My (18m) friend (18f) is far from home for college and I have not seen her in months. She was home last weekend and invited me over yesterday to hang out at her house. It was after work and I was super tired but was still in the mood to hang out because I haven’t seen her in months. When I got there, her boyfriend was over. I was kind of caught off guard and may have been a bit unintentionally rude when I said “oh, you’re here? I didn’t know (your boyfriend) would be here.” and they may have taken offense to that but I tried to play it off as a joke. I don’t necessarily mind hanging out with him, but he’s not my favorite person in the world. I’ve known him since elementary school (since before I knew my friend) and we were friends in middle school but grew apart. I thought he was super cool when I was in middle school but now that I’ve matured I’ve grown to not love him that much because he can be very condescending, mansplains everything, acts like he’s better than everyone else, and has a huge ego and always has to be right about everything. My friend did not tell me he would be there and I would’ve reconsidered coming over if I’d have known. I thought my friend just wanted to see me and hang out one on one. I should also mention I’m gay so this is not a jealousy thing and no romantic feelings are involved. WIBTA if I asked my friend to let me know if any other people are going to be over before inviting me?
NTA, it’s a reasonable ask. I don’t know that I anticipate it going well, though.
Meh, I think it’s kind of prickly of you to do that. It’s obviously a veiled statement of “I only want to see you if <BF> isn’t there.” or “Don’t bother asking me if he’s also going to be there.” and I don’t think there is a good place for that in a friendship.
She wanted to see you, which is why she asked. You aren’t obligated to accept but it is rude to act unwelcoming of another GUEST who has also been invited. Maybe there is a slight AHness on her part for not being transparent about what the invite really was but it mostly just seems like she is trying to balance a lot during her time home from college and putting conditions on your willingness to see her is shitty.
So gently, I’ll go YTA. BUT if she invites you again and you are unsure whether you have the energy to see him as well, you could say something like “I’d love to see you! Just curious though, are you having other people over too because to be honest, after work I’m pretty spent and not up for anything other than a quiet, casual hang.” so feel free to react that way but I encourage you not to make it a hard line that you won’t go if he’s there.
Respectfully, disagree! Those invited ought to know who all will attend. That’s courtesy. No one needs to be surprised by an unexpected person.
I would ask, “If you’re not otherwise engaged, do you wanna hang out?”
NTA. It’s normal to wanna know who’s going to be around for a hang out. There’s certain people I’m less comfortable around and would prefer to avoid or only have in small doses. I think presenting it as “I want to hang out with you but your bf makes me uncomfortable because of some things that happened in the past. It’s not that I hate him, it’s just awkward and I’d rather not be in the same room as him if I don’t have to be” even if you do hate him I would leave it out of the conversation so she doesn’t just drop you as a friend
Of course NTA!
NTA
You’re entitled to comfort when invited over by a friend! If you’re not comfortable, you don’t have to acquiesce! And the third wheel (her bf) sounds like an energy vampire, so I do not think you’re the asshole for the HARD PASS.
NTA
NTA My roommate and I always let each other know when we have people over, even if it’s my long time boyfriend. We never surprise each other. even if fit’s last minute, like my boyfriend called right now that he’s on his way, I still shoot her a text to let her know someone’s home or someone will be home in the nearby future.
NAH, it’s reasonable to want to know who else will be around. It’s also reasonable for your friend to assume she and her boyfriend might be treated as a unit socially.
I would just get in the habit of asking who else will be around when hangouts are being discussed.