I have a friend group made up of people from different stages of my life. One friend is only really part of the group because of me. He’s friendly with everyone, but if I wasn’t around, I doubt either side would make much effort to include the other.
Now, this friend of mine wanted to integrate said girl into said "group" because we used to do a weekly or bi-weekly movie watchalong. However, on the first movie she was along for, I was feeling a little out of it, so I didn’t put any effort into getting to know this person over Discord or anything, just tried to include them in jokes I made and all. She stopped showing up after that session.
A year after this, they finally got into a relationship and I was truly happy for them. That was until a couple of months ago, when the girl cheated on him.
I should preface this by saying, this girl has severe Bipolar as well as Borderline Personality Disorder, which makes her extremely troubled and impulsive. She otherwise has always seemed sweet and caring and I honestly do think she loves this friend of mine. She just sometimes goes into episodes of instability, which have, according to my friend, sometimes lasted weeks before. I am familiar with the symptoms of the same, so I sympathized with her as I know how hard it can be to live with BPD. However nothing of this sort has happened before, she has never crossed a line like this.
After she cheated on my friend, these are the facts that I got to know about what happened:
1. She went to her ex’s house the day previous to this. My friend doesn’t live in the same city as her currently but her ex does.
2. She did initially head over to a friend’s place, but then headed out later at night after an argument, and then she went over to his place impulsively.
3. She then lied to him for days till admitting it suddenly out of guilt after a week.
Even after all this, my friend decided to forgive her. I didn’t necessarily agree with it but it’s their life so I didn’t exactly speak out against it too much either. However something he said casually in conversation made me get the ick for her. She apparently said she would not date him if he was bisexual because there’s double the chance he will cheat on her.
This took me by surprise as this was a bigoted take in my head, and all I could think of was of my "sister" (not by blood but might as well be). She too has the same ailments as my friend’s girlfriend, Bipolar as well as BPD, and is a severe case as well (which is why initially I was sympathetic of said girlfriend). And she is also Bisexual and is probably one of the most loyal people I have ever known in my life.
My friend has recently been grumbling how we should have tried a little harder to accept her into the group and be friends with her. I think he means to bring up the ask to involve her in our watchalongs or game sessions eventually.
WIBTA to straight up tell him no, and say I’m glad she wasn’t included here in the first place?
YTA , but not a bad guy by any means just misguided maybe have a talk with your friend and tell him you’ll always support him but raise your concerns, but you should not exclude his partner because he’s decided to forgive his partner and try to work through their problems. What she did was awful for him, and it’s nice to want to protect your friend, but alienated him or having him choose between you two, or giving him the task of letting her know she’s been excluded is more stress than this guy needs.
Once again best thing I can say is talk to him privately and be a good friend, support him in the ways he thinks he needs.
See, that was the first thing I did though.
I wanted to talk to him about his girlfriend (it was in a different context, similar but not the same) and he just completely shut me down saying it’s too soon for him to discuss his relationship issues with me. I also left it alone because I didn’t want to push it too far. This was a week ago. I can try talking to him again, but I doubt his answer about discussing anything regarding her will change.
I would tell him look, you understand he doesn’t want to talk about his relationship, and that’s fine, but he can’t at the same time have a lot of expectations about how his friends interact with his girlfriend. You have a friendship with *him* and have not really developed a friendship with his girlfriend yet; you are not NPCs whose role is to fit yourselves in around the two of them how he and his girlfriend would feel most comfortable. You are real people who will develop, or not develop, relationships with people organically and as far as his girlfriend goes, well, quite frankly the fact that she has already cheated on him is hardly endearing. You and the others don’t owe him or her forcing a friendship with her for her benefit because he wants that, no matter how much you consider him a friend.
>My friend has recently been grumbling how we should have tried a little harder to accept her into the group and be friends with her.
Things are difficult as far as accepting her into the group, but those difficulties stem from her behavior, not from you all needing to try harder to turn a blind eye and accept her regardless of what she does.
Yeah, I mean that’s fair. You’re right about that.
When I made this post I was considering telling him to his face that I don’t want her to be a part of this group ever, but that was my anger speaking I guess.
Don’t wanna make things more difficult for them, but I’m also not letting her into this space just yet.
I don’t think anyone’s the asshole. I think your friend is troubled and cares for this girl deeply which there’s nothing wrong with. His girlfriend is clearly deeply struggling and needs therapy, meds, etc. she really needs professional help to be able to manage these manic episodes.
I think you have every right to feel the way you do because even though you have empathy for his gf you can also just not vibe with her or what to have her as a plus 1 at every gathering.
I think you could say because of her actions you’re uncomfortable having her around for the foreseeable future and maybe encourage him to encourage her to go to therapy.
Thing is tho, I am not that bothered by her cheating. I know how hard BPD can get. It’s what she said after that makes me not want to invite her into a safe space where at least two people are bisexual (including my sister).
I understand what you’re saying tho. Probably the best approach here would be with a calm head.
I think maybe bringing that up is ok too. You don’t have to be accusatory or angry just stage the facts. “Hey man, it made me really uneasy knowing she thinks so low of bisexual people. We have several in our friend group including my sister and I don’t want to put anyone in a situation where they feel uncomfortable especially in our group hang outs we’ve been doing forever.”
Yeah. I would totally be the asshole if I made the situation worse for him. Now that my initial ick and rage have died down, it makes sense to not go with the nuclear option. You’re right.
Thanks.
Happy to help, it’s easy to see red when you feel your family/close friends are being attacked for something as mundane as who they’re attracted to.