We’re both 18 and been together for nearly a year. I sulked and ignored him back. He knows that I hate being ignored since I’ve told him that I’ve had trauma and bad experiences with friends + abandonment issues. He was casually playing his game when I asked him, \*repeatedly\*. And he didn’t say anything, not even a slight hint of acknowledging my question, which struck a nerve. Why do guys do this? Am I that irrelevant to him?
After that I just gave up since he showed no interest and proceeded to watch the movie on my own. No, it wasn’t because he doesn’t like the movie, I didn’t even tell or show him what it was. The only problem was that he ignored me. Anyway, after about 20 minutes into the movie, he finally stopped playing his game and turned to me to watch the movie. ??? So I pushed him away cause wtf, now you want my attention? It has been 3 hours and he still havent said anything. Additionally, he is leaving for a week, the next week. Am i the asshole for getting upset over this? I’ve been ~~SH~~ these situations happen. I don’t want to be a burden to my friends and tell them about these cause I think I may be overreacting:( I have been diagnosed with mild depression a month ago.
EDIT: He wasn’t wearing headphones, and he just looked at me so he clearly heard me. I’ve asked and invited him for about 3 times but he did not respond.
ESH. It doesn’t really make sense to interrupt someone’s game to ask to watch a movie at that exact moment. It’s also not respectful to ignore someone, which you both did. I’d say you’re less the AH though. And I mean this as kindly as possible as someone who also has mental health problems, but I think you need to focus on yourself and therapy because this sounds like the opposite of a healthy relationship. Get out, girl.
YTA. I’ll grant you that you don’t want to be ignored, OP, but that doesn’t mean you instantly get attention upon demand. If he’s playing a game, why do you have the right to interrupt him? When his game was done, he came over to spend the remaining time with you, but you were upset and pushed him away.
Was it convenient and easy for him to reply to you while he was playing the game? I don’t know what the game was. An online game with a voice chat and dynamic action would have made it very difficult. We wouldn’t say the same about Candy Crush, although I would go so far as to say if he was doing anything with headphones on, even Candy Crush and a podcast, expecting him to drop it the moment you want attention is out of line. Your trauma doesn’t require him to drop everything for you.
But without knowing, we can only go to the very basics. He was busy when you asked for attention. Guy, gal, sentient pudding… he has a right to play his game and not have to drop everything for you. If what he was doing wasn’t important to him or didn’t require his focus, yes, he should have stopped to answer you, but that’s HIS call, not yours.
Is it possible that he just didn’t hear you? Or is this pattern behavior for him?
Maybe ask him why he ignored you earlier. Ignoring him back won’t do anyone any good either.
If you both resort to playing ignoring games over little issues, then how would you survive bigger issues. I think this is a learning moment for how you deal with conflict or maybe learning if your boyfriend isn’t treating you well.
\>he has recently said to me that he’s tired of my mood swings and that I need to be tended to 24/7. This happens almost every week for atleast twice.
Many people might miss this as you didn’t put it in the OP and only in the Judgment Bot reply.
It seems to me that your OP presents the situation in isolation, away from this context, and even then I could sense that there was another shoe waiting to drop — that I wasn’t getting the full picture. I think you need to look at your whole situation and not each incident separated from the greater context. If you frame things to yourself as you being a victim (which justifies your neediness and other negative behaviors, entitling you to both act this way and to be given what you demand) and your boyfriend’s reactions to your behavior as if they have no relation to your behavior, or are just him just being a jerk, then while you might feel like a beleaguered victim to yourself, to others — most importantly to your boyfriend — you may come off as just self-centered, unable to see beyond yourself to consider others.
It’s obvious given the extra context not put in the OP that you have larger issues which need to be dealt with which have led up to your boyfriend ignoring you on that occasion. While I don’t think his responses to you may be the best, the way you are framing things to yourself is likely to blow up your relationship because of how it justifies your behavior to yourself so you feel entitled while while having no self-reflection. For that, I’ll say YTA even if your boyfriend could perhaps have chosen better ways to deal with your behavior.
You sound young. That’s not a criticism, I remember being a bit like this in my first long term relationship. I just mean that this kind of thing will hopefully be something you guys grow out of as you get more established.
– If he is doing something, you can’t get upset/offended that he doesn’t drop it right away to spend time with you. His time, goals and hobbies are important just like yours are. It’s reasonable for him to need 20 min/half an hour to wrap up what he’s doing. Just like if you were in the middle of something and he got huffy that you didn’t stop as soon as he asked, I would say that he was not respecting the importance of your time, goals or hobbies.
– if you speak to him, he should respond. It’s very rude to straight up blank someone by ignoring them. If he needs half an hour to wrap up or whatever, he should say that. If he’s not interested, he should say that too.
– you did the right thing by just watching your movie – he didn’t indicate that he was interested but you wanted to watch it, so you did anyway. I love this for you.
– when he did come and join you, did you push him away because you wanted to prove a point, kind of like “yeah not nice is it”, or because you genuinely didn’t want to be near him any more? Because it sounds like you wanted his time and attention, and then when he did come and join you, you rejected him to punish him for ignoring you earlier.
Some advice from someone who has been there and had to grow through it – if you’re upset with him for ignoring you (which I would be too!), the solution is to talk to him about that. Because as it stands, you (rightly) did your own thing when he wasn’t interested in joining you, but when he did go to join you that’s when you pushed him away. But you did want him to join you, right? So this approach is not going to lead to him realising where the problem is. It’s just going to lead to you quietly seething in a corner because he hasn’t come over to you, and him thinking that you want to be left alone.
Seriously just tell him “I know you’re in the middle of something but I need a “yes, no or later. Please don’t ignore me”. The time to do this is usually when he’s not busy and you aren’t worked up/pissed so you can talk about it calmly and agree on how approach these situations.
ETA I understand the emotion and its response, been there too. But you have to recognise that the response you have to that emotion doesn’t make the situation better and work with him to make a better plan, together. You’re NTA for feeling the way you felt, but your response doesn’t make anything better, and I’m sure it didn’t make you feel better either. You gotta approach him like a teammate so you can figure these things out together.
INFO: Did you have a plan to watch the movie together? Or was he gaming and you decided he should be watching a movie with you instead? If it’s the latter YTA.
Like other people said you can’t just interrupt people and expect them to drop everything for what you want to do and then get mad at them. Based on his reaction it sounds like this is not the first time you’ve done this, and that’s probably why he’s resorted to not saying anything, so Im gonna say YTA. Ultimately tho I think there’s a lot of context that we can’t possibly get because we don’t have a personal view into your relationship. I’d otherwise have said ESH, but I’m just going under the assumption that you’ve done this before.
Edit: just saw the added context. Do these mood swings entail you lashing out at him? He’s a teenager and your boyfriend, not your therapist. He’s not equipped to handle your mental health issues or be your caregiver during those times at 18. His behavior sounds like someone who is fed up. I’m not saying that he’s 100% in the right—if you’re fed up with someone, you should let them know that and/or leave. But you have abandonment issues and he might be hesitant because of that. And he’s probably never been in this situation before, so he probably doesn’t know what the best thing to do is.
If you’re not going to therapy and he said he’s tired of you needing to be “tended to 24/7” I’m going to guess you are unloading all your problems onto him. That’s not healthy and that’s quite honestly not considerate of you. Again, hes not your therapist. He’s absolutely not going to be able to handle that. Nor should he be obligated to. You’re not married, you’re teenagers, he expects to be in a relationship, not to be your babysitter. I’ve dealt with people like that who are so caught up in their own problems they can do nothing but share their misery. I don’t think it comes out of a place of bad will, but immaturity and a little tiny bit of selfishness. He has problems too. He probably didnt think he was signing up to bear of all of yours. Being in a relationship should not mean he has to ignore his own needs to always put yours first. YTA. Get a therapist if you can, please.
‘TrAuMa’ lol
the melodrama
He was doing something, you tried to interrupt him and demand he pay attention to YOU, RIGHT NOW, DROP EVERYTHING FOR ME RIGHT NOW!!!!! and when he didn’t, you acted like a fucking brat.
Grow up.
Everybody sucks. You didn’t communicate with him in a healthy manner but it sounds like he just was straight up ignoring a question directed at him. This is self explanatory for most civilized humans, but he needs to know that it is rude to not acknowledge someone that is directly asking a question.
NAH, but you’re escalating something small into something heavy.
Yes, being ignored is frustrating. Anyone would feel annoyed if they asked three times and got no acknowledgment. A simple “give me a minute” would have solved this.
But the jump from “he’s focused on a game” to “am I irrelevant to him” is coming from your abandonment triggers, not necessarily his intent. At 18, a lot of guys get tunnel vision when gaming. It’s not deep. It’s immature, but not malicious.
Where you lost ground was pushing him away when he finally came over. That turned a minor communication lapse into a power struggle. You felt ignored, so you returned it. Now you’re both sitting in silence.
The bigger concern is that moments like this are triggering self harm urges. That means this is not about a movie. That’s something you need real support for, beyond what an 18 year old boyfriend can provide.
You’re not a burden for having feelings. But you do need to learn to say clearly, “It really bothers me when you don’t acknowledge me. Can you answer me?” instead of testing him and spiraling.
This is a communication issue layered on top of mental health vulnerability. Treat the right problem.
Your traumas are not other people’s responsibilities. YTAH. You wanted attention in the middle of someone else doing something and then rejected them when you were the first thing they chose to give their attention to once they were done. This just sounds like young people problems
Grow up is the easiest to say here. Just mature a little and you’ll see that you’re kind of being an ah here. He doesn’t have to stop what he’s doing for you. You watched the movie by yourself. But you became the ah when he tried watching the movie and you said no. You are very controlling.
Your trauma is yours to deal with, stop trying to use it to manipulate people into doing what you want.
It’s not nice being ignored, it’s also not nice to be interrupted. He doesn’t need to stop playing his game and doing things he enjoys because YOU want to watch a movie. Let him do things he wants without being bratty about it.