My mom and dad came to visit my (29f) and my fiancés (m31) new house this weekend and it went to shit. My mom is difficult. She lives in a.. this is my plan and you should fall in line mentality and this has been my entire life. My fiancé and I rarely fight, but when we do it’s almost always about my mother. She takes up so much space (physically and emotionally) when she visits. She adds physical clutter, brings her dogs (3 on top of our own three dogs) who are not house broken when not at their home, and is a workaholic who expects us to plan our days around her clients/ schedule for the day. Anyways, this incident resulted in her changing plans last minute. Saying she was planning on staying here an extra 2 days, sending my dad home by himself with 1/3 of the dogs and going to their Florida condo because she had clients on the day they wanted to leave, did not communicate that with my dad, and the was concerned. There would be snow in the evening if their travel day and he expected to leave early ( he was okay, but not overjoyed with the delay in departure) . My mom decided unilaterally, and presented this plan to the rest of us. When my fiancé and I said next week is busy for us (we have meetings, we have a new fence being installed, he is waiting to hear back if he got a new job, and has an interview in the time frame she would be extending her stay) she freaked….asked if she wasn’t wanted and then packed up all her stuff and told my dad she would leave without him if he didn’t get in the car and drive the 12 hour ride now right at that moment. Am I the asshole for not allowing her to stay the extra 2 days so my dad didn’t have to leave in immediately after a full day of hanging out when he planned on leaving in the morning?
NTA. You expressed the truth and set a boundary.
She was going to react negatively to anything other than absolute subservience.
Your world doesn’t have to revolve around her even when you’re hosting. Don’t sweat it.
When she inevitably brings it up against you in the future, let it roll off. Don’t get defensive. Don’t rejustify your response.
Own your boundaries. Or, she’ll walk all over them.
NTA. Mom never learned that the world’s schedule doesn’t revolve around her.
You are perfectly okay telling her that her last minute schedule plan doesn’t work for you and she needs to leave as originally planned, and agreed to.
She sounds exhausting.
NTA Your mother completely overreacted and made your dad leave right then. That has nothing to do with you.
A29f setting boundaries with her over entitled mother? Sounds like a win!
NTA
This would fit well on r/raisedbynarcissists
I have often wondered if that’s an accurate description of the situation
It reads as if mother has never been confronted with a boundary…what a great opportunity for you to introduce the concept to her.
NTA
You need to work on standing by your boundaries. She literally tried to bulldoze your plans, your dads plans, and your husband’s plans with no care for any of your choice in the matter… and you’re asking if you’re the asshole for expecting a grown woman to respect the home that isn’t hers? Put your boundaries down and stand on them, or let her bulldoze. Your choice.
NTA.
Have you considered not hosting your mom given how awful she is? You’re an adult now. You’re allowed to tell her that she’s not welcome.
NTA. But for the sake of your marriage, you need to cut mom out of your life. Your husband’s patience isn’t limitless. He will leave at some point.
Yeah, if it’s so chaotic when mom visits, stop bleeping inviting her to?
You’re NTA. Next time she threatens you with a visit, send her a link to the nearby hotels.
>I let my mom force my dad to leave and drive 12 hours in the middle of the night instead of just agreeing to her demands
You did not do that. She did that. And he let her.
I think YTA for continuing to allow your mom to stay over, because it’s causing issues in your relationship. You’re not setting boundaries or consequences.
If they stay with you, they need to board their dogs. If they come for 2 days, they don’t get to change plans. If they can’t handle that, they can get a hotel room or Airbnb.
You need to start prioritizing your peace and relationship over toxic people.