Throwaway and changing some details as I don’t know if the involved parties use Reddit.
My son Joey is 12 and a multi-sport athlete. One particular sport he has played since he was 5 and has played on a team with the same group of boys since he was 8. They are part of a competitive team in which the boys spend a lot of time together during active season. My husband and I get along well with the other parents, we are particularly close with one other family (Joey and their son Max are good friends) and do socialize with the rest of the families but usually in the context of team events/parties, not necessarily one on one.
Even though they all appear to get along during games, for some reason my son is never invited to the other boys’ personal events like birthday parties, sleepovers, etc. Out of 12 boys, 10 are always included; Joey and Max are always left out. At first Joey was hurt but he’s accepted it by now so when I find out through the grapevine about events being put on by the other boys that he’s excluded from I just don’t say anything and life goes on. The other parents all adore Joey so I don’t understand why they don’t make a point to have their sons include him but it is what it is.
Last weekend was one of the boy’s birthday and his mom rented out this cool venue with games, rides, etc., followed by a sleepover. As always all of the boys but Joey and Max were invited. I found out indirectly when I overheard two of the moms talking about it a couple weeks ago at practice. Max’s mom and I vented to each other privately but didn’t say anything to our boys figuring it would blow over. However at practice this week, the boys kept talking about what a blast they had right in front of Joey and Max. Joey ignored it at first but then they started mocking him directly saying things like "wasn’t that one ride awesome? oh wait you weren’t there haha!" or "you wouldn’t understand how much fun this place is since you weren’t invited". He kept it together through practice but came home in tears asking why no one likes him and what did he do to not deserve an invite. It literally broke my heart.
I understand that this boy can invite or not invite whoever he wants, but for the boys to then rub his face in it is just wrong. It’s one thing if the venue was limited to a specific number of boys but it wasn’t, so how hard would it have been to just invite the other two boys on the team to keep from feelings being hurt? The fact that Joey has been part of this team for the past four years and is treated like this by his teammates over and over again is unacceptable. He doesn’t understand why they don’t include him and is contemplating quitting this team because he feels so excluded, but that would also be shame because we/he likes the coaches and how well we get along with the other parents. Plus they are an excellent team and win majority of their games. WIBTA if I said something to the mom about it?
EDIT: Thanks for all the feedback thus far! I initially tried to answer each comment but there are a lot. I appreciate the feedback both positive and constructive. Some general responses to repeated comments:
1. To those who suggested he might be neurodivergent, I think you may be right. Looking back, he doesn’t always pick up on social cues or get when he’s getting on people’s nerves (e.g. texting/calling several times when he doesn’t immediately get a response, making a comment that he feels is a joke but most times doesn’t land, etc), he doesn’t have a ton of friends, he has diagnosed ADD, etc. It’s definitely a possibility. I will talk to his pediatrician about it. To those who have suggested I might be neurodivergent and it’s genetic, anything is possible. I don’t have any of the typical signs one would think a neurodivergent individual would have, but I’ve always been an introvert and when I was young had difficulty making friends (not an issue now but in elementary and middle school it certainly was) so maybe that was why. Either way will bring it up to his pediatrician so she can assess him.
2. To those who have called me YTA for not speaking up sooner, you are absolutely right. I am ashamed of this. I’ve vented to Max’s mom many times but never approached the situation directly with the coaches/other parents. Not saying it would have made a difference in the other boys liking him or not, but maybe the coaches could have addressed it sooner, or we could have found a new team sooner that would have accepted him and he wouldn’t have had to deal with this for so long. Thank you for opening my eyes to this. I reached out to Max’s mom about an hour ago and she too feels bad she has never done anything about this. Since her son has been consistently excluded as well, we are going to approach the coaches together. Not about invitations, but about the comments/bullying during practice. I also spoke with Joey just now and we are most likely going to seek out a new team for him for next season (we already paid dues for this season so we are going to stick it out; he is okay with this as we probably won’t be able to find a new team so quickly given the season already started and he really wants to play).
3. I agree with everyone who said approaching the mom will not solve anything. Twelve year old boys can invite who they want to invite to their parties and we just have to accept that. Unfortunately kids can be mean to each other, and Joey has to be able to manage that, but it certainly should not be happening at practice which is typically a safe space for him. Going to talk to the coaches instead as I mentioned.
I will continue to read through your comments, apologies if I don’t comment on everyone individually! Thank you again for the feedback!!
Info Request: From the way you describe the situation, it sounds like the other children dislike your child. Do you have any background that would explain why your child seems so unpopular?
She might know why they don’t like him, but because it’s her kid, she might not want to accept it; nobody wants to believe that their kid has a trait that is causing them to be unpopular. It’s understandable as everyone wants their kids to be happy and well liked. But that isn’t always how it happens.
YTA if they don’t like him now, you think forcing them to invite him to their birthday parties will improve that?
They don’t owe your son friendship. His feelings don’t matter more than their feelings.
You should complain to their parents about them intentionally bringing it up that they’re excluding them & rubbing it in his face. Outside of that? Nope.
It really depends on how you go about it. You say the parents love your son but that doesn’t mean that the other kids do. It may be that he’s seen as a snitch or a goody two shoes or something like that. You may want to ask the other mothers why it seems as though the boys don’t like having your son around, but you definitely should not confront them about just inviting your son along because all the other boys got invited. That’s not fair to their children if your son is doing something that makes them uncomfortable.
The issue isn’t the lack of an invite. They’re allowed to invite and not invite who they want.
The issue here is the bullying about it that’s now occurring. That’s what needs to be addressed.
Other commenters have mentioned bringing it up to the coach so the coach can keep an eye out so I think that’s what I will do. I don’t see specific bullying happening at practice but I am not always at practice so it could be happening behind the scenes. If it is then that’s definitely our cue to leave. Joey should not have to deal with that. He hasn’t confided any other episodes of bullying to me as of late but maybe he’s just gotten used it? I hate the thought of that and hope that’s not the case though.
I think telling the coach is a good idea. That way he can just keep an eye on things.
And it could be mean bragging versus bullying. But yes, if it’s an ongoing issue then it’s definitely not a good environment.
I suggest letting the coach know what the kids are doing at practice / games. If the kids respect the coach, he/she may have more of an impact dealing with it than a parent.
Yes ywbta. Everything you wrote is contradicted by your calling the parents. You should myob. They’re 12 and manage their own friendships by that age.
If it’s always the same two boys not invited by everyone maybe that’s something to look into. This isn’t a one time thing. Why do you think it’s always these two boys that are excluded. Have you left out details?
If he wants to quit, he should be supported by you in that decision. He will find another, better group of people to play sports with and be a team with. These people are not on his side, and that can be soul-destroying for a young person. His peace of mind is more important right now, than how well *you* get on with the coaches and other parents.
“calling out” a mother? What will that do? YWBTA
You could, though, ask her why your son is being excluded and bullied, listen to the reason without arguing, and have a think.
. . .
edited for judgement; edited typo, clarity
It’s not up to the parents who the kids invite to their parties. If you “call out” the parent it might get back to the kids and they will tease him more.
How well do all the boys get along at practice and during games?
YWTA. The other boys don’t like your son. And they’re not friends. You may think all the other parents adore your son, but they probably don’t. If they did, they would’ve put more effort into having your son invited. By age 12, you don’t just invite people because proximity to parties. It’s based on actual friendship and your son is not friends with these kids and forcing the issue of making him being invited is not going to make them either but they’re not already friends after all these years on a sports team together they’re not gonna be friends because you forced a party invite. You would be better off broadening your son’s scope of activities so he has a chance to meet more people who he might actually become friends with. And although it was not right for those kids to tease your son, it is fine for them to not be friends with your son or like him. I’m wondering if your son neurodiverse and has a hard time fitting in with people and maybe Max is also Neurodiverse and that’s why him and your son get along. Your addressing the wrong issue.
Honestly soft YWBTA.
The only issue I see is the bullying. Id casually mention it to the “offending” group of moms/mom and see how it’s read. Don’t accuse her of anything- just mention that her son is potentially not being the kindest to yours and that you wanted to make sure your son didn’t somehow offend his. If you frame it as this, you’ll likely get closer to the answer of why your boy wasn’t invited.
If this were a team sanctioned event, yes absolutely there should be a requirement to invite the whole team. If it was a personal party as you said, then there’s no requirement for an invite. You seem to switch back and forth about this holding importance- the first thing you mentioned was that he wasn’t owed an invite. The next thing was how “it shouldn’t be that hard to invite two more boys”. Evidently there is a reason they’re not invited, and pre-determining the validity of how the other moms are reacting will only make you more upset.
Honestly little boys are weird with exclusions. It’s typically used as a punishment, not a full shunning thing like how little girls tend to do.
Not that any of these are truly valid reasons, but has your son done any of these? Or *potentially* done any of these?
-played “poorly” in a game or practice?
-roughhoused with any of the boys at any time?
-made a joke that was offensive or plain just didn’t land well?
-not do as well in school as the other boys grade wise?
-potentially have been mean himself/talked
about someone behind their back/spread a rumor or done something to trigger the other boys to exclude him?
Following… have YOU or your husband done any of these things, or *similar*?:
-spoken poorly about another mom behind their back
-made a snide comment or joke that might not land that well?
-ignored or excluded a mom (intentionally or unintentionally)
-done anything embarassing/distasteful (IE getting drunk at a game, smoking cigarettes infront of the kids, showing up in low cut tops with too much cleavage showing, your husband swearing during a game or hitting the bleachers when he’s upset, etc.)
-you/your/husband/your son accidentally hit someone’s car, damaged gear, or gear went missing and it looked like he did it?
Moms don’t tend do exclude children for no reason… rarely do moms have a personal vendetta against the child himself. They had to have a reason for upset based on what their child told them (and why would they believe your child over theirs, if that makes sense) OR something you did. For an entire group of children to dislike one or two children to the point neither are invited to anything, unfortunately it usually points to the kids fibbing SLIGHTLY on their own behaviors.
Most importantly, don’t “gang up” with the other mom, even if they’re all ganging up on you. It will likely make you appear gossipy because you didn’t address it sooner and chose to “gossip” instead. (Not likely the case- but try to make as little “waves in the ocean” as possible here)
They don’t have to invite him but they do have to be respectful and not bully him about it.
Don’t confront the mother about the lack of invite. Simply mention the bullying. Preface it with, “it is fine that Joey isn’t invited as he is not entitled to an invite, but he is entitled to respect. They shouldn’t bully him for their own decision.”
If you confront her about the lack of invite YWBTA