My (27M) wife (27F) has been really struggling with her mental health because of work. She hates her job, mostly because of one manager who constantly gives her a hard time. She comes home crying at least four times a week. Since around December, things have gotten worse due to being understaffed and having more work piled on her, and she feels like the company doesn’t listen or care at all. She’s completely burnt out.
She wants to quit her full-time job and just go casual at her second job. The problem is that the hours there aren’t consistent, since it’s casual. Her plan is to leave this job and then look for another one while she’s unemployed, because she feels like getting out of this environment is more important than anything else right now.
Money-wise, she actually earns more than I do, so it’s not like she’s struggling financially on her own. Still, I was worried about her quitting without another job lined up or a casual job which she picks up shifts as she goes. We’re renting, paying off a car, have a cat, and we’re hoping to buy a house soon. Because of that, I suggested she try to get another job first and then quit. At the time, she was okay with that.
Things changed after she spoke to her brother. He got really concerned about her mental health and told her she should quit immediately. He also said that as her husband, I should be able to provide for her financially. That honestly stressed me out, given our current expenses and future plans.
This morning, my wife told me she wants to split her savings and doesn’t want to have a joint account anymore. She also said she’s worried about our future, especially if we have kids one day, and that if anything happens to her, it would be my fault for making her stay in this job.
Now I’m second-guessing myself. I was trying to be practical and think about our finances, but I’m wondering if I was wrong for advising her not to quit straight away. It also feels like her whole attitude shifted after talking to her brother.
Yta
You can’t own a house with a dead woman
As long as she’s serious about moving forward and not doing stupid expenses, be supportive
Savings can wait
YTA. You’ve stated this job is awful for her mental health, and then go on to pout that YOU would be stressed if you had to financially provide for her. How do you think she feels having to provide for you?
Yeah I’m not loving that he isn’t helping her problem – solve this or working as a team to find a way to make enough money so she can leave that job. I’m not reading anything about him trying to take things off her plate so she has free time to job hunt NOW. I’m not reading that they sat down to look at their budget for ways they can cut back for a bit. All I’m seeing is him suggesting she stay in the job without any other type of support or ideas for her to be happier. Yikes.
Also forcing her to have two jobs.
YTA. Your wife has been struggling with mental health issues and her brother telling you to be a good spouse stressed YOU out lol. Imagine how your wife feels being the breadwinner.
Your wife will end up either divorcing you or killing herself.
If i understand, she is supporting you with two jobs and one of them is killing her.
She has a second job.
She plans on looking for another main job.
She is telling you her mental health is struggling. You have seen it yourself when she comes home crying.
As the daughter of someone who lost their battle with depression / mental health. I suggest you listen to her and take this seriously. Not everyone gets open communication like this. Dont just ignore it or invalidate it.
YTA. Be more caring and supportive.
As a daughter who lost her father to this battle, I couldnt agree more. OP has seen her come home atleast 4x A WEEK in tears, and that alone should have made him want something better for her! The fact that she has a second income as well, should have made him even more supportive!
So they have to put plans of a house and kid aside, I PROMISE YOU, in her current mental state, a CHILD is the last thing they should be thinking about.
So yes, OP, YTAH!
YTA. Her attitude changed when she talked to her brother because an important man in her life expressed concern for her, not just for the money she earns. The way you talk, it def sounds like you are using her for her ability to provide, and you imply as much when you say you are stressed just thinking about having to be the provider. Your wife is smart to want to end joint savings with you. It doesn’t sound like you contribute much.
YTA – I don’t personally buy into the gender aspects of the man needing to provide for the woman in a relationship (unless that is what both partners want, to each their own), but if my bread winning spouse was working *two* jobs and coming home crying 80% of the time, I’d be a hell of a lot more supportive than you.
It sounds a lot like you need her to buy a house and you are willing to sacrifice her health to get there faster. Hopefully she only has that breakdown after you’ve already signed the papers and moved in, right?
Getting a job is definitely easier when you already have one, since companies don’t like unemployed people very much, but she is working two jobs! It’s not normal to come home in tears nearly every day. Something is wrong, and she is going to crash and burn.
Fake. Same account claimed to be 23F is previous post. This post also indulges several typical cliches of common fake posts.
YTA. Your wife is literally coming home crying most days of the week and working two jobs. This is not sustainable – she is going to burn out sooner or later. If she is under *that* much stress, it isn’t going to be long before her mental health begins to affect her physical health, if it isn’t already. And, she needs a partner who cares about her more than the bills.
Things *will* have to get worse before they get better. And by that, I mean for both of you, not just for her. She has taken on this burden by herself long enough. The two of you may need to tighten your belts and really cut back while she quits and tries to find a new job. You might need to take on a second job as well in the short term (or take on more hours at your current job). But, if she can find a better job where she is actually happy, this will be better for the both of you in the long run.
Also: look at how you have talked to your wife. Now reverse the rolls. If you were under as much stress as she was and she talked to you like that, how would you feel? It sounds like her attitude shifted when she talked to her brother because she got something form him she wasn’t getting elsewhere – empathy.
Your future plan of buying a house can be put on hold slightly for the benefit of your wife’s mental health. Of course YTA, how do you type all that and not realize? I don’t go in for the whole “the man must provide” thing, but this isn’t like she hasn’t been pulling her weight. Why would you look at her and think, “she looks pretty exhausted, maybe if I just whip her more she’ll get me there”?
There is as big difference between “bleh work sucks, because it’s work” like we all feel; verse literally being in tears because the company is sucking the life out of its employees. Assuming her mental health is that bad, she comes before making money.
Sounds like she had as temporary plan, it’s just not as gainful as her current job. So you tighten the purse strings, stop saving briefly, let her get stable before moving forward.
Your recommendation is worthwhile but if it’s as bad as it sounds, she’s needs out now.
She’s expressing what she needs, and you are trying to tell her not to fulfill her needs. YTA