I’m currently hiding in the nursery because my husband is on the phone with his mother and honestly I’m shaking. I have a 3-month-old daughter and I’ve been very clear about my boundaries regarding smoking. My MIL is a heavy smoker and today she just showed up without calling first. She smelled so strongly of cigarettes it was making my eyes water from across the hall. She immediately tried to grab the baby out of the bouncer and I blocked her. I told her point blank that she couldn’t hold her while smelling like that and that it’s a health risk for the baby’s lungs. She absolutely lost it. She started screaming that I’m a "controlling brat" and that she raised her own kids just fine in a house full of smoke. I told her times have changed and until she showers and changes her clothes she isn’t touching my child. She left crying and now my husband’s entire family is texting me saying I’m being "cruel" and "elitist" for breaking a grandmother’s heart over a smell. My husband agrees with the health part but says I should have been "more diplomatic" to avoid this huge family blow-up. I feel like I’m being gaslit by everyone into thinking I’m the villain for just wanting my baby to breathe clean air. AITA?
NTA but your husband should be taking the lead on maintaining this boundary with his side of the family. You’re the outsider/interloper to those folks, you need him on your side and making it clear that this is what both of you have decided.
In your shoes, I’d block every single one of them, but that’s easy for me to say.
NTA they literally warn you about this during midwife appointments and the risk to SIDS and so on , your husband should have warned his mother about the smoke and health impact as well as being clear that until she washed and cleaned up her clothes she won’t be holding the baby.
NTA. Secondhand and third-hand smoke can increase the likelihood of cancer full stop, and it’s especially harmful to babies. My entire maternal family smoked, and my respiratory health is trash because of it.
NTA.
Tell your husband that he can either get on board and defend you and your child against his family or he can go home to his mother and they can get lung cancer together. The only person who matters in your scenario is your baby and they can’t tell you how the smoke smell hurts them so it’s your responsibility as their parents to be that voice and line of defense for them.
NTA OP. Agree with this response. Your husband should be protecting baby and you. Edit to add for you to block his family from texting at least right now. Your husband needs to handle.
NTA.
There is no reason that your child should reek of secondhand cigarette smoke. Ugh.
As an oncology RN – NTA! Stand your ground!
Yep. Generally known as “third-hand smoke”. The residue left hangs around long after the smoke has cleared, and even after cleaning and no longer smelling of tobacco. And just for OP (paging u/BashCatib), if your MIL smokes in her own home or car, please do not allow baby to be in either of those. The toxic shit will stick around in carpets, furniture, car seats, walls. This is a legitimate health concern, especially with someone so young.
My spouse had chronic ear infections starting at a very young age, as did his siblings. We now know that this was likely a result of second and third-hand smoke exposure from their father. Seriously NTA, there’s no safe amount of exposure.
NTA at all, babys safety comes first
Husband needs to put a stop to MIL pronto. If she shows up unannounced, Hubby sends her away. If MIL complains to family, Hubby sets the record straight. it is HIS mum, so its his responsibility to manage. And vice versa – if your parents cause trouble, its on you to manage
Good luck OP <3
He chose not to set the boundary with his mother. That fell on you, in the moment, because he didn’t do his job. Of course its easy for him to say you should have done it differently when he didn’t handle her prior to it being a problem. NTA hold firm.
If your MIL lives close enough to drop by unannounced, she lives close enough to put down her cigarette, take a shower, and put on clean clothes before coming over. Sadly, if she smokes that much, she’s not going to have anything that’s really clean. : (
You’re a good mum. NTA.
Unless you start calling her Old Smokey. Then you’d be the A. Lol
NTA
If you can smell cigarette smoke you are inhaling harmful chemicals.
Smoke off clothing, furniture, walls etc is called *thirdhand* smoke and still contains carcinogens.
\_\_
[https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/nicotine-dependence/expert-answers/third-hand-smoke/faq-20057791](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/nicotine-dependence/expert-answers/third-hand-smoke/faq-20057791)
“Babies and young children who crawl and may put non-food items in the mouth are at higher risk than nonsmoking adults.”
Do not f around with the mom of a 3 month old. The smell is obnoxious and toxic. I actually had to tell a heavy smoker sib to not present like that to our dying moms bedside! smoke all you want but their stink is an issue these folks refuse to take responsibility for, nor recognize how it impacts others NTA