Hi Reddit. I made a new account for this because people I know use Reddit and I don’t want this traced back to me.
First, I’m 17. I know I have a lot of life ahead of me, but this situation feels overwhelming right now and I genuinely need advice.
I (17F) have a friend, “Sara,” who has been lending me money for a while. A few months ago I didn’t have a job and ended up borrowing more than I should have. I fully acknowledge I owe her money. I’m not denying that, and I am working on paying her back.
The issue is how it’s being handled.
Sara often pressures me into buying things when we’re out, and if she pays, it gets added to what I owe. She rounds up when she covers me, but somehow rounds down when I pay for her. I’ve started keeping track, and it’s noticeable. Lately I’ve paid for drinks, snacks, and small things that add up to around $20, but none of that has been counted toward my debt. If it were reversed, I know she’d add every dollar immediately.
Sometimes we go out with our mutual friend Rachel and I feel expected to help cover Rachel too. One situation that really bothered me: they went shopping without me while I was gone, bought matching clothes, and told me I had to pay them back. I wasn’t there, didn’t agree to it, and wouldn’t have bought it myself. I don’t understand why I’m responsible for that.
She also constantly “shares” my food and drinks, sometimes half, but that never counts. Meanwhile, she has literally calculated what I owe down to individual fries.
I’ve tried calmly explaining how I feel. She flips it and says I’m being dramatic or unfair. She claims rounding down is an accident or that she doesn’t do it at all, but I’ve tracked it.
Financially, my family struggles. I work once a week and can’t add more hours right now. I pay for gas, my phone, tithing, and help my parents when I can. I cannot afford to pay large amounts at once. Meanwhile, she talks about $500 paychecks and gets money from her parents. Of course that’s not her fault, but it’s hard when she says she urgently needs money while spending freely.
I know I made mistakes borrowing money. I’m trying to fix that. I am willing to pay her back, fully, but I want the totals to be fair and accurate. I don’t want to pay for things I already covered or didn’t agree to.
She acts like I’m wrong for even questioning it.
I posted a longer version on my profile because this subreddit has a character limit and I had to shorten it to fit here.
So… AITAH for asking for fairness before I start sending money?
Okay nta but why are you continuing to let her do this? 1. Stop letting her buy things for you. 2. Stop letting her take your things and food from you. 3. Shes not your friend sweetheart, pay her back, cut her off.
NTA but Sarah is not your friend. Pay her back ASAP, and in the meantime, stop meeting up with her to avoid more expenses. Then cut her off.
NTA – Set up a tally on your phone or something. Every time that she asks you to buy something, say (yes, out loud) ‘Okay, so that’s 5.75 off of what I owe you, bringing the total to (whatever)’. Every time she ‘shares’ your food, say ‘Okay, that meal was 10.00, you had half, so that’s 5.00 off of what I owe you, bringing the total to (whatever).’
If she’s calculating down to fries, give her that same energy. And avoid borrowing anything from her again.
Yes I should’ve done this in the first place to be honest
Yes, you have to mirror her behavior. If she tells you, you owe x amount for fries and she also steals your food you cna tell her, it’s the x amount, and be adamant about it
Ask yourself this instead – in what way does that sound like a fun friendship?
Top comment is the best advice; stop spending time with this person, let them know you’re going to pay them back asap, preferably with an achievable deadline, then cut ties.
Stop going out with her. Pay her back as soon as you physically can and cut contact. She’s not your friend
Exactement ce que je voulais dire. Mais je rajouterai d’arrêter de donner de l’argent à la dîme, cest du vole pure et dure
ESH
Stop borrowing from her. At this point pay her back and stop going out with her. If she pressured you to buy her things or to buy yourself stuff you don’t want, ignore her
ESH
Firstly, yes, she is being an AH, whether on purpose or just through being totally thoughtless.
However, you need to start being smarter about this. Stop muddying the waters with “I bought this, it should count”. Work out a payment plan that you can stick to and pay her back in some sort of reasonable time-frame, and talk to her about it.
You need to start using your voice. If **you are out and you do not have money don’t buy anything or accept any offer for her to buy anything for you.** Put those financial limits into place. If she buys something for you without your input or consent, refuse it and clearly but calmly tell her you didn’t ask for it or want it, and that she needs to check with you before doing something like that.
At some point in your life you will need to learn to have the strength to simply say “no”. She can pressure you, but you don’t have to agree. She can buy things for you without consultation, you don’t have to accept them. And, yes, that may come with some repercussions. It may mean she decides not to be friends with you before because you’re not fun, not chill, not, whatever. All that means is that she is actually your friend in any real or deep sense.
Yes I completely agree. I’m so bad at saying no to her but I’m getting more comfortable and at least I called her out for this instead of letting her walk all over me. I guess it’s some improvement? But yeah I need to make an actual plan
If you don’t have the resolve to tell her no when it happens, then you need to stop hanging out with her. Just pay her back and then stop talking to her. Also tally shit the way she does.
Stop going out and eat/drinking buying clothes till you’re in the black.
You’re making out like she twists your arm.
Sit down, get a final total and let her know you’ll pay Z back every payday.
Nothing will be added or reduced from this debt and it is now it’s own thing.
You pay for your own stuff and that’s that.
NTA. However, you and your family are in this much financial distree, and you are tithing?! Do you think you’re going to buy a stairway to heaven or something? There’s a fool born every minute.