Throwaway with some ages changed.
I (28F) and my cousin “R” (29F) both came to the U.S. from India for undergrad. We were extremely close and even got into similarly competitive schools. We both stayed after undergrad and did master’s degrees. After that, our lives split in a way that has become complicated and annoying.
I picked a STEM path on purpose. It was not the dream route but because I wanted financial stability and the best chance of staying in the U.S. long-term. I did internships, recruited like crazy, and did all the things I was supposed to do. I still didn’t get picked in the H-1B lottery the first time and had to scramble and do a second master’s just to stay in status and be more competitive. Eventually, I got a job in tech and got an H-1B. But I feel like my life is controlled by immigration. Travel home isn’t simple because visa stamping appointments can be unpredictable and for people in India the wait times are in 2027 for restamping, and the idea of getting stuck outside the U.S. is always in the back of my mind.
My cousin went a totally different direction. She did a PhD in a humanities field, something she genuinely loved. I respected that at the time but told her it would lead to a lot of issues for her long term.
Last year she announced she was doing a civil marriage to her boyfriend (30M), who is a white American. They were together for like a year and a half, so I’m not accusing her of fraud or anything. But it did trigger resentment in me. Because suddenly she has the most straightforward path out of the visa nonsense.
The part that really gets under my skin is she still talks like we’re in the same immigration situation. She posts about immigrant anxiety, texts me about how scary immigration is, and makes comments like “we’re all just trying to survive this system.” Meanwhile she’s literally on a marriage-based green card path and I’m still in H-1B purgatory, constantly calculating risks. She had her interview a few months ago and has not heard back, and that has become her reason of feeling "unsafe" and "on alert". Like it is not the same.
Now she’s planning a wedding ceremony next year in the U.S. It’s a smaller guest list and I dont think many family members from India might be able to come to it. She asked me to be one of her maids of honor. On paper, this should be easy and I understand why she asked me: we’re close, it’s supposed to be honor, and I’m supposed to say yes. But emotionally I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to spend the next year helping plan, spending money, doing speeches, smiling in photos, and pretending I’m not bitter when she talks about immigrant stress like we’re the same. I’m worried that if I accept, I’ll be annoyed and ruin the friendship anyway. If I decline, I’ll look petty and jealous and my family will absolutely notice.
AITA if I say no to being her maid of honor because I’m not supportive about her life choices? and what can I say?
YTA. Obviously you dont have to do anything, but don’t let jealousy poison your relationship. Should she have a harder time just because you are?
Jesus Christ. NTA for declining based on your resentment and bitterness, but YTA for feeling so much resentment and bitterness in the first place.
As someone who’s worked in immigration, I’ll tell you that marrying a citizen is not an automatic guarantee of safety. Spouses of citizens have literally been getting deported, because they can also be out of status.
Have you tried, like, calmly having a conversation where you admit that it’s hard for you to hear her not acknowledge that she’s now on a more promising immigration path than you? Or have you tried accepting that she can still feel stressed even if her situation has improved somewhat?
Being jealous is natural but she hasn’t done anything to you personally. Your stress and triggers are your responsibility, not hers.
You have every right to decline but you would be the AH
YTA but also best to decline. She has literally done nothing to you. You’re just jealous and bitter she followed her dream area of study and found a man she loves whilst you’re scheming to find a way to stay in the US.
YTA. You should be happy for your cousin and celebrate her wins. Nobody is stopping you for moving to humanities if that’s where you think you happiness lies
Your bitterness is seeping out. Best to not attend the wedding at all since you cannot be happy for your cousin for falling in love.
YTA and an extremely jealous one too.
YTA and you already know it. You are worried that you will look petty and jealous when that is the truth, that is what you are.
Here, you win Gold in the Suffering Olympics! 🥇
YTA. She is still dealing with immigration, and it is still hard, especially in the current environment. But also, don’t accept if you’re going to be a bitter asshole who can’t be happy for someone else.
YTA
“If I decline, I’ll look petty and jealous and my family will absolutely notice”
You are petty and jealous. You picked your field because you thought it works give you the easier path even though you don’t love it. She picked the field she loved, even though it would make her immigration path less sure.
You even tried to tell her she shouldn’t do it. Now you’re mad at her that she fell in love and is married to her partner.
I think it’s fair for all immigrants in the US right now to feel anxious and worry about their future. Things used to be pretty clear are no longer guaranteed.
Don’t be her MoH since you resent her and don’t support her. Your attitude makes you TA.
Jealousy is a destructive thing. You let it ruin your relationship with her. She has done nothing to you to deserve it. YTA
YTA – Who are you to resent her for living her life. You have a plan and are following it. She has a plan and is following it. Just because she’s not looking at it the same way you are means nothing. Also, just because she’s going a different route doesn’t mean that route is automatic. Especially here in the USA with everything that is going on. Stop blaming her for what is happening to you. She has absolutely nothing to do with it. What you are going through is YOUR choice. Your resentment sounds more like jealousy.
I don’t see that your cousin did anything wrong yet you are jealous of her and are allowing this to destroy a friendship.
I honestly think that anyone who is not white should be scared these days in the US, and her fears are valid, just as yours are.
“If I decline, I’ll look petty and jealous…” yes, because you are.
YTA
YTA
>AITA if I say no to being her maid of honor because I’m not supportive about her life choices? and what can I say?
What life choices are you not supportive of? The life choices you listed are:
* Coming to the US for higher education
* Choosing to pursue a degree in the humanities
* Getting engaged to her BF of 1.5 years
* Planning a wedding
Which of those do you not support? Because I’m going to be straight – everything I read says you are angry and jealous because she is most likely getting a marriage-based green card and you aren’t. And you’re bitter because you feel that her justified fears are smaller or less important than your fears.
You absolutely should not be in her wedding party if you can’t authentically be happy for her. And yes, you will look petty and jealous to your family because you are.