start time. It’s even sponsored by a large gaming company and being hosted at the group’s favorite local bar. This event is happening prior to a major conference as well, so I assume several big shots who are going to that con will be at the network event. I even have a friend (M34) who is on the up and up will be in the live show and I’d like to see his work and support him.
WIBTA if I told my coworker I couldn’t attend her bday event and go to this networking live show instead?
Edit for clarification/more context I forgot:
*the items she asked for color on were things she had already prebought prior to asking.
*the date of the party isn’t on her actual bday like it was last year, and I did not realize until a few days ago (after the color question) If I had known at the time it was the same day as the meeting I had pre-scheduled I would have turned it down then.
YWBTA. You accepted an invitation. You don’t get to ditch a commitment because something better comes along. You may think you didn’t accept, but you responded to a text about the party not with, I’m not sure I can go, but with a color you want and which she has likely purchased stuff for. That’s an acceptance.
WTA as I meant YWBTA, not YTA.
Kinda the AH but not really
You shouldn’t have told her the color you prefered since that confirmed you would attend, you could reimburse her for the crafting materials she got and give her some extra present to make up for not going.
But if I were you, and having been a people pleaser, I wouldn’t miss out on this event with your friend, after all she’s a coworker and this is, even if it sounds bad, more important to you than her bday. You will probably enjoy that event more, and if you don’t go, you will feel bad and will regret missing out on this. Your coworker is a grown adult, I would honestly understand, even if I was bummed.
Even if you’re the asshole I don’t see how being a bit selfish in this instance would be that bad. That she has few friends is not your responsibility, she’s 29, not a little kid.
Ok edit after seeing your edit: Nah, NTA
Maybe in the minority: YWBTA (lightly!), but it sounds like the right choice. You are allowed to make decisions that bring you closer to your goals, dreams, and purpose, even if that means upsetting a friend. And to that point, I don’t think you even said ‘friend,’ you said coworker. Is this coworker someone you see yourself being friends with, and mutually investing in, beyond the duration of this job? Is the event something that could spark connections/opportunities that stay with you much longer? IMO, it sounds like this is worth it to you, and it’s entirely possible she wouldn’t even think twice about it. Your absence won’t ruin her party, but missing this event could result in lost opportunity and even resentment on your part.
YTA. By giving a court you tacticly accepted the invitation. Yes, you can do the self centered thing here to the cheers of most of Reddit, which is an incredibly self centered place, but it is still the wrong thing.
At least have the decency to say that you won’t be going and explain that something very important has come up and apologise. Don’t try to pretend that you didn’t accept, because you did. And reply to invitations in a timely, considerate, unambiguous way in future.
eh. guess it depends on your moral framework. I do agree that OP should let the coworker know, and if this were a close friend or family member with whom OP wanted to preserve a strong relationship, I might feel differently. But chaining yourself to a light comittment made to an acquaintance, at the expense of something truly aligned with your purpose, is just plain self-sacrifice in the name of “decency.” And, might I add, women are expected to make that very sacrifice way more often than men: imo, “niceness” and agreeing to social mores just because they exist is one of many hidden ways society tries to keep us powerless. I dunno, just my take. I still went YWBTA but I also think OP should accept the “A” in this case and pursue things she really wants to, even if it might make for a few awkward moments.
You would be an AH, but it might be worth it