Back story: my friend is getting married this fall. I have known her since we were in diapers. We’ve grown apart over the years. I found out she was engaged through social media, found out she picked her bridal party through social media, and have not been invited to any birthday celebrations of hers in the last decade. When I confronted her about being hurt that I was not included in her wedding, her response was “it wasn’t my decision” the fuck? (For those that aren’t understanding, she is saying SHE didn’t choose her own bridal party)
My friend is having a bachelorette party this summer. I initially said yes to going. I put down the deposit for the weekend. As time went on, I realized that I would not be comfortable there. I am not a fan of her friends and overall feel like I was a pity invite because I was upset about not being in the wedding.
I messaged the girl who coordinated the bachelorette the other day and told her I would be unable to attend. I had planned to tell my friend afterwards once I found the right words. Welp, this girl told my friend before I had the chance to. Now she is freaking out and telling me that I am cold and uncaring and can’t even see how this hurts her. Throwing our decades of friendship in my face. She’s trying to guilt me into feeling bad, and I don’t think that I can.
AITA for backing out??
ETA: YES I KNOW ITA FOR TALKING TO HER ABOUT NOT BEING INCLUDED IN THE WEDDING LOL THAT WAS NOT THE POINT OF THIS POST 😂
ETA: I do keep in contact with this friend and see her multiple times a year. We even talked about her wedding together as if I would be in it.
YTA for expecting to be in the bridal party and “confronting” her about it.
YTA for telling the organizer that you wouldn’t attend before you told your friend.
For not going? No. You aren’t required to go.
Exactly this. She hasn’t been invited to any birthday celebrations in a decade? Didn’t find out her “friend” was engaged until she saw it on social media? Then has the audacity to say she was hurt to not be in the wedding? Unless OP is leaving out a lot of information, it sounds like these two aren’t close at all anymore. No one is entitled to be included in anyone’s wedding regardless of how long they’ve known each other. Seems like the friend has gotten more friends and branched out and OP was a casualty of that. It sucks, but it’s what happens.
All this to say, agree with this comment YTA for expecting to be in the wedding party and complaining to the bride about it. If you don’t want to go to the bachelorette party anymore fine, but tell the bride directly first. You had to know the girl planning it was going to tell her anyways. Just as you aren’t entitled to be in someone’s wedding, they aren’t entitled to your presence at their wedding. If this is really bothering you, respectfully decline the invite and move on with your life and move on from this friend.
NTA youre indeed right that it is a pity invite. Tells you enough about the friends feelings towards you if they go immediately running towards the bride. Would even consider not going to the wedding as it sounds like she is not a good friend
You aren’t close anymore so don’t go and stop contacting her.
YTA
She wasn’t really close to you anymore. You made it about yourself.
It WAS a pity invite.
Let it go. Friendships move on. Take the hint.
I really thought this was going to be about Bach, and backing out of a Bach quartet or something. I’m disappointed.
Backing out of Bach party after you strong armed and demeaned her about attendant choice ….. YOU’VE known her since diapers after all. But admittedly have been* absent in the last decade.
OP, come on admit it: YTA for orchestrating this La Brea of tar pits.
OP, send regrets and apologies. Her wedding should Not be about you.
Edit: *been
This has to be made up. “and have not been invited to any birthday celebrations of hers in the last decade. ” So, we are to believe that you expected to be a member of her wedding party? YTA
YTA for confronting someone you admittedly haven’t been close to in at least a decade about not being in her wedding party. That was what likely led her to invite you to the bachelorette. Then you have the audacity to feel sorry for yourself that it feels like a pity invite when you were the one who made things an issue in the first place. She tried to make amends by including you, then you back out and don’t even tell her but tell her friend. Of course this would bother her!
NTA for not attending he bachelorette, YTA if you’re backing out close to the date and will leave everyone else with a higher bill than expected for the accommodations.
And YTA for confronting her over not being in the wedding. She’s right, it’s not your decision. Confronting her about that is like getting mad that she doesn’t buy you a fancy bottle of champagne to celebrate her own promotion. And you said yourself that you’ve grown apart so it makes sense she’d have bridesmaids who she’s currently closer with.
ETA – Changed judgement to NTA based on OP’s response. But I left my original comment in place to be transparent about it. OP still made some mistakes (e.g., not telling the bride about backing out first); but I can better understand why OP thought she was still a close friend.
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E s h (but her part is very small compared to yours)
You have grown apart.
**You haven’t been invited to a bday party for her in the past decade.**
\- Exactly how many of your parties did you invite her to in the past decade?
\- Did you care enough to say anything to her in the past decade about wanting to stay connected?
**You found out through social media about her wedding plans. She hasn’t been calling you.**
\- Had you been calling her to ask her about her life or share what was going on in yours?
\- Had you known how close she was to her fiance?
\- Had you called or messaged her JUST to congratulate her on her engagement?
**No. It sounds like your just ‘confronted her’ about why ‘you were not included in her wedding party’.** THAT was the important thing to you.
Bride gets an AH nod for responding, “It wasn’t my decision.” – No excuses for her on that.
**No mention of wanting to rebuild your relationship with her; your focus is (why wasn’t I included and somehow getting invited to her bach… like, why???). You pushed to be included and you got included.**
ONLY NOW do you realize that she (in the past 10+ years) has been building relationships with the people she is close enough to, to ask to be in her wedding party. Ooo. It’s registering with you that the reason you got invited was because you were pushing to be included, not because you and she are actually close anymore. Presumably the reason you wanted to be included was to celebrate her, but that’s not really your priority. So, instead of recognizing YOUR mistake of claiming honor for a friendship that has been barely a part of your life in the past 10 years; you are blaming HER for being a waste of your time and money.
Then – because you feel you deserve the luxury of sometime in the future ‘finding the right words’ AND because you wanted get your $$$ back as quickly as possible – you tell the coordinator first, before you tell the bride. And are shocked, that the coordinator thought the bride would want to know.
If you don’t get your deposit back, don’t blame the people who accommodated your insistence on being included. It would be nice to think you might consider part of a lesson learned. But I’m not hopeful.
YTA for demanding she include you in the wedding’s party in the first place when you had already grown apart.
YTA how swlf centered do you have to be to confront someone you have barely been friends with for years because their wedding isn’t revolving around you!?
You bullied her into inviting you then dropped out. Maybe you actively not liking any of her friends has something to do with her not wanting you at her meaningful moments
I just can’t get behind this abbreviation for “bachelorette.” And no, I don’t have a better idea, but it just looks like OP promised to perform at a baroque music concert her friend was organizing, and then reneged 🙂
Someone in the comments used the same abbreviation, but capitalized it! Come on, that’s too much…