I (21M) have a close friend (21F) who has been going through a really difficult year. She went through a breakup, has family issues, and has been very stressed about school. I tried to support her a lot. Late night calls, listening to her vent, helping with assignments, checking in regularly.
Over time it started feeling less like support and more like an obligation. If I did not respond quickly she would say things like "you are the only person I have" or "I do not know what I would do without you." If I was busy or spending time with other people she would get upset and say I was abandoning her.
I started feeling drained and overwhelmed because I felt pressure to always be available.
Recently I told her I cannot always respond immediately and I need time for myself. I encouraged her to talk to other friends or consider counseling instead of relying only on me.
She reacted badly and said I was cold and selfish for not being there whenever she needs me. Some mutual friends think I should be fully supportive because she trusted me and was vulnerable with me.
I care about her but I feel like I cannot be someone’s entire emotional support system.
AITA for refusing to always be available for her?
EDIT: Just to clarify, I am not trying to cut her off or end the friendship. I told her I still care about her and want to support her, I just cannot be available all the time.
NTA you of course need time to yourself and can’t be on call 24/7. Her attitude towards that is pretty indicative of why you are the only friend she has. Also she should probably seek out a counselor or therapist or something, you are a friend, not a professional.
Thank you. I do care about her a lot and I know she is struggling, which is why I tried to be there as much as I could. I just realized I was starting to burn out and needed boundaries. I agree that I cannot replace professional help.
NTA. And why is she saying she has no one but you, when later you talk about mutual friends taking her side? Let her call them for awhile.
NTA – You need to take care of yourself first before you can start to think of “taking care” of another person. You can’t continue to give on an empty tank and she should understand that. Best of luck.
NTA, people like this aren’t totally uncommon. Usually in life, good friends recognize and react, in this case that didn’t happen unfortunately, and for that im sorry for you because thats your friend. It is NOT your responsibility to be available for friends at every second of the day and good friend will respect that, you did nothing wrong and don’t let anyone pressure you into thinking you’re not being a good friend. You’ve done a lot for this person and she really should just wake up and realize that.
She is overstepping boundaries massively, and is massively unrealistic with her expectations.
It’s good that you’ve been there for your friend, but regular late night calls and endless, presumably long, vent sessions is both way too much to expect of someone, and to give.
If she’s upset that you can’t and won’t continue give this, it’s unsurprising that she has few friends.
NTA at all. Your friend needs professional help, and also needs to take a look at her behaviour and develop some insight, consideration for others and healthy coping mechanisms.
Edited to add the mutual friends who took her side can step up and support her.
NTA you’re not her therapist
After 8 pm forward her calls to your mutual ‘friends’. Then put your phone on silent or ignore. Presto, she has a bigger support system
NTA
NTA Dude i cant tell if you’re in the friend zone, the shoulder to cry on, or both. Like does she and the friends just think you are sitting there like someone working customer service waiting for her call? I’m guessing she doesn’t do the same for you either? One sided relationships, no matter who its is with suck, might have to have a sit down with her and give a serious and stern conversation about how friendship actually works. I’m also guessing you’re single? Just wait until you date someone and her true colors come out.
NTA, obviously. Don’t respond when you don’t want to. She’s already proven she will turn on you the second you aren’t at her beck and call, so let her cry and complain all she wants and keep boundaries.
You are not responsible for her mental/emotional health. Say it with me! YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER MENTAL/EMOTIONAL HEALTH.
Friendship is a two way street. This isn’t a friendship. It’s a hostage situation.
Edit: NTA
NTA
So you get all the hard parts of a relationship – emotional support, being there when things are hard, etc., and none of the benefits – love, companionship, sex, etc.
I think sis knows exactly what she’s doing here. And you are definitely not wrong for not wanting to encourage it any more.
Energy vampires are going to drain you.
Hey there, been there myself. There’s a Reddit saying, “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”
You’re headed towards burnout. And after that you’ll now have 2 deeply unhappy people instead of just 1.
You can’t rely on her to set limits with you. She sounds like a bottomless hole of need. You’re going to need to set boundaries. Friendship with reasonable boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care. And it definitely doesn’t mean “suck me dry until I’m a lifeless husk.”
Don’t let her guilt trip you, even if she makes threats. She needs to help herself, you can’t be her crutch. In the end, she’s responsible for her own mental health, not you. It’s not your fault she has so many problems, and it’s not your responsibility to solve them for her.
I’ve been there, and gotten out of it. So can you.
Good luck.
ETA NTA