I’m really curious to hear an outsider’s perspective on this.
I (M29) live with my gf (F30) in an apartment. Just now, we had a fight over something rather trivial. When we finished dinner, I started cleaning the table and the kitchen. My gf told me she was too tired to clean yet and that she first wanted to chill in the couch. She was tired from a long day at work (however, so was I). I honestly didn’t mind cleaning by myself while she chilled in the couch, so i just went ahead and cleaned everything.
But when I was done, she went "I wanna ask you a question, but I know you’re gonna get mad." But I told her to ask me anyway. Her question was basically "what goes through your head when you see me sleeping in the couch? Do you not think you should make less noise while cleaning when you know I’m asleep?" (while it might read this way, she didn’t ask me in a bitchy way, she was asking it sincerely). The noise she was referring to was me closing cabinets and vacuuming the kitchen floor, as well emptying the vacuum filter by banging it against the trash bin’s side.
Granted, I reacted harshly to this question by indeed getting aggravated. The thing that really irked me was the fact that I had just picked her up from work with my car (so she didn’t have to spend twice the time on the bus getting home) and I had done almost all of the cooking. Which, again, I really don’t mind doing. I was taken aback from doing all of this and then getting critiqued for ‘cleaning too loudly’ and did not appreciate it in the slightest. But I admit I pointed all this out to her in an aggressive manner. Also, I was listening to music with earphones in so i didnt even notice making a lot of noise.
Her response was that I always drag all of the things that I do for her/in the house into every discussion when what she was pointing out didn’t have anything to do with that. While this might not directly relate to the point she was making, isnt it at the very least understandable I feel almost insulted for basically getting called inconsiderate after just having cleaned by myself so my partner could chill in the couch?
So, please, tell me, AITAH?
…vacuuming? while she was trying to nap?
Thank you. I’m scrolling through all the N.T.A. comments wondering if I’m the only one who doesn’t include vacuuming in my dinner clean up.
YTA. Common decency to make minimal noise if someone is sleeping especially when you know they had a tiring day. Also, why keep score? that you picked her up in your car is no way relevant to her question.
ESH. She should have gone to sleep in a different room and not expected you to leave the cleaning for later.
You shouldn’t say you don’t really mind when you clearly do. If you didn’t have an issue with her lack of help you’d have just explained you weren’t thinking due to headphones and apologized. The fact that it made you that angry to be questioned shows you weren’t really okay with doing it yourself.
That’s possible, but I think he’s really bothered by the audacity to criticize his effort. I still think that’s wrong, but it’s a different issue he needs to address in himself
NTA. If she wanted to sleep, she should have gone in the bedroom.
Hmm, NTA for cleaning loudly when she’s napping on the couch no, if she had full access to a bed in another room. She also could have said “hey I’m really wanting to be on the couch right now, and feeling overstimulated, I don’t mind cleaning things up later by myself.”
Sounds like YTA for keeping score of things though, and for something called “kitchen sinking” (look it up if you’re interested). I recommend couples counselling to repair the building resentment, or do what you can to navigate this built up resentment you both seem to have, otherwise you both will most likely continue being assholes.
Cleaning up dishes is one thing. Vacuuming and reacting poorly makes YTA. Who vacuums when someone is napping nearby? Either it was malicious or you are oblivious. Either way, be nicer. Vacuuming can wait.
YTA. It’s rude to do loud things while someone is sleeping, and there’s no way you didn’t realize you were being loud if you were *vacuuming*. Then when she told you she was annoyed, you invalidated her feelings. And you justify all of this, in an “aggressive manner” no less, because you picked her up and made dinner? It sounds like you don’t even care about her at all.
Look, if you were just washing dishes and pots and pans, loading the dishwasher, then whatever, normal household sounds. Vacuuming? Banging the filter? I would never do that when someone was napping. If she had a habit of sleeping on the couch instead of going to bed and it kept you from cleaning often then it’s worth having a conversation with her asking her to go to bed. If it’s one day that she’s just extra tried and fell asleep on the couch? You let her nap dude. You are making it sound like she’s not allowed to be extra tried because you came to pick her up. You say you don’t mind cooking and cleaning, but it sounds like you mind, because normally when someone you love falls asleep because they are worn down people try to keep quiet for them. And listening to music is not a get out of making noise card, everyone knows vacuuming is loud. Making a ton of noise when someone is napping because you are cleaning sounds super passive aggressive. If it bothers you then use your words. YTA.
I had to recheck the ages before I answered. At 21, this would be a very common and normal conversation to have as people are getting used to being considerate of folks they haven’t essentially grown up sharing space with. At 30, I am a little baffled. Have you received this criticism (that you are inconsiderately loud in common areas) from previous partners and roommates? Why did she choose to sleep on the couch, knowing that you were going to be cleaning up in the kitchen, instead of just going and starting her nightly routine for getting ready for bed?
At its core, this just sounds like a fight that’s a symptom of some other problem. She feels that you are inconsiderate or inattentive in some way: she was asking if you see her sleeping and think to yourself “well I’m going to be loud on purpose” or if it just doesn’t register as something you should be mindful of. You were offended bc you feel you had done a lot for her to make her day better and that she was being needlessly critical. There is something else going on for yall to approaching a problem with so little grace for each other.
Soft NAH, pending more information about the overall health of the relationship/ whether or not this is chronic behavior on OP’s part.
Obviously as we weren’t there, it’s going to be hard to remark on whether you were ‘too loud’. But what you describe is noisy and you admit you had headphones on.
My concern – and maybe your GF’s? – is that whether you knew it or not, you had some resentment causing you to act passive aggressively while cleaning, like you weren’t going to take her into account at all because you were doing the work and she was lounging. It does not require much of a stretch to imagine that was the case. You obviously could have done the less noisy tasks and held off on vacuuming and banging trash cans around, if you cared to let her rest. So to me, the question she posed to you is apt.
I think the best case scenario is that you were inconsiderate, and the worst is that you were passive aggressive and intentionally noisy. How can you be inconsiderate, you ask, when you were the one cleaning and she was lounging? Of course, in a partnership, if one person says they need rest and leaves work for someone else, the person doing the work should still, within reason, try to support the partner’s need for rest. You also could have not cleaned up and left it for her, since you had cooked. Then you’d have a more even split of duties and could have left her to have some quiet before she got up to clean.
So I’ll go YTA.
It did not sound like she was criticizing you. It sounded like she was asking you a question to understand you better. So, for overreacting to what you have said is her genuine question, YTA.
YTA I thought maybe she might have been dramatic until you said you were vacuuming. When she was sleeping. Dude. It wasn’t that urgent. Asshole move