I (F27) was talking to my Mother-In-Law, Eileen, about my Husband and I purchasing a holiday home. Something we have enjoyed is taking group trips with friends, and now we will be the ones to host everyone. I also mentioned being excited to finally go on family holidays as that was not something I did growing up.
Eileen was puzzled about me saying this and said something along the lines of “Why not? Your mum is not poor. She could have easily afforded to take you on holidays. I don’t understand. We always took our boys away. She must have taken you on holiday”.
When Eileen said this, I did recall one holiday we went on together, but it wasn’t so-much a holiday as it was Wedding duties (When I was 10, I was a bridesmaid in my Godmother’s destination wedding).
I wasn’t allowed to do anything interesting until after the wedding (the last two days of the trip). Most days were rehearsals, food and a accompanying the adults to their spa trips. No swimming, no activities (risk of injury) and no skipping rehearsals.
I also tend to overlook this particular holiday due to the fact my mother barely spoke to me the entire trip (she was angry about something) and actually left me in the hotel bathroom on the last day.
About a week after this conversation, Eileen told me to make sure everyone’s passports were in-date. The conversation we had didn’t register in my mind so I didn’t understand why she randomly chose to bring up passports. When I asked, Eileen wasn’t being forthcoming with details. Still, I replied that our passports were in-date. This was last month.
Turns out she spoke to my FIL, Simon, and they booked us all trip.
My mother and I do not live close to each other. Our method of contact is mostly a phone-call once a week. I shared that Eileen and Simon were kindly taking us on a family holiday and how excited I was for it. I didn’t mention the talk with Eileen, only my excitement for the upcoming trip. My mother didn’t like this.
I’m almost certain I phrased it as “\*husband’s\* parents have booked us a family holiday. I can’t wait”. For some reason she took it as a personal attack and immediately got on the defensive.
“You’re acting as if I deprived you of holidays as a child”.
And
“Even if I had offered to take you, you probably would not have wanted to come”.
And
“I should not have to feel guilty about this. I was a single mother for many years”.
As she was saying these things, I could hear that she was crying. I felt bad. However, I was angry that she reacted this way.
When my mother went on holiday, I would be left in the care of my grandma. She’d be gone for 1-2 weeks without a single phone call.
The comment about “offering” was triggering. She never offered! Not once did she say “Would you like to come?”. It was convenient once she met my step-dad because she’d tell me they need “alone time”.
We argued.
Her exact words were “You’re shaming me for not forcing you to come on holiday”. I don’t understand where I shamed her.
EDIT 1:
The conversation with Eileen was more like:
Me: “Everyone must come to stay at the house when it’s ready. It will be so nice to have family holidays”.
Eileen: “I’ve had my fill. We travelled everywhere with the boys, or their grandparents took them abroad whilst we worked.
Me: “I didn’t really go on any when I was younger, but now I can host them!”.
Eileen: (text in main body)
EDIT 2:
I probably should have added a trigger warning.
Eileen is someone who has “diarrhoea mouth”. She doesn’t mean to come off as she does, but it also happens to be a common trait where she’s from. I’ve gotten used to it over the years and can assure you she didn’t mean anything untoward from the remark. She is a kind person (absentminded at best).
It was abnormal for her and Simon to leave my husband and his brother behind. To her, knowing my mother travelled frequently, it didn’t make sense.
NTA.This is a type of behavior that narcissistic type people often engage in. She knows this was crappy behavior, she managed to normalize it for you, you are now discovering it was not normal, and she’s rightfully embarrassed, but because in her mind the world revolves around her, it has to be your fault that she feels bad.
I will say that the wedding thing sounds normalish- I can absolutely see not wanting you to be bruised or injured at all before the ceremony and reception/events for pics.
Ironically, I ended up getting injured at the wedding.
I only ever asked outside of wedding duties because I knew they were the priority, but we were there for two weeks. I wasn’t even allowed to sit by the edge of the pool and dip my toes in (no chance of being allowed in and getting my hair wet), go to the beach, or join in any of the events being hosted for the kids.
The way you describe it — you never even brought up to your mother that she never took you on trips as a kid, right? You just said your MIL booked a trip and you’re excited, and then she got mad? NTA.
There was a pause after I said it and then she got mad.
My husband was amazed to find out that my parents took us on vacations (even the good ones, overseas) because he and his brother would be dropped off with grandparents while his folks travelled for weeks. Zero self-awareness on their part, and some hurt feelings for the kids. Our first trip to Italy together, we also took his teenage daughter (and if that’s not love, I don’t know what is). We’ve travelled with her, with her husband, with them and their child, and we’ve also paid for her trips over the years. I cannot understand people who don’t treat their children well, even when those children are adults. Same goes for people who don’t treat their spouses well. Like, why? And I know not everyone has the means for big trips…but c’mon.
NTA
I know it’s not a norm for some people. I want it to become a norm for my children one day.
The only other holiday I went on was when she sent me abroad for 6 weeks by myself. I was 11. I got caught-up in a hurricane (the roof got ripped off the house) and she had my grandma call to check if I was okay.
The first holiday I went on with someone as an adult was with my husband (then boyfriend). He surprised me for my birthday. I cried a lot… a lot.
This is a beautiful and very special way to create memories with your children (and with your partner and his family, too)., and yes, it’s a lovely legacy to pass down through the generations. I’m so grateful to my parents for their generosity and their attention, and I feel good about things when I can do the same for my husband, his daughter, her husband, and their child. I get to be Gramma by just being generous and mindful…it’s a win-win for all of us, I think! xo
NTA. My SDs mom always left her behind when she went on vacation. They’re not on speaking terms now that SD is an adult. Not bc of the vacations, but that was a symptom of an all-encompassing selfishness / narcissistic tendencies on her mom’s part.
Your mom’s reactions combined with this sound just like her. Never thinking of SDs feelings or needs at all
NTA. Your mother didn’t talk to you for an entire “vacation” and left you in a bathroom the last day. OP, your mother sounds abusive and the way you’re questioning yourself sounds like you were raised in an abusive home.
Please get therapy if you’re not already in it.
She mostly left me in the care of my “aunts” (not biologically related but family nonetheless).
I had to question this because it was so unexpected that I genuinely couldn’t tell if I was an AH for mentioning it.
I’ll arrange a few sessions just to get it out of my system.
Unless details are missing, nta. It feels like her attack came out of no where.
I feel like Eileen’s comment “why not, your mother isn’t poor” is a bit out of line and rude.
Being a single mum is hard and is a struggle and maybe there weren’t funds for holidays at some points. Maybe it was not something that she felt ready to do as a single mum.
That being said, the way that she responded was a bit defensive and going on holiday alone and not contacting your child is a bit harsh… but really neither you or your mum seem like TA here. Just a bit of regret, jealousy mixed with excitement and envy of what someone else had before. You know? If anything I would say Eileen here was a bit of TA for her backhanded comment about how your mum should have taken you on holiday….
NTA. She reacted poorly because she knows perfectly well that she deliberately didn’t take you on holidays with her, and that it was a rotten thing to do to you. Even though you *didn’t* try to shame her, she knows you *could*, and she got preemptively defensive.
My mother was a single parent of two and definitely couldn’t afford frequent vacations. She never asked us if we wanted to come on holiday with her, because it was never a question, it was her default that yes of course we were coming! They weren’t expensive but she made it work and we had fun together. Your mother could have found a way to do something together if she wanted to.
I hope you have a lovely time on holiday with your in-laws, and hosting your friends.
NTA and sounds like you might find some support over at r/raisedbynarcissists. It’s not only about literal diagnosed narcissists it’s full of information on dealing with difficult family members.
Taking offense over nothing in order to make you the one in the wrong for her bad parenting decisions is classic. You are not alone at all!